How to know when to give up?

[victoriaglu]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months long distance the whole time, we met while he was visiting Los Angeles (where I live) from NYC (where he lives).
We have no end in sight. We see each other once a month for about 4-7 days at a time. We believe that we are perfect for each other, however there have been an abundance of complications lately, and I've become so unfocused from pursing my career as an actress.
He doesn't have a clear idea of what he wants in life. He does a lot of creative things (writing, video making, acting) but doesn't believe in himself enough to pursue any of them fully. He says he doesn't "like the environment in LA"... even though he has many friends here, seems to really enjoy his time when he is here, and even considered moving BEFORE he met me, but the more he visited LA through our relationship, the less he liked it (so frustrating... especially since he would drop hints about moving to LA all the time when we first started dating). You'd think if he doesn't know what he wants, he would be fine with pursuing a life with me here? I guess not. And yes, I have made an effort to consider moving to NYC but in the scheme of our lives, we both agree it doesn't make sense for me to go to NY, he would be the one to move.

Anyway, besides the distance, recently another issue has gotten worse, he can't keep his erection. This has happened occasionally in the past with him, he is 28 so it isn't physical bc he gets morning wood, and he gets hard, it just disappears once we get going. This absolutely destroys me, intimacy is so important to me, and we only have such a little time to have it. This past visit was the worst with this, we've been rocky emotionally so I can understand that he "is in his head" as he says and says it isn't a lack of attraction but rather a fear he can't satisfy me. We had a gentle conversation about it and he still just thinks "there's something wrong with him"... he is riddled with insecurity. I am so loving and supportive and I never show him anything but compassion, but I don't know how long I can keep this up emotionally. There is no urgency in this man to change his life. To move, to pursue what he wants, to see a doctor, nothing. When we first got together he was 5 months out of the biggest relationship of his life, a 5 year live-in girlfriend who he moved to New York for in the first place. I was nervous about this at first, that I was a rebound, but he assured me he was ready. Now I think I'm witnessing some unhealed wounds opening up, and I care deeply about this man so I would love to help him heal them, but I don't have the emotional capacity to do so from 2700 miles away, but if he was here I feel I could support his growth.

Idk what to do. Stick it out? Try to navigate this giant mess? Or start moving on? I have other men trying to pursue me in classes I take... I don't want to be with anyone but him, but I can't deny that my needs aren't being met, and there are perfectly decent men in front of me... Ugh I hate feeling this way...helpless, exhausted, and sad.

[Lune]

Hello there

Mhh there are some tricky things in your situation. From everything you say your partner seems to be still in search of much and that can cause much more. Did he say what he means with the environment or what of it he does not like anymore? I would say it can be pretty normal to change an opinion about a place when getting to know it better. It would be interesting what he says when you confront him with the things you wrote, like why does he not like it with the friends and so on.
With his physical issue, it can really have many reasons why it is how it is. And he presents some even. When you talk about that he sees how much it bothers you but him surely as well and depending on what kind of character he is and how deeply serious he takes some things it has a psychological effect on him even if it also results in exactly what he fears. I am not sure how much he can feel your own insecurity too though about you trying to keep up a good spirit or support but on the other side having this thing with the moving plans and him not enjoying Los Angeles so much anymore, him seeing you following a goal that he did not really set for himself yet. What comes up there though is how does he feel with himself being so unsure still? And why doesn't he feel the urgency? There are sources for everything and only communication can bring light into the dark there. It can but doesn't really have to be the previous relationship he didn't get over yet.

I would say you have to go into yourself and find out what you really want. But trying to see the perfection in other men around you who could be different in a relationship than they seem now is poison for your current relationship. You both just have to be clear with each other and find out if you are strong enough and also have the will to go through it all together as partners, maybe only as friends or something else.

All the best.

[ruya]

First of all, if he was dropping signals about moving into LA before, and now he is now seeing this in completely different light, i would say maybe its not about LA.. If you think there could be some old wounds, and this new problem. It seems like there is a problem in a relationship, emotional problem. And there won't be a possibility of closing the distance if the relationship is not in a right place, and that can't happen if he is an emotional mess...

I am no expert here, but if i were you, i would talk it out. Like have a really long and deep talk about how you both feel, try to find the root of his problem and your problem as a couple maybe.

That conversation could change how you see things.

I would say, don't give up on him just yet, if you really love him. But you need to find some direction in which you both want the relationship to go.

Good luck girl

[victoriaglu]

Thank you Lune!
He "can't put his finger on it" about why he doesn't like LA. I definitely see how looking for something in men here is toxic, but again my needs aren't being met and he has no urgency. When we talk about it, he just gets more insecure about not knowing what he wants. He truly doesn't know what he wants at all. At least that's what he says to me every time, and he seems frustrated by it. However, I don't know how long I am supposed to put my energy and love into someone that might never come around to us being together... thanks again, it's nice to have feedback.

[victoriaglu]

Thank you Ruya, I totally agree with you. When we have those long deep talks about where were going, it's always that he doesn't know where he is going or what he wants. We end up talking in circles and getting nowhere. It's so sad for me. I will keep trying for now, thanks again.