He wants me back after months broken up? Help

[chrelnka]

Hi there

My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. We had a wonderful relationship together, i loved him to bits, he was wonderful and kind and sweet. But not overly strong. Throughout our relationship it was always him who would have to move to the USA from the UK. I made it clear from the start of the relationship i'd never move for several reasons and he knew that. In November of last year it killed me but I ended it because he was constantly unsure if he could make the move. i felt after three years if he couldnt make his mind up it wasnt worth it. All my friends (who are also all over the country none of them know him personlly just based on what I tell them) say I did the right thing and that he needs to be a man and grow a spine as he can come across as a bit of a "wet blanket"

Anyway, when we broke up in november we still spoke on and off. i really broke it off thinking it would change his mind. In January I was so upset he called me to tell me that over Christmas he had decided he'd move to me and was going to surprise me on Valentines day. I asked him if he could ACTUALLY move in 2.5 years when we planned on getting married and he said that hes so indecisive he doesnt know if he'd change his mind, in the moment he feels he can do it then another he isn't sure. He said I deserve someone who is strong and a man and that he isnt a man, that I deserve so much better. So, we officially ended it the end of January and havent spoken for almost 2 months - until today.

He had been liking all of my tweets, instagram posts, messaged me a few times to see how I was, wish me well, he also randomly messaged a friend who came to visit me which she wasnt impressed with at all as she'd never spoken to him before. I ignored it all. Essentially, he wasn't letting me move on even though I said not to talk anymore. so, my Mom text him to ask him to stop interacting with me, to let me move on and that I've "been doing well recently". He responded apologizing and saying he wanted my pain to go away and he hoped to take it away soon. My mom thought he meant that by not trying to talk to me anymore it would go away. but I, knowing him like I do, thought there was more to it than that.

Last week he randomly posted on twitter a quote about focusing on why you need to do things and said "i hope you see this..im focusing" then last week on instagram he posted a picture of a card from his colleagues that said "please dont go!" so i put all this together and thought...hes quit his job he's coming over to see me!

I realized it was silly to presume so much so i just went directly to his mom and asked her. She said he had just gotten a promotion in another department. I spent all day yesterday crying because i'd somewhat gotten my hopes up.

I posted a bit of a petty thing to him on instagram for the first time in 2 months saying "hope your job makes you as happy as i did, i thought you were coming over after your comment to my mom about making my pain go away" he sent me back a screenshot of a plane flight he had booked to me last week. He said "I was going to take the pain away today and turn up at your door". Confused, i went to him to ask him why he had a booked flight and not taken it. He came back and said after my moms text saying i was getting on well, and how happy i seemed in all my photos, he didnt want to disrupt that and make it harder on me and get the door closed in his face, so he cancelled the flight after talking with his mom and sister and didnt want me to suffer and make it worse for me. So again he didnt turn up.

We've spoken on and off most of the day, he's explained how he's been, I said how i'd been, he's saved all of my pictures and still has a photo of us in his room. He hasnt even tried to get over me. He has been recording video diaries per his therapists request and he sent me one. It's so heartbreaking. He says how hes not strong enough for me and I deserve better yet he booked the flight the day after that?

Now im at a point where there MIGHT be a potential for him to come over and us to get back together, but all of my friends and family throughout this have called him spineless and that i deserve better and need a strong man who could decide right away and not to take him back or trust he'll do it, etc. etc. basically getting lots of opinions. None of which help but I worry they have substance. Though none of them have actually seen or met him in person except my parents who always liked him. I just have this gut feeling of worry and I shouldnt be doing it to potentially put myself through this horrendous pain of losing him all over again! I have been suffering so much since losing him.

Do I give this another go if theres a chance for it? I do love him so much, I never stopped. This breakup was my first relationship and honestly ive never struggled so much. He feels like the only man who will ever get me and be the one who fits me so well but everyone tells me that there are more out there blah blah blah.

So would i be STUPID to give him another chance after all this? It's only 6 weeks since we last spoke and he's been a mess. He said he's realized how bad his life is without me these last 6 weeks. I dont TRULY know how he can prove to me he'll actually make the move other than his word but he's said it before. He isnt overly strong. My family say i need a man who will move mountains for me and treat me right not be unable to make decisions. It makes me nervous how he is and he has anxieties and such. i dont know if he's strong enough to do it.

I've never had another relationship before and i know a lot of people tend to be in denial or think theres nobody else out there, but truly i dont feel there is anyone quite like him :/

What are your thoughts?

Thank you

[TaraMarie]

It seems to me that he is being manipulative. I think you should move on. Deleter your social.medianaccounta, change your phone number and email address. Then he can't reach you. You need to close that door and lock it behind you.

[chrelnka]

It seems to me that he is being manipulative. I think you should move on. Deleter your social.medianaccounta, change your phone number and email address. Then he can't reach you. You need to close that door and lock it behind you.

I'm definitely curious what makes you think that? He isn't someone who would at least knowingly manipulate me. I'm his first relationship too and he's having a hard time letting go because he truly believes I'm his "one" and he knows it's only due to him we arent together and he's struggling with that trying to be the man I need him to be in regards to getting the strength to just DO it. When my mom text him to tell him to stop liking my things on social media he apologized and didnt do it anymore, and it was after my mom text him he decided not to take his flight over in case I was better off without him and this disrupted me moving on.

He has a lot of problems with anxiety and now depression since we broke up. Perhaps I'm just kidding myself because I still love him and just need to let sleeping dogs lie? I feel finding someone like him again who I can be totally me with and have so many common interests with when I've never found that in another human remotely before, seems impossible.

[autumn1790]

I'm probably on my own here, but I get the vibe you're both playing games. You said you broke up to get him to move. Ie, you broke up to coerce him into a decision he didn't want to make. I realize three years is a really long time to wait (we're at about 4.5 at this point, looking at at least another 10 months), but you need to act as an adult. You stayed friends on social media and still wanted him to come, so it appears that you really did not want to end the relationship. Either end it completely and cut contact, or be straight up with him and stop sending mixed signals. You can't control his actions, only yours. Not trying to sound as harsh as my crude typing comes out as!

[chrelnka]

I'm probably on my own here, but I get the vibe you're both playing games. You said you broke up to get him to move. Ie, you broke up to coerce him into a decision he didn't want to make. I realize three years is a really long time to wait (we're at about 4.5 at this point, looking at at least another 10 months), but you need to act as an adult. You stayed friends on social media and still wanted him to come, so it appears that you really did not want to end the relationship. Either end it completely and cut contact, or be straight up with him and stop sending mixed signals. You can't control his actions, only yours. Not trying to sound as harsh as my crude typing comes out as!

No I totally get what you're saying and I agree. Initially in November I half felt that the break up would cause him to realize how serious it was and how serious I was that I needed to know. During that time we spoke on and off and couldnt really let go and neither of us were trying to, he was working on a resolve initially and said he had one until I asked if in actual fact he could do it in 2.5 years and he realized he hadnt thought seriously enough ahead about it. So when we ended it in January I completely cut ties with him. I unfollowed his social media, told him not to talk so we could get over one another, he never unfollowed me and still on and off messaged to see how I was. It was my fault for looking up how he was doing because I missed him. I did everything to the book until I found out that (his mother told me because I found one of his instagram posts strange and thought he was coming to me) he'd gotten a promotion. Turns out it wasnt a promotion at all she was just saying that. I was so angry that after all these mixed signals I was getting about him still trying to focus on us he'd gone and got a promotion to further cement him staying there.

So yeah I for the first time sent that pretty petty message out of annoyance. It was then he sent back to me his flight details for the flight he ended up cancelling because after my mother text him to ask him to stop trying to get in contact, he thought he would be better off leaving me lone and not causing me more pain. He didnt realize until that point that him reaching out to me was causing me more pain.

It all sounds so messy but honestly, it's my first break up. I miss him. This has been the hardest few months of my life and I want back what we had if it's possible but at the same time I'm scared i'm making a mistake if he isnt truly strong enough for me, and if we end up breaking up again from that one day I'll regret getting back with him and setting myself back more time, and having to go through heartbreak all over again :/

[Atlantic Crossroads]

For what it's worth, I think you are both making a complicated mess out of this. If you'd broken up, and you had asked him not to contact you, he shouldn't have booked tickets to come see you. On the other side, you missed him and looked him up, which was also a bad idea. I know it's hard when you break up with someone, first love or not. It can get messy, and you likely will miss them. I have contacted my exes before too, so I'm not perfect either.
I think that you should both talk this out. Admit exactly what you feel, about each other, your current situation, and what you'd like to happen. Then you can plan where to go next. If one of you wants to break up, and the other wants to get back together, you will have to agree to break up properly. Lay out the rules of what you will/will not do afterwards. Personally, I find a clean break works best for me, as it helps you to avoid temptation. When you've been connected on social media, it is harder.
It may be a case of breaking up for now, then reassess things in x amount of months. The time and space from each other may help you to work out what you truly want. But remember that missing each other is to be expected. It's tough, but you can get through it. Shift your focus. Absorb yourself into something fresh and different. Good luck either way.