Normal Communication, etc Patterns

[MushuChicken]

This will be day 4 of not hearing from my guy. As we all know, in a LDR, communication is key. Really the ONLY thing you guys have in the time apart is your communication with each other. Now, I am not particularly high maintenance. I completely understand when it is a day or two without talking. Sometimes, guys need space. And not just physical space, but mental space as well. Time to re-charge his batteries. Time to be just to himself. I get that, and I respect that. But... in the last 7 days, we've talked 2 of them. I normally don't keep track or keep score or anything like that. Like I said, I am usually perfectly fine with taking a small break. But, when it's 2/7, it tends to be noticeable.

Now, our conversations have been fine, lovely even. There was nothing in the conversations or the tone that suggest something is wrong. It's not like we had a fight or he seemed off or anything like that. Things have seemed as good as ever, maybe better. Now, of course he could have been busy or went to visit family or any number of things (none of which as far as I know existed in Siberia, so he would have had an opportunity to reach out at SOME point.)

We don't have a next visit on the books, which again, is another one of those things that is key in a LDR. Some of it is just that the next few weeks are a little tough schedule-wise. Most of it is waiting on him to let me know what works for him. Now, in our conversations, "next time" and future times seeing each other are talked about in a general way. There's nothing to indicate that we won't be seeing each other. But, without having something concrete on the schedule, it's a bit frustrating.

At this point, I'm not entirely sure what to do. Everything I have read says that giving him space is a good thing and will help improve the relationship, not hurt it. So, it does no good to freak out at him. But, I am hurt. And, I don't want to be a doormat. I don't want him to think oh yeah, 2 days here, 4 days there...and for it to become a common occurrence. Hopefully he is safe and okay. My mind hasn't even jumped to the possibility of another girl in the picture, which I am sure could be a possibility. My immediate assumption is that he is just laying low and taking time to himself and maybe being a bit selfish too. (not in a bad way)

If he reaches out to me, how do I respond? If I hear nothing from him, should I call?

[autumn1790]

Have you asked him why the communication has dropped?

[MushuChicken]

I haven’t talked to him since Thursday so no.

When I talked to him on Wednesday, no I didn’t really bring it up. It had only been a couple of days, which like I said I’m not too hung up on a couple of days here and there.

[Redheart14]

Any contact from him yet?

[MushuChicken]

Any contact from him yet?

That would be a no.

[Redheart14]

I’d be contacting him now just to see if everything is ok. If he needs space then he can let you know he’s ok but needs space.

[MushuChicken]

I’d be contacting him now just to see if everything is ok. If he needs space then he can let you know he’s ok but needs space.

I did...he responded pretty quickly, and acted/is acting like nothing is wrong at all. I responded pretty even keel/chilly.

I mean...yeah, it's good he's alive. But, honestly, I don't feel that much better.

[autumn1790]

There's nothing wrong with voicing your concerns...maybe he genuinely doesn't realize it bothers you. Is there something keeping you from having a conversation about it besides the fact you would have to initiate?

[Redheart14]

I’d explain that you didn’t appreciate going this long without contact. It might help him avoid repeating this again

[MushuChicken]

Well, ladies, I am pretty sure it's over. Something is wrong, something is up, but I don't know what it is. Like I said, our conversations last week were great. Nothing suspicious at all.

So Monday, when I talked to him, I admittedly freaked out. I went on a long rant, and was pretty sure I had blown it all together. He simply replied "We'll talk tomorrow." So, I was prepared for a pretty serious conversation. And, we did talk. He did message me, and we talked. But...the freakout was never brought up. His distance was never brought up. It was a pretty standard conversation, actually. It was a bit tepid, but it wasn't cold. So, what I thought was going to be a Come to Jesus kind of talk wound up being a normalish day for us.

Last night, I didn't hear anything from him, but I didn't message him either. I thought it was good to just have a breather to let the dust settle from the previous two nights. Which brings us to tonight. I shot him a simple "Hey" text message. I haven't heard anything yet. I'm trying not to worry. Maybe he is out with his friends. Maybe he went to bed early. Maybe he worked late. There are a lot of maybes, but combined with the way things have been going in the last few days...I can't help but let my mind go There.

[Honour]

I hate to tell you this, but someone who truly cares about you would never do something like this. Sure, maybe there's a good reason for it, but honestly it sounds like he's taking you for a ride. You'll likely be better off cutting your losses and moving on. If he can't even be bothered to talk to you about stuff... yeah, big red flag.

[Redheart14]

Well, ladies, I am pretty sure it's over. Something is wrong, something is up, but I don't know what it is. Like I said, our conversations last week were great. Nothing suspicious at all.

So Monday, when I talked to him, I admittedly freaked out. I went on a long rant, and was pretty sure I had blown it all together. He simply replied "We'll talk tomorrow." So, I was prepared for a pretty serious conversation. And, we did talk. He did message me, and we talked. But...the freakout was never brought up. His distance was never brought up. It was a pretty standard conversation, actually. It was a bit tepid, but it wasn't cold. So, what I thought was going to be a Come to Jesus kind of talk wound up being a normalish day for us.

Last night, I didn't hear anything from him, but I didn't message him either. I thought it was good to just have a breather to let the dust settle from the previous two nights. Which brings us to tonight. I shot him a simple "Hey" text message. I haven't heard anything yet. I'm trying not to worry. Maybe he is out with his friends. Maybe he went to bed early. Maybe he worked late. There are a lot of maybes, but combined with the way things have been going in the last few days...I can't help but let my mind go There.

Hopefully you get closure soon

[MushuChicken]

UPDATE: Alright, so that same night, he did message me back, very late, much later at night than I would have expected to hear from him. But, we did talk for a good bit of time, and the conversation for sure felt a little bit more normal, so hopefully, it's getting there. I did find out that he has had a bit of a work crisis recently, and a pretty major work situation coming up as well. I am not under the impression that this work thing means he is working more hours; just that it may be a more stressful situation. Now, none of these are excuses at all. He has visited his family before, and managed to stay in touch. He has had work stuff come up and managed to stay in touch. But...I did not hear from him yesterday.

So the positives are that he did message me back, he did apologize for it being a late response which is a huge thing...I am very glad he apologized. And, the conversations seem to be normal, there don't seem to be any red flags IN the conversations themselves.

which brings me to...

I hate to tell you this, but someone who truly cares about you would never do something like this. Sure, maybe there's a good reason for it, but honestly it sounds like he's taking you for a ride. You'll likely be better off cutting your losses and moving on. If he can't even be bothered to talk to you about stuff... yeah, big red flag.

Agreed.

This brings me to the negatives. Why in the world would this be happening, justified or not? And, what possibly could have happened in the span of a couple of days? How could it go from perfectly normal conversations to him avoiding me so quickly? The issue is...we're a year in. It's not like we're 2 dates into it or a few weeks. It's a year. Suddenly, a year later, he decides he's tired of communicating with me? After talking to each other 80-90% of the days in the last year, suddenly, it just seems like too much? Nothing makes sense, at all. There is no reasonable explanation for it.

My intention was to let him lead, when setting up the next visit. As long as things were going good (and they WERE going good) I was fine to give him the time and space to come up with our next plans. But, now that communication seems to be breaking down, I feel like I need to bring it up. Does this sound like a bad idea? I mean....if he is already mentally strained and seems to need space, I don't know how much good pressuring him for an answer would do.

[MushuChicken]

Hi again....I've been thinking back, and I wanted to add some more information to my situation.

So, about 6 weeks ago, he had mentioned to me that long distance was showing its flaws. Now, this was in the midst of a specific conversation, not about our relationship. He then said that he's reached a point where things are great when we are together but when we are apart, he feels "disenfranchised." The word he used was disenfranchised. I didn't really know what he meant, but as he continued on with the rest of the conversation, I just sort of responded to everything as a whole. When I looked up "disenfranchised" like the dummy I am, it seemed to have a number of different meanings, none of which seemed to make sense in the context of a LDR. I presumed at the time that he meant disconnected, but I really dunno what he meant at the time. Also, I assumed he meant it in the context of the specific thing we were talking about, not our relationship as a whole. But, perhaps I was wrong.

In any case...we talked it out, and after that, everything seemed fine. We spent time together for a few days a couple of weeks later, and after our time together, again, everything seemed fine. Until now. I guess I am wondering if maybe there is more to the story.

[MushuChicken]

Well...as I was giving him space, he did finally message me, asking how my weekend has been going. Then, the dreaded words:

Can we talk?

So, I called him, and well...no reason to beat around the bush. He broke it off.