Question about red flags

[happywriter]

Hi - I'm new here. Just joined today. Really struggling with some issues with my LDR. Been with my BF for 4 years and 6 months ago it became long-distance when I moved back to the east coast (where I'm from) from California. The main issues are:

-- Money. He can't afford to pay for ANY travel (he might be able to if he really tried), but basically lives paycheck to paycheck and takes care of his 3 kids, most of whom have various special needs. That part isn't his fault, but it's a tremendous burden for me to pay for both mine and his airline tickets. His life is a huge bummer for him. He is broke and has too many kids to take care of. I asked him recently if he ever thought about our future, and he said no, that he just thinks about surviving day to day. I don't take this personally, but I'm not sure it has the makings for a successful LDR.

-- Communication. He completely shuts down when we argue. He's always done this, but it was easier to manage when we could see each other and connect physically. It has ALWAYS pissed me off that he won't talk to me when things get tough though. It's just much harder to deal with across the country.

I've explained to him how important it is to make an extra effort to communicate now that we have this distance, but it doesn't seem to matter. We have an amazing physical connection, which is a big thing that has kept us together the last 4 years.

These two things are making me question everything. When he won't talk to me, all I can think about is that I'm organizing and paying for all the travel for us to see each other.

My question is: Am I wrong? Is there another way to see it? I do love him so much, but can't imagine doing this for the next 8 years, which is how long it will be until we could possibly live together. (Both of our youngest are 9) I can't imagine cutting it off forever, but should I suggest an open relationship? I'm 44 and he's 50. It's not like we're young and just starting out.

Thank you for any wisdom you're willing to share. Feeling kind of lost.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Hi - I'm new here. Just joined today. Really struggling with some issues with my LDR. Been with my BF for 4 years and 6 months ago it became long-distance when I moved back to the east coast (where I'm from) from California. The main issues are:

-- Money. He can't afford to pay for ANY travel (he might be able to if he really tried), but basically lives paycheck to paycheck and takes care of his 3 kids, most of whom have various special needs. That part isn't his fault, but it's a tremendous burden for me to pay for both mine and his airline tickets. His life is a huge bummer for him. He is broke and has too many kids to take care of. I asked him recently if he ever thought about our future, and he said no, that he just thinks about surviving day to day. I don't take this personally, but I'm not sure it has the makings for a successful LDR.

-- Communication. He completely shuts down when we argue. He's always done this, but it was easier to manage when we could see each other and connect physically. It has ALWAYS pissed me off that he won't talk to me when things get tough though. It's just much harder to deal with across the country.

I've explained to him how important it is to make an extra effort to communicate now that we have this distance, but it doesn't seem to matter. We have an amazing physical connection, which is a big thing that has kept us together the last 4 years.

These two things are making me question everything. When he won't talk to me, all I can think about is that I'm organizing and paying for all the travel for us to see each other.

My question is: Am I wrong? Is there another way to see it? I do love him so much, but can't imagine doing this for the next 8 years, which is how long it will be until we could possibly live together. (Both of our youngest are 9) I can't imagine cutting it off forever, but should I suggest an open relationship? I'm 44 and he's 50. It's not like we're young and just starting out.

Thank you for any wisdom you're willing to share. Feeling kind of lost.

I can kinda relate to this myself. My SO lives on money he gets from odd jobs, and occasional gifts from others. He's been unemployed for years, and things don't seem to improve. He had a job interview recently, and didn't get it, and said he didn't want to talk about it. We still haven't.
On the rare occasion that we argue, he often gets to a point where he leaves. I did request that he not do that in our last one, and he did stick around and we talked it through.
My SO also doesn't talk about our future, because he is so consumed with his day to day issues. That, and it's still early days for us. He did say to me recently that he'd have to get used to the idea of moving to be with me, and he wasn't sure how he felt about being so far away from his family.

[autumn1790]

I feel like this is a question only you can answer. Are you okay with it in your heart of hearts? Money, communication, and intimacy are huge foundations of a relationship. Only you can decide if his differences are a deal breaker for you.

[kittyo9]

Kids can make things really tough and I don't question that his kids come first in his life. That's not to say you're not important, as I'm sure you understand. Unfortunately that also means that the fundamentals that make a successful long-distance relationship successful may not be there, as you've noted.

I am young(ish) and I don't have kids, so I completely understand that I lack that perspective. All I can say is that if I were in that scenario, I would be evaluating whether the relationship would be a net positive on my life. If it were something that was going to make me miserable most of the time, I'd think it was time to let it go. Circumstances in life sometimes change the way we have to prioritize things, including your own well-being.