Break up essay - is it even possible to get her back? My whole story + need advice
I've been in a LDR for almost 2 years and she decided to break up with me.
I want include as much information as possible to get the best advices possible, so i will start from the beginning.
So Hey, i am almost 21 years old and i am from east Austria. My (ex) LDR GF is living in north/west Germany.
#MY BACKSTORY
I met her on the internet like 8 years ago, because some people just created a Team Speak server for the Community of a group of german Youtubers.
At this time i was like 13 and i was going through a hard time processing the recent divorce of my parents. At the start of the divorce, i couldn't really go outside anymore and developed social anxiety, so i just burrowed myself into videogames. Back to the TS Server. After a few weeks i met her and we played some games together had fun and met many new people and got many new friends which we still know to this day. So that went on for a while. I always thought she was pretty and funny and everything, but i couldn't imagine a relation ship at this distance at my age, like how would i even get there and then my situation as a whole. After a year or so i gathered a few people and i created my own private server to hang out only with them and i wanted to only have these people around me. I didn't want to meet new people anymore because i was afraid of them. Every now and then i went back to the (Let's call it) PS Server and played games with the people from the beginning but after a while i stopped going on there because i had to move alot, since my mom couldn't afford paying rent in Vienna on her own, so we were living at a friends house, then at another friends house and so on. I had my PC and that's all i wanted, so then we finally had a "home" again, but she couldn't afford it either after a few years since her condition got worse and she couldn't go work anymore. So we moved the place of my sisters BF and lived in a small room together, which was really a painful experience for both of us after a while. So about 5 years of me just sitting infront my PC, not going outside have passed now. I haven't played or talked with my to be GF in a long time and kind of forgot about her.
#RELATIONSHIP
I haven't been on the PS Server for 2 years or something. Then a friend of mine which was still active on there was taking me to their Sever because after all those years i finally agreed to play with a person i don't know. We played like 2 days in a row on there and then BOOOM she joined the channel. As soon as i heard her voice i died inside and was thinking things like "How could i forget about her?" and stuff. So then she started playing ALOT of games with us, as long as i was there. We started talking again and stuff and then i got sick of my life, playing games day in, day out, getting debts and i just accepted, that i would just fall unconsious infront of my pc one day. So i asked one of my internet friends if i could visit him in germany for a few days, to relax from my life an everything. The time i've been waiting for the day to come, when my flight would depart, me and her would talk and watch videos and play games on our own 24/7 and then i was there, going outside in a long time, affraid of everything, sweating, but i wanted to meet her. We got together on the next day of my arrival. After 2 weeks i had to fly home, i couldn't imagine how painful it really was. So the LDR started.
She graduated and started doing like a voluntary work kind of thing for a year. I was at home, waiting for her, every day. I just didn't kow what to do anymore when she wasn't there to spend time with me. This went on a bit and she got annoyed every now and then because i was just so (i don't know how to explain). I just wanted all her time, i didn't want to play with her AND other people at the same time, i wanted her for myself. I really am a jealous person and everytime she played with someone or we played with someone i was so angry and hurt and i don't know. Also she was the only person i EVER talked to about my problems, i didn't talk to any of my friends about it. I was "overloading" her and i didn't know. So she got angry a few times, because her family would ask about me, like what i do for work and stuff and she always had to answer "nothing". Because it was true and i understand her. So i started going to school again and finish it for her. The problem was, everything i did, i did for HER, not for me. She told me, that that's not good and i should start doing things for myself. But i didn't want to listen. I focused my life around her. That's all i wanted. We also had problems on the sexual subject. It worked at first but then she was hurting everytime we "tried" and it never worked again. She was rarely in the mood, i was always, so i kind of passively pushed her and stuff. But i loved her more than this and i wanted to "endure" the pain if brought me. When she was surprisingly in the mood a few times, we tried and it didn't work. She ended up crying and apologizing that she couldn't "offer" it to me. I loved her more than that so i wanted to put this aside and stay with her. So time passed and before school we saw each other for like 1 or 2 weeks every month since i didn't have to do anything. Now i rarely got to see her during school since i can't just take a day off and our latest "break" was 4 months. I am almost finished with school and she and her father told me that i should start applying for jobs as soon as the school started. I always was like "yea yea, i will, don't worry" but here i am. I never sent one application. I was afraid of the future, i couldn't imagine working. At the moment she is going to university and professional and working, all at once. Her mother recently got breast cancer, so she really is in a stressful situation. I got better with my jealousy and i can even go outside again like a normal person again. I was always there for here, i gave her the time and space, when she needed. I was doing everything to make her happy.
So a few months ago, she started getting mad at me for some reasons, i complimented her everyday, like how pretty she is and smart and cute and all that stuff. I started doing it less because she told me to. I asked for selfies multiple times everyday since i coulnd't get to see her. She got mad about this aswell, so i stopped asking. She didn't like talking about her problems, only when i asked multiple times. When we were mad at each other she didn't want to talk so we texted and this was a chaos, we didn't hold back when this happened, so i hated texting about our problems. When we were talking about it, she didn't like it, wasn't really listening or wanted to leave the call. When we were together in real life, i could just cuddle up on her, kiss her and apologize and everything was fine. She had to listen to my problems everytime and had to endure my mental breakdowns and stuff.
Yea some things aren't really in order but i just write as i try to remember everything.
So now, i'm almost done with school (end of June) and i didn't send one application. Last wednesday i had a breakdown because i don't know what i want to do for work, i missed her, was lonely and she didn't really care because "that's life" and now i truly understand it. 2 days later she wanted to talk and said that she wasn't happy anymore but still loves me and it hurts that she has to breakup even tho we aren't even fighting. She's been thinking about it for a while. I've seen her like 2 weeks ago during easter for about 5 days after the 4 months gap. She told me, that she wasn't even happy to me see me anymore and but i was so happy and it she was sad about that. She broke up with me. I couldn't believe it. "She still loves me but doesn't want to continue?" I was really devastated. She didn't want to talk anymore. I was looking forward to her texts and pictures she sent me everyday. I was looking at my phone like every 30 minutes, if i could'nt hold it in anymore, i would ask her how she's doing and stuff. My life has been only about her. I bought a 11 hour train ticket to her and was on my way that night. In the morning she removed our pictures from social media and whatsapp. So i texted her if she wanted to talk once more. She said no, so i told her that i'm on my way right now and gets to choose whether i should leave the train or keep going. I left at the city where my father lives because she told me. That day has been a pain. Ever since she broke up, i was on the edge of throwing up, i couldn't eat, sleep, nothing. I somehow got through that day and i started talking about everything with my father, his wife, my friends and it felt good and now i know i should've done it muuuch earlier. She was the only one who always had to listen to me, even in her stressful situation. I was always in need of her attention. Looking at my phone, hurts. Seeing a cute dog hurts, because i would send her a picture of the dog to make her happy. everything hurts because it was all about her.
Everyone of the people told me that i shouldn't have made my life about only her. I should've done things for my self first and then her.
I understand it now. Everyone also thinks, that the thing with me not getting an application done was huge. i had over a year and didn't do anything. So she wouldn't really have a great future with me and so on. I get it now. I called her again and a was talking to her for 60 minutes while walking in the rain. I asked her why she says, she loves me, but doesn't want to be together with me. She said i just wouldn't work anymore. I didn't understand.
PART 2 in comments.. too many characters whoops
I want include as much information as possible to get the best advices possible, so i will start from the beginning.
So Hey, i am almost 21 years old and i am from east Austria. My (ex) LDR GF is living in north/west Germany.
#MY BACKSTORY
I met her on the internet like 8 years ago, because some people just created a Team Speak server for the Community of a group of german Youtubers.
At this time i was like 13 and i was going through a hard time processing the recent divorce of my parents. At the start of the divorce, i couldn't really go outside anymore and developed social anxiety, so i just burrowed myself into videogames. Back to the TS Server. After a few weeks i met her and we played some games together had fun and met many new people and got many new friends which we still know to this day. So that went on for a while. I always thought she was pretty and funny and everything, but i couldn't imagine a relation ship at this distance at my age, like how would i even get there and then my situation as a whole. After a year or so i gathered a few people and i created my own private server to hang out only with them and i wanted to only have these people around me. I didn't want to meet new people anymore because i was afraid of them. Every now and then i went back to the (Let's call it) PS Server and played games with the people from the beginning but after a while i stopped going on there because i had to move alot, since my mom couldn't afford paying rent in Vienna on her own, so we were living at a friends house, then at another friends house and so on. I had my PC and that's all i wanted, so then we finally had a "home" again, but she couldn't afford it either after a few years since her condition got worse and she couldn't go work anymore. So we moved the place of my sisters BF and lived in a small room together, which was really a painful experience for both of us after a while. So about 5 years of me just sitting infront my PC, not going outside have passed now. I haven't played or talked with my to be GF in a long time and kind of forgot about her.
#RELATIONSHIP
I haven't been on the PS Server for 2 years or something. Then a friend of mine which was still active on there was taking me to their Sever because after all those years i finally agreed to play with a person i don't know. We played like 2 days in a row on there and then BOOOM she joined the channel. As soon as i heard her voice i died inside and was thinking things like "How could i forget about her?" and stuff. So then she started playing ALOT of games with us, as long as i was there. We started talking again and stuff and then i got sick of my life, playing games day in, day out, getting debts and i just accepted, that i would just fall unconsious infront of my pc one day. So i asked one of my internet friends if i could visit him in germany for a few days, to relax from my life an everything. The time i've been waiting for the day to come, when my flight would depart, me and her would talk and watch videos and play games on our own 24/7 and then i was there, going outside in a long time, affraid of everything, sweating, but i wanted to meet her. We got together on the next day of my arrival. After 2 weeks i had to fly home, i couldn't imagine how painful it really was. So the LDR started.
She graduated and started doing like a voluntary work kind of thing for a year. I was at home, waiting for her, every day. I just didn't kow what to do anymore when she wasn't there to spend time with me. This went on a bit and she got annoyed every now and then because i was just so (i don't know how to explain). I just wanted all her time, i didn't want to play with her AND other people at the same time, i wanted her for myself. I really am a jealous person and everytime she played with someone or we played with someone i was so angry and hurt and i don't know. Also she was the only person i EVER talked to about my problems, i didn't talk to any of my friends about it. I was "overloading" her and i didn't know. So she got angry a few times, because her family would ask about me, like what i do for work and stuff and she always had to answer "nothing". Because it was true and i understand her. So i started going to school again and finish it for her. The problem was, everything i did, i did for HER, not for me. She told me, that that's not good and i should start doing things for myself. But i didn't want to listen. I focused my life around her. That's all i wanted. We also had problems on the sexual subject. It worked at first but then she was hurting everytime we "tried" and it never worked again. She was rarely in the mood, i was always, so i kind of passively pushed her and stuff. But i loved her more than this and i wanted to "endure" the pain if brought me. When she was surprisingly in the mood a few times, we tried and it didn't work. She ended up crying and apologizing that she couldn't "offer" it to me. I loved her more than that so i wanted to put this aside and stay with her. So time passed and before school we saw each other for like 1 or 2 weeks every month since i didn't have to do anything. Now i rarely got to see her during school since i can't just take a day off and our latest "break" was 4 months. I am almost finished with school and she and her father told me that i should start applying for jobs as soon as the school started. I always was like "yea yea, i will, don't worry" but here i am. I never sent one application. I was afraid of the future, i couldn't imagine working. At the moment she is going to university and professional and working, all at once. Her mother recently got breast cancer, so she really is in a stressful situation. I got better with my jealousy and i can even go outside again like a normal person again. I was always there for here, i gave her the time and space, when she needed. I was doing everything to make her happy.
So a few months ago, she started getting mad at me for some reasons, i complimented her everyday, like how pretty she is and smart and cute and all that stuff. I started doing it less because she told me to. I asked for selfies multiple times everyday since i coulnd't get to see her. She got mad about this aswell, so i stopped asking. She didn't like talking about her problems, only when i asked multiple times. When we were mad at each other she didn't want to talk so we texted and this was a chaos, we didn't hold back when this happened, so i hated texting about our problems. When we were talking about it, she didn't like it, wasn't really listening or wanted to leave the call. When we were together in real life, i could just cuddle up on her, kiss her and apologize and everything was fine. She had to listen to my problems everytime and had to endure my mental breakdowns and stuff.
Yea some things aren't really in order but i just write as i try to remember everything.
So now, i'm almost done with school (end of June) and i didn't send one application. Last wednesday i had a breakdown because i don't know what i want to do for work, i missed her, was lonely and she didn't really care because "that's life" and now i truly understand it. 2 days later she wanted to talk and said that she wasn't happy anymore but still loves me and it hurts that she has to breakup even tho we aren't even fighting. She's been thinking about it for a while. I've seen her like 2 weeks ago during easter for about 5 days after the 4 months gap. She told me, that she wasn't even happy to me see me anymore and but i was so happy and it she was sad about that. She broke up with me. I couldn't believe it. "She still loves me but doesn't want to continue?" I was really devastated. She didn't want to talk anymore. I was looking forward to her texts and pictures she sent me everyday. I was looking at my phone like every 30 minutes, if i could'nt hold it in anymore, i would ask her how she's doing and stuff. My life has been only about her. I bought a 11 hour train ticket to her and was on my way that night. In the morning she removed our pictures from social media and whatsapp. So i texted her if she wanted to talk once more. She said no, so i told her that i'm on my way right now and gets to choose whether i should leave the train or keep going. I left at the city where my father lives because she told me. That day has been a pain. Ever since she broke up, i was on the edge of throwing up, i couldn't eat, sleep, nothing. I somehow got through that day and i started talking about everything with my father, his wife, my friends and it felt good and now i know i should've done it muuuch earlier. She was the only one who always had to listen to me, even in her stressful situation. I was always in need of her attention. Looking at my phone, hurts. Seeing a cute dog hurts, because i would send her a picture of the dog to make her happy. everything hurts because it was all about her.
Everyone of the people told me that i shouldn't have made my life about only her. I should've done things for my self first and then her.
I understand it now. Everyone also thinks, that the thing with me not getting an application done was huge. i had over a year and didn't do anything. So she wouldn't really have a great future with me and so on. I get it now. I called her again and a was talking to her for 60 minutes while walking in the rain. I asked her why she says, she loves me, but doesn't want to be together with me. She said i just wouldn't work anymore. I didn't understand.
PART 2 in comments.. too many characters whoops
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