Too young to commit...?

[birchc13]

I'm 21 years old, and within the past six months I have really started to own the label "lesbian". Finally I am no longer afraid to acknowledge I'm attracted to other women!! I am young, in the middle of my degree, living alone in the city...and very inexperienced at being with other women. I was enjoying and looking for nothing more than casual sex when I met the person who is now my long distance girlfriend.

We met online three months ago talking about mutual interests. She (22) lives in Brazil, and I live in Canada. We've been in an open relationship for about two months now. (It felt like we moved way too fast and way too slow at the same time.) We texted all the time; the attention was intoxicating. Over time, as she confessed things to me, denying that she was flirting with me and then admitting she actually was, wanting to be more than friends, it was pretty easy to go along with. She was really nice, very sweet, insanely hot. We have so much fun. But every time we talked about dating or being girlfriends, I had an ugly thought in the back of my mind: is it worth it?

I love her. I really do. But I feel like if I was on the outside, I would say, "It makes no sense to date someone who lives so far away. Just don't. You'll save yourself so much money and heartache when you're not physically together." Part of the reason I wanted to avoid a commited relationship is spending money on the other person. I agreed to date her thinking I would just go with the flow, but now I find myself so in love with her, I can't stop myself from seriously planning to spend thousands of dollars on plane tickets. I can't help from talking about seeing her, moving in with her, marrying her.

She talks about moving to Canada with me like she's definitely going to do it. "When I move to Canada..." She says, and makes it feel so close and attainable, even though I know it would actually take years, like at least 5 years, before she actually could move. She once said she would never move away from her mum while her mum was still alive.

She wants to have kids, and I'm terrified of being a parent. She smokes. When I think about visiting her, meeting her friends and family, I know I don't want to do that at all, and I'm worried about the reason why that is.

I can't help but feel like if I let this go on much longer, I'll be committing to years of long distance. Committing to marrying and living with a smoker. Committing to being a horrible parent to her kids. I worry I've already wasted too much time with her, even though I love her so much, every message feels like a gift. I definitely don't want to try and fail to build a life together five years down the road. I don't want to waste all that time and money.

I don't want to come out to my parents saying "by the way, I'm in love with a woman who lives in Brazil." How could anyone take me seriously? I don't want to make her move away from all her friends and family who she loves so much. I don't want to be unable to make her happy.

What do I do? Should I get out now? Should I say fuck it and go all in? Half of me is realizing that the decisions I make now are shaping what my life will look like in 5 five years, and the other half is thinking that nothing matters and I can spend my time and money however I want. Please let me know what you all think! 💖

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Ok. First things first. Take a deep breath. Then another.
So you happened to fall in love with someone you haven't met. She smokes. She wants kids. So what?
You've known each other three months. That isn't a long time. You have no idea what is down the road for her or for you. Life happens when you're busy making other plans. I'm not saying you should give up. That is entirely your call. Three months doesn't make a lifetime guarantee for anyone. Even marriage isn't a guarantee. Or kids. I speak from personal experience. I have two daughters, but I'm not still with their fathers. Do I regret having them? No. Do I regret my relationships with their fathers? No.
For all the stuff that I have gone through in life has brought me by some miracle to this fantastic man I now know. He was married, and it ended. He smokes, and I don't like it. But you know what? I love him with all my heart. Above and beyond everything. He is my world, and I intend to marry him. I wish it could happen tomo, but I know it won't. It will take a long time to get there, because there is 1000s of miles between us. First I need to do 15 months of therapy. Then I need to move to the UK and get a job. Then when I have been earning enough for 2 years, I can marry him and bring him to live with me (hopefully).
It's a long time to wait, and I hate that too. But I believe he is worth it. So I endure long periods without him, missing him and crying frequently. It seems so cruel, but what is my alternative? Give up the love of my life because an ocean happens to divide us? Even though he is perfect for me in every way, adores me, respects me, and treats me like a queen? Then I would either be alone or with someone else. But I wouldn't be anywhere near as happy as I am with him. No one else could love me like he does, the way I need.

Life isn't always logical and rational, and you're not on the outside of your situation.
I was adamant that I didn't want to meet my SO's family either. I didn't want to know anybody that meant something to him. IDK when, but that dissolved at some point. By the time I had booked my first visit, I knew I would meet his mum. I told him not to tell me in advance when it would be, to help with my anxiety. We went to see her, and I was kinda at odds with the whole thing, but she was fine with me. She didn't ask probing questions, which was what I feared most, and we only stayed an hour or two. She even took our photo, which I am so grateful for, because we didn't take one ourselves.
When all is said and done there are only two options. One is to go for it, and see where it leads. The other is to quit before you've really begun, but then you will never know what could've been. If you walk away, would you regret it? I know I would if I left my man.

[Lune]

Hey there

I agree with Atlantic Crossroads. You are only dating for a few months yet and even let it open because you were searching for something non-committed in the first place.
I think that not the speed your relationship went in the beginning is so much intoxicating but more your general attitude to it all. When I met my partner and fell for him the main things were and still are spending time together, getting to know each other, all these things you do when start dating someone. Going into it all with doubts right away or thinking a relationship is about spending money and even wasting time, going into compromises you feel not ready for (yet), just takes away so much of the fun and enjoyable time, the feeling of being in love, having the head in the clouds and being happy to have found each other and being together and won't lead to any good.
Normally when knowing a person longer and longer everyone discovers certain things that are good or not so good, then you can work with it together and see what will be made out of that. When it already happens at such an early point, then it can be pretty poisonous. And a sign. Not everyone is made for long distance commitments or for commitments in general yet and it will come with the years when you gained more life experience, also in your love life, got more self confident and know what you really want and not. You are still young and finding your way like it seems.

In your position I would go into myself and really come clear about what you feel and want. If it all is only "going with the flow" of your partner because she began with these intentions and committed her feelings and if it is because you don't wanna hurt her by not going with it or if you honestly feel for her and are in love like you say you are. But then thinking about the future should not feel like a probable waste of time, money and emotions. And it just happens in life that when someone falls for you and you like them you still don't fall for them likewise and that is alright, when being honest with it instead of going for something for the wrong reasons.

If you decide that you wanna continue this relationship then Atlantic Crossroads gave you pretty good advice. Let time show how it all will develop before worrying so quick about big deals like moving, kids or marriage after only a few weeks and not even meeting yet.

All the best