how to break up during a holiday visit

[xoxoxo]

Hi Guys,

After a lot of thought I have decided that it is best for my long distance parter and I to break up. We clearly want different things from life. I had already booked my flight tickets to go visit him for 5 days next weekend, so I am planning to talk to him then, since I think doing it face to face makes the most sense after all we have been through. I would like some suggestions as to when I should have this talk. If i do it as soon as I get there then the rest of the days are going to be awkward, but if I do it on the last day that will be such a bummer after the 4 days we spend together! But I do not want to push this anymore. Please tell me what you guys think!

xoxoxo

[Sunshinewings]

Hello! What is it that you want, versus what he wants? Do you think maybe talking to him about your goals might help before you actually break it off? I am in a similar boat. Hopefully we can help each other.

[xoxoxo]

Dear Sunshinewings,

Well I have tried talking about it for a really long time now, but he just doesn't seem to want to have a conversation. He knows that I will eventually be okay with everything because I talk myself out of the situation- but I get no help from him. So this doesnt really feel like a partnership. All of the issues have kind of built up cause he avoids having conversations about things that bother me. It is nothing that he doesn't know. At this point, I feel like it is a choice I have to make, whether I can live with a partner with no emotional capabilities or end this considering all the factors. We are also not sure when we will ever be in the same city again so that is an added issue.
What are you going through? Would you like to talk about it? I'll be happy to hear you out and help if I can

[Sunshinewings]

Oh wow - I feel like we are in the same boat, or similar. It's so hard to get someone to open up, and he either won't, or just can't. So maybe this will help me follow my own advice.

Do you want a label or commitment, and he's still happy taking things day by day?

[xoxoxo]

Well there are certain things that bother my like his female friends staying the night over at his place or the fact that he just wont take me out with his friends or family or just the fact that he never expresses how he actually feels. We have been together 4 year and last two years just feel like I am trying really hard to make this work, but I'm not happy. And he is not doing anything about it either. So yeah, that's that.

[Sunshinewings]

Ok, I would have the same issue. If there is an official commitment, there really is nothing appropriate about other women staying at his house overnight, especially with no other men there. Do you think you've stayed together because of the sense of comfort that a relationship brings?

[xoxoxo]

Yes absolutely! I have been with him for so long, that it scares me to be without him. And I kept telling myself this is okay cause atleast he isn't cheating on me, I was so comfortable in this relationship that I did not want to face the issues.

[Lune]

Hi there!

It is sad that your situation is ongoing for so long already and that the effort to change it did not lead to success. To your question, there is really no easy way to break something off and at first glance to do it on the last day looks better, yet it made me thinking, because after 4 years there might be more to talk about after such a decision, especially when leaving after this probably forever. And I think it feels worse when your partner stays with you for some days, you do stuff together or hang out and be a couple and act like nothing is wrong when at the last day the big bomb drops then and you feel not only sad and surprised but also betrayed maybe. Sure you can try to make the last days as happy as possible, but will it really feel better in the end with you knowing that it is not as happy as you pretend and him realizing that it all might not have been honest anymore?

Where will you stay in California? At his place? How does it make you feel when having this plan in your head? I think maybe you could use the trip for something like a last chance or at least for giving it the time it needs to break off such a long connection and don't have to go to your flight in the end with any regrets, because you had enough time to sort it out somehow best possible. So for that it would be best to be honest as soon as possible, put the cards on the table with your boyfriend and stay somewhere else after that, to let it sink in for both of you and be able to see how you deal with it, feel with it and still have the possibility to meet up the next day/s again to talk more about it.
You say your partner changed in the last two years, what means he was different somewhere before. And it is easier to run away from such a serious matter when being in long distance than in short distance. This time he won't be able to and eventually will wake up somehow to a point.

[Sunshinewings]

I agree with Lune. I think it's best to have the conversation up front. I say this because if you have a couple of good days together that could confuse you both... you might things are going to be ok, he might not even think anything is wrong, but then you go back home and back to questioning everything again. If it's a matter of money, there are lots of options for places to stay and so many free things to do to enjoy your time there.

[xoxoxo]

Lune and sunshinewings,

Thanks for your opinions. I guess you are both are right. I should do it at the start. But I am going to be staying at his place for 5 days, and if it goes bad the trip is going to be so awkward and these might be the last few days we get to spend together do I want to remember our relationship that way? That really worries me.
Although if i bring it up at the start we both know exactly whats going on and gives us time to work on it if needed. But if things go bad, I might have to leave and find a hotel or something for the rest of the days. And I wont have those last few moments to spend with me(which might actually be for the best). But this is . gonna be so much harder because he's not a bad person, he's my best friend, our timing is probably off.

[Sunshinewings]

That is what makes it so hard. When the person is really just a good person, it is so much harder to cut ties if you feel that's right. If he was a jerk this wouldn't even be a question. Do you know people in California who you could stay with? What city?

[xoxoxo]

yes thats what makes it so hard. It should be fine though. thanks for all your help!

[Lune]

It definitely is not easy at all. But when he still means so much to you also as a friend, then it is even better to do it at the beginning and don't pretend or lie to him when acting like it is fine for these days when it is not and then flying away.
You don't have to make a clear cut right away, but tell him seriously what you feel and think and that it cannot go on this way and since he will be in front of you he won't be able to avoid it and run out of the conversation. But like I said you will have at least time to talk about these feelings and reflect in person before going back home and not knowing when or if there will ever be another trip.
And for the case it won't go nice it would always be good to look up a hotel to stay in at least to be able to gain some distance for a night or as long as needed.

[Sunshinewings]

Agree with Lune, 100%. If there is a foundation of friendship in place, it's best for you both to be honest with each other and your individual selves about what this relationship means to you. And definitely have a hotel back up plan.