Am I moving too fast?

[Lacee8]

Hi everyone, I'm sort of new to this forum but I created it because I'm super stressed right now and I dont know what to do. This one is gonna be long so please bear with me.

I'm a 19 year old girl and me and my current boyfriend have been dating for 3 months now. He is 30 years old and we have an 11 year age gap. We met each other online through kik (which I know is super sketchy for a 30 year old man to have but I kind just rolled with it) in a emo/alternative gc. When we first started talking I wasnt looking for a relationship since I just ended another LDR about a month and a half ago. When we first met he told me he was 26 and it wasnt until we started talking and made things official that he told me about his real age which was 4 years old than that. He told me he was worried that I would stop talking to him if I knew his real age, (which was true) and he liked me so much that he didnt want that. He apologized so I asked him if there was anything else he was hiding. He told me that he was a single dad and had a son that was almost 2 years old. Now at the time I was super scared and intimidated because I had no idea how to be a mom or even a step parent but I went along with it. He said that he takes care of his son most of the time because his son's mom is a flight attendant. I was worried about the situation but I liked him too much to say end it and so we continued to date.

We talked every single day and every free minute we had. Before work and during lunch breaks and late at night. I cant remember how the conversation started but about 3 weeks into our relationship he told me more information that he lied to me about earlier. He planned to visit me and had bought a flight, hotel room, and rented a car. I asked about who would watch his son and he told me that his son's mom would. That didn't exactly make sense to me with her being a flight attendant and thats when he told me the truth. He was still living with his son's mom, and they were co parenting together but their relationship officially ended 5 or so months ago. And he also was still married to her....

I was completely devastated. I felt like the other woman and like I was breaking up a home. I didnt know what to say so I just cried for hours. This was someone that I was falling in love with and I didnt want to give that up. He told me that he had been sleeping on the couch for the last 4 months and nothing sexual or even romantically related went on between them. He apologized and said he was sorry and that he didnt want to hurt me so that's why he lied. He promised to never do it again. I believed him and we continued to date.

When he visited me about two weeks after that it was amazing. We got to spend so much time together and I knew that i was truly in love. I asked him about his wife and why he was still living there and he told me that he never had the strength to leave, especially since he knew it would mean having less time with his son. But since meeting me he wanted to start the process, getting a divorce moving out and everything else. After we met and he went back home he sold his motorcycle for money to move out and bought an apartment. He didnt want to just spring all of the bills and stuff on his ex so he slowly started the process of telling her and preparing her for him.

At this point I was deeply in love so I brought up me moving out to live with him. I genuinely feel as if he's my soul mate and the person that I will spend the rest of my life with and I feel as if he feels the same way. We agreed and talked about it and made plans for me to move out and bought a plane ticket for me to move out there in a month.

Now at this point I didn't mention the fact that I still currently live with my mom. I finished one year of college and prior to meeting my boyfriend I planned on taking a break. Me and my mom have a very close relationship and when I told her about my boyfriend she did not approve. Especially because of the age difference between us and the fact that he has a son. I was super scared and didnt want to tell her about me moving out because I knew she wouldnt approve. Well a week ago I finally told her and it did not go well....

She didnt understand why I wanted to move. She told me that she doesnt trust him and doesn't think its smart or safe even though shes met him before. She feels as if I'm moving too fast and that I'm only basing my decision from emotions (which is partly true). We talked about it for hours and hours for 2 days and it ended with her asking me to stay another year before I leave. I asked her why and she told me that she needs to see that I can take care of myself. She thinks that my boyfriend will try to control the situation and do things to hurt me or be abusive just because he can and because i wont have any family out there with me. Hes never shown me any signs of this and I doubt that would be the case but my mom feels as if I need to slow down and get to know him more because the little time I've spent with him person doesnt count. And she doesn't see the hundreds of hours I've spent talking on the phone and getting to know him as valid.

I agreed to staying another 6 months and told her that I would she her that I'm capable of taking care of myself and she feels as if I should just listen to her and the rest of my family and not go. During our arguments shes mentioned that I would have to sneak away in order to move out because she wouldnt let that happen. I've had issues with self harm in the past but it's been almost a year since I've relapsed and she threatened to have me committed into a mental hospital...

I honestly dont know what to do in this situation, I know that I love my boyfriend and i want to be with him and spend the rest of our lives together. I trust him and ever since the beginning of our relationship he hasnt lied about anything else with me. Hes been honest about everything, even the small stuff as simple as arguments hes bad with his ex. I know he would never do anything that would hurt me. But I can tell that my decision to leave with ruin my relationship with my family, especially my mom. The arguments me and my mom get into cause me so much anxiety. I havent but I'm worried about relapsing...

I feel like I'm caught in between my mom and the love of my life

I'm sorry this was so long and for anyone that reads all of this thank you so much. I'm just really in dire need of help and advice

[Ranidae]

Hello Lacee8,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting! There are lots of things to cover in your story; I will try to give you an informed opinion based on the facts you’re giving.

First of all, a bit about me: I have dated online and had 2 previous partners with a large age gap (highest was +14), so no judgment. I know it can work. However in my case, these men were upfront about their age, marital situation, children and employment situation: having this clarity from the start gave me leeway to make my own choices and progress into a sane, trusting relationship.

In your case, this guy hasn’t – and has repeatedly lied to you:
Lie #1 :

When we first met he told me he was 26 and it wasnt until we [..] made things official that he told me about his real age [...].

Lie #2 :

I asked him if there was anything else he was hiding. He told me that he was a single dad and had a son that was almost 2 years old. […] He said that he takes care of his son most of the time because his son's mom is a flight attendant.

Lie #3 :

[…] about 3 weeks into our relationship he told me more information that he lied to me about earlier. [… ]He was still living with his son's mom, and they were co parenting together but their relationship officially ended 5 or so months ago. And he also was still married to her...

See where I’m getting at?
If it were me, at that point I would have stopped talking to him entirely. You know the saying: “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me”.

But that’s the first part of your story. The second part is your living situation with your Mom:

At this point I was deeply in love so I brought up me moving out to live with him. […] We [...] bought a plane ticket for me to move out there in a month. […]
Me and my mom have a very close relationship and when I told her about my boyfriend she did not approve. […] She told me that she doesnt trust him and doesn't think its smart or safe even though shes met him before.

Try to see things from your Mom's perspective: her daughter is living her life, she's finished a year in college, everything is going fine… and out of the blue, her daughter announces she’s going to be moving in with a 30-year-old male (!), father of one (!!) not yet divorced (!!!) whom she’s met online 3 months ago (WTF o_O” ). And her daughter has met him IRL just ONCE. Her reaction is only natural.

She thinks that my boyfriend will try to control the situation and do things to hurt me or be abusive just because he can and because i wont have any family out there with me. Hes never shown me any signs of this and I doubt that would be the case but my mom feels as if I need to slow down and get to know him more because the little time I've spent with him person doesnt count. And she doesn't see the hundreds of hours I've spent talking on the phone and getting to know him as valid.

That’s right. You have only been dating 3 months. People can be very different IRL than behind a screen. Speaking of abuse is the worst case scenario, but sadly it happens…

You have decided to put the move on hold and stay at home for another 6 months, which is a smart decision. Use this time wisely. My advice here:

- First, take time to consider all the red flags this guy has given you over 3 months. Try to discuss the situation with someone else than your Mom. I personally find it useful to ask a friend’s opinion: unlike parents, they can see situations from a “neutral” point of view, and their advice will always come from a loving place.

- Secondly, I am under the impression your boyfriend hasn’t really “invested” much in the relationship... For instance:
- Has your boyfriend tried to meet your relatives, more than once?
- Has he met any of your friends?
- Have you discussed your career interests (e.g. what you wish to do after your gap year)?
- Have you checked together if there’s a college in his town, offering courses in the field you’re interested in? Have you checked together the job opportunities here?
If you answer “No” to some or all the questions above, do take time to tick all the boxes before considering moving in with him.

- Last but not least, you mentioned something that concerned me:

I've had issues with self harm in the past but it's been almost a year since I've relapsed

I suggest you take advantage of these 6 months to heal yourself and mend your relationship with your Mom. Perhaps talk to a therapist about this, someone you have chosen and who you feel comfortable with. Work on your issues first – it will benefit your current and future relationships.

If this guy really is your soul mate, he will understand the predicament you’re in and won’t pressure you into doing anything that would put you at odds with your family.

To finish, I would like you to read this piece:
- A case slightly similar to your situation, in that the Letter Poster has fallen in love with an older man whose situation is similar to your boyfriend.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...iella-frostrup

Hopefully this helps you Good luck and keep us posted!

[Lune]

Hello and welcome to the forum

I read through all your text and agree with what Ranidae replied to it.
Also how you wrote some things there is already some tone of uncertainty in things he said and lied about but you still went along with it, what I put also on the fact that you fell for him and like it is in the beginning of love with wearing the rose-coloured glasses some people tend to take in and tend to accept more than they would under other circumstances. Besides him having lied, I think it is also a huge red flag what he lied about. I mean, he is a grown man and should be old and mature enough, especially when already being married and having a kid, to be honest about this part of his life. I often think if people lie about such things already, what about more serious stuff? It just does not built a good base of trust either, not for a friendship and also not for a relationship. Plus the things that he lied about would have come out anyway, so well.

To the second part, like I said, I agree what Ranidae wrote to it. Three months is a very short time and besides the fact that it can take a lifetime to get to know another person because you basically never stop learning new things about each other, it still is way not enough time to figure out if this person is serious about the both of you, how he is in his everyday life and if you would match there too. Another thing is his son and the co-parenting with his still-to-be-wife. You are young and say yourself it worries you that there is a kid around and you don't know how to deal with that yet.
I think you should find that out in the next months as well, as also all the things that have been listed above that are about your own future in a new place, where you will be dependent on your partner living there already in the first place til you find friends, a job, continue your studies and so on.

All the best.

[TaraMarie]

I have to weigh in. I have a 19 yr old daughter who also has similar issues and has recently spent time in the hospital. I also was married for 25 years to a man 22 years older than me. I moved in with him when I was 19. I can totally relate to both your side and your mom's side.

Don't do it. Do NOT move in with him. If he is totally above board he will wait 6 months or a year for you. That is not a long time. My current husband and I were long distance FOR YEARS.

I think there are many, many red flags. Also, enjoy being 19. I missed out on so many things that all if my friends got to experience. Although I had a great marriage and had three beautiful kids, in the end, we had nothing in common as we aged and the marriage was over.

Your mom needs to know you are ok. You could suffer a set back if this doesn't work out. Don't out your mother through the worry. And if he loves you, he won't want you to do that to your mom either.

Give it time. You have your entire life ahead of you.