Closed the gap 9 months ago: difficulties integrating partner here

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Hi everyone,

my partner moved from Canada to be with me in Germany in December of last year. We always knew that we might not stay here forever, but we wanted to give it a go, see how heīd cope in Eruope.

The reason why we didnīt plan on staying right away is that we still want to travel some more and that he wants to get more education - likely in his home country.

So we have been here for 9 months together and live in a lovely apartment in the countryside. My boyfriend found a great job relatively fast and has been working as a chef in a restaurant close to our home. His schedule means, that he typically finishes at 10 pm. This schedule has made it a bit hard to have an extensive social life. We do see my family on his days off and meet friends together when weīre both free. I also meet friends alone obviously sometimes.

His language skills have improved a lot, but it is difficult for him as the local dialect is super thick and hard to understand. My family and friends try their best to remember to speak high german with him, but they forget, especially in group setting. I feel really bad, when he cannot join the conversation cause he simply doesnīt understand the dialect.

I also worry, that he feels like he doesnīt have "his own" social circle here. He gets along well with his co-workers, but hasnīt established any friendships of his own. It is hard, as we live in the countryside and there isnīt a huge amount of clubs or courses he could join.

I love him and I am so grateful, that he came here to be with me. But I have to say I feel pretty anxious 24/7. I always worry, that he would never feel at home here. That his educational options are limited here. That I hold him back from being where he actually wants to be. He has said before, that he wouldnīt live here if it wasnīt for me. He finds Germany cramped compared to Canada (I understand) and misses the space and remoteness of his home. But he also says he is ok and that being with me is what is most important to him. I am closer with my family than he is for sure.

Obviously, we consider going to Canada as well, but I would like to get a masterīs degree next year and it is so much cheaper (free!) in Germany. For my partner however options would be quite limited here as his language skills are not good enough now to attend university in Germany or start an apprenticeship. However we would move to a larger city, that is a lot more international and where some of my closest friends live.

I guess I am just wondering how I could make him feel more at home here. How I could get rid off this constant anxiety

[Lune]

Aloha from Germany as well

Congrats on closing the distance It is a great thing your partner also found a job.

I believe it is not easy for everyone to find own social circles and things to do when moving into a whole new place and country, but how does your partner feel about it himself? Does he complain about not being able to follow hobbies, having own friends and so on yet? On one side 9 months is still a short time to settle depending on what kind of person you are, still learning the language and so, but I think this feeling like home can come with time. Much important is communication with each other about it. When your boyfriend says he does not like this or that here, do you tell him in this conversations about your worries as well an how you feel? This is the best way against anxiety, because when you are just honest and talk about it it won't spin around in your head anymore but you have in the best case an answer you can work with at least.

Also I think when you move into another region where he has more variety of activities to do it can help a lot more as well. What kind of more education does he wanna do?

With your friends and family, I think all there is to do is just that they learn to speak so he can understand it as well. Because when still learning German in general it is unlikely he will start to learn the dialects words on his own so quick too and even if it is something that can be annoying to pay attention to it is only fair. If they were somewhere else and would not understand a thing everyone would wish as well that people around you try to help you as much as possible to be able to join things.


If you want, you can write a PN or so too. It is always cool to find fellow (former) LDR members in the same country as well and maybe exchange advice etc like this as well

[Atlantic Crossroads]

In terms of feeling at home, I will say that it took me about 18 months or so to fully settle here in Ireland. I was homesick for a long time. I missed everything familiar, and I missed basic things like frequent public transport. I had always taken them for granted, but then I came out here and discovered there was 1 bus into town every 4 hours!
Now I am comfortable, and I worry about moving back to England, despite the fact that I was born there and only left 3 years ago.

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Thank you for you response, Lune.

My partner doesnīt complain about the lack of a social circle when we talk about it. I get more anxious than him about most things and I care about him being integrated. He says he doesnīt have a huge social circle in Canada either, but has few really close friends. He does speak to these friends now too regularly, which always makes him feel better. I know I shouldnīt be anxious or worry about these things, but I do feel bad when I spend an evening with friends and I know heīll then be at home alone. It just makes me feel so bad, although I rationally know he is fine and prefers playing video games over going out anyways.

I agree with you that there isnīt another option other than people around him speak high German, which really isnīt too hard. But people get carried away when theyīre in groups. I do always comment on it or ask them to please speak German, but honestly some people just are too comfortable. Specifically people who havenīt traveled a lot and havenīt been in the situation that they didnīt speak the language in another country. We mostly spend time with people, who will make the effort though.

Iīll send you a message if I can figure out how

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Thanks, Atlantic Crossroads. I know it hasnīt been all too long. I guess I am worried weīre not giving it enough time as it is, since we will likely leave again for a few months..
We will see!