First meeting advice

[Rob728]

Hello everyone. So my boyfriend and I (I am also a guy) have been together long distance for about 3 years. We recently met in person for the first time on Wednesday and are together until the 28th. I thought everything was going to be everything I imagined. Except it’s not...I haven’t received any sort of physical affection that’s intimate and not just playful. I haven’t received a single hug, kiss, hand holding and definitely nothing sexual...am I overthinking this? Should I say something? Am I in the wrong for thinking we should’ve at least kissed by now let alone hugged! It’s been 5 days...it’s not that the only thing I think of is that kind of stuff but it’s the principal that he in the past has “hooked up” (if you catch my drift) with strangers he met for an hour in a bar. And I after knowing him for just about 3 years can’t even get a hug...what do I do


Background info- I’m 23 hes 20. He flew to me (U.S) from the U.K

[Lune]

Hello Rob

Great that you could meet With the affection, it is a thing that everyone is unsure about before the first meeting I think, because you just never know how it will turn out in advance.
With how the situation is now, there can be different explanations. Maybe he is shy, needs to settle a bit in the new environment since he flew to you (in the case he was never abroad or so far abroad before) and get used to finally be with you now, fearing to move too quick if he does the things you miss right now. Or he just might not feel like doing that and something is off. Or something total different.
The only solution here is either you make the first step and see how he reacts, in this case it is like kind of giving him the go for that and showing him you want it too. Did you already try that?
Or talking about it, telling him how you feel and that you are confused? The earlier you solve this the better

All the best and have a fun time together

[Rob728]

Hi Lune! Many thanks for your reply. I have tried to be a bit affectionate and unfortunately to no avail. It seems like he’ll only allow certain things like rubbing his leg while sitting on the couch for example but anything more and he’ll change positions and move back. I understand what you’re saying about being shy and what not. As a generally shy person I fully relate however I refuse to believe that is the case. I mean (sorry to get a bit detailed here) this is a person who’s slept with random older guys he’s met only an hour previously in a bar. So if he’s gonna say “he’s shy” I’m sorry but that’s the end of the conversation right there. I truly don’t know whether to be angry or sad in all honesty.

[autumn1790]

What does he say when you ask why he is reticent to engage in physical affection?

[Rob728]

I haven’t asked him directly why he isn’t engaging in any physical affection just yet. I was giving it a few days to see if he’d start but it’s been 6 days so I’m thinking I’m going to say something now.

[Lune]

I really think you should. It seems like the solution won't develop by itself and it is better to get some clarity now when you are still in the same room and then also hopefully the cuddles and affection you wish and long for or you will at least have some explanation to deal with. It is better than letting it go, him going back and you being frustrated about not having asked directly or anything

[Rob728]

So I ended up asking him. Not in the way I wanted to, I ended drinking a bit too much vodka lol and asked him pretty bluntly. His reply was that he doesn’t want to risk making this awkward because it’s not like he can just leave considering his flight isn’t until the 28th and I have to drive him to the airport. And that all of his one night stands he had to ability to leave anytime he wanted so didn’t feel the pressure to make things awkward...I said okay but you just met those people we’ve been together for 3 years surely I should get better affection than them...Quite frankly I find his answer to be bullshit. It’s so irrational to me it’s ridiculous. I feel like I’m having a two week vacation with a work coworker rather than a boyfriend...Am I wrong for thinking this?

[RWhiz]

No you're not wrong. Something's off, maybe he doesn't feel any chemistry or he's just more comfortable in a one night stand situation.

[Lune]

I don't think his reaction is the one of a person in love and pretty awkward already as well as uncomfortable for you now. If he really said the thing with the leaving like this, it just sounds like he feels out of place and wants to go home and as if he is not ready for some long term serious relationship, since he seems to prefer the easy and short exchange between two people.

I would try to talk to him again in your case, seeing if you find any solution other than going on like this for a week and being unhappy completely. And if you both come to the point where you either find a solution for you as a couple, as friends or even letting go, go the next steps to that. You should not be forced to have him in your home when it all feels not right and same for him.