Urgent/Helicopter Parent/Long Distance Relationship
To Whom It May Concern,
I need as much help as anyone can willingly give! First off thank you very, very much for any attention given. I am sorry of the length, yet your time here will mean a lot to us and any answers, suggestions of aid or measure of cooperation would have more gratitude then I can possibly show in this message.
You can call me K., I am a male of 33 (yes that really says 33) years living and working multiple jobs year round (including teaching elementary school, fast food, public service and entrepreneur work), in a tourist heavy part of Eastern Canada, but still living at home with my one parent and brother.
I am an intensely private person (even with my own family, which is a source of contention with them) and don’t talk much in general over social media (even to friends or coworkers), but I am under an extreme amount of stress right now (and for the past few weeks) with little end in sight and have been forced to/purposely opened up to find solutions and compromises. This has really started to affect my health to the point of headaches, over-tiredness, sleep loss, shaking, immune system suppression, and bouts of sudden crying, etc. People are starting to notice at work and offering to lend an ear. I can’t keep this a secret anymore.
No!!!! I am NOT at all suicidal to get that out of the way.
Both my girlfriend and I are definite confirmed INFJ's, by the Myer's Brigg tests if that also helps. My brother is certainly an INTJ. Mother unknown.
While living in Eastern Canada I have been talking with a woman from the Philippines for the past 6 years and we have been in a pseudo long-distance relationship for the past 3 years. Yes we met on a dating site. J. lives in Metro Manila and is roughly a year younger than me, working as a Business Analyst for the past ~12 years. Her extensive extended family is from a part of a more rural and retirement province, but she has moved around a lot with extended family to go to various schools growing up. Frankly I have been pressured not to say much about her since my family is of the impression “[my] relationship could easily break apart since she can’t easily come to Canada.” J. openly and honestly, ultimately wishes to immigrate here as a long-term plan.
However, in the short-term we have been struggling, no, we are now supremely frustrated, pushed to our breaking points with just trying to even meet up for the FIRST time; to have a chance at further cementing our relationship in person, build some lasting memories participating in events together and eventually meet each others’ families (outside of Skype). This is due both in equal parts to multiple failed visa applications and, very sadly, my families’ social pressures.
I won't bore you with the full story of the visa woes as nothing can be done about those here, although we have tried multiple times for entries to both Canada and the US over the past three years. In between all this we contacted anyone we could, online forums, travel agencies, people who have immigrated to Canada, a retired Immigration Canada (IRCC) official, etc to try and understand, receiving conflicting information, and getting ourselves more lost and confused as we went. Just to show my desperation to try and get her to be able to visit here and prevent all this trouble in the first place let it also be known that under less stressful times I have tried contacting IRCC before both by phone and email many times to no avail. When that failed I began emailing various MP's, immigration offices, Immigration ministers offices, and even messaged the Office of the Prime Minister (July 20th, 2019) about visas in general, whom was the only one to send back anything, just a brief missive about referring my restricted size message to the Honourable Ahmed Hussen or other supporting officials. I have received no further contact from anyone else.
Forgive us our naivety. It seems so, so, so simple and straightforward, just a few days travel here in Canada, but we see now it really isn’t. Let’s just say we have been trying to address visa concerns but still get the same refusal reasons even though we should have cleared them by now.
I have tried attesting to J.’s character and equally giving this ordeal due thought to my mother’s concerns (honestly I have). My family doesn’t think J. is who she says she is (or rather this is all a scam) and doesn’t try to talk to her without a lot of pressure. They hasn't even talked to any of her family in 3 years, while I have at least met them and some of J's friends online as well (even if they can't speak great English).
J. and I have a lot of similar interests, and a few differences that are never really going to be a problem for either of us, we have been sharing gifts for years, have talked routinely through chat programs and the occasional Skype calls (we both work a lot and are on different sides of the planet), shared and gifted childhood books/movies, and already been though some rough spots together concerning other outside forces (someone locally in my area messaging her over a nonexistent relationship that I was supposedly having with a regular patron at one of my workplaces (who’s kids I regularly taught hence why we spoke)). We have weathered a fair amount together that I believe would count as certainly something towards giving her a legitimate chance.
We both grew up without our fathers, hers is deceased and mine caused such grieve during a decade long divorce process he fractured my family to a point very few talk to one another. It has just been my understandably overprotective mother, brother, and a few of my mother’s older extended family for a good part of my life now, with old wounds only starting to heal among other family members. Honestly I suppose I have been more and more grumpy and disapproving of my home life for quite some time prior to this. I have lied to them a little over little things (like which store I am working at on a given day since they hate certain things more, or would worry more) and as a result they don’t trust me now. (I just got my brother a week ago in a trap to see if he was spying on me and checking where I was at a given time). I work hard both as a bit of an escape from my dull home life (I feel I can’t go anywhere without getting 20 questions) and more importantly so that I will have more time to dedicate to a future family as I will have earned more upfront. I am future oriented. Their over-protection is somewhat understandable but really it should not be justified, especially at my age.
I don’t wish to drive further wedges in between what I have left of a family by being disobedient. We are largely the only support we have left for one another growing older now, and still stuck together under one roof. I have also overworked myself, as I said above, often running between 3+ jobs at a time to get to where I am now. Hence I am told phrases repeatedly denying approval for me to travel to the Philippines as it is “to dangerous” and “you have never met this women before.” “You work so hard you shouldn’t waste your money in the pursuit of this girl.” “Think about your career.” “Protect yourself she might be after your money, etc.” I have already suffered one very hard to swallow heartbreak a decade ago because of these “protective”, “good intention” seeking measures. My family didn’t want to see me in a relationship with someone with a physical disability that left her bound to a wheelchair cause: “You could never make it work.” and most hurtful: “that is not the life we want for you.” I am left to wonder if what I want for me means anything.
I won’t speak to much more of my failed love life, but I have a Chinese ex as well (my only other relationship) that I went out with for a year and lost to yet similar circumstances, and the fact that it wasn't a good match from the beginning, but we both were desperate to seek any kind of relationship experience having never had any at all growing up. Although I can make friends easily, I am more particular about choosing close friends (and lately have had little to no contact with them as they started families of their own years back), and I connect with very few people on more intimate/heartfelt levels. My lack of communicating doesn’t mean I don’t care. I just don’t value casual meaningless banter. My social skills towards finding and attaining significant others are practically non-existent which makes this all the more harder for me, and I am only growing older. Also I am in a rural area so my options are limited and my mother believes I can just go sit in a local pub, library, etc once a week and eventually find someone.
I am sick of the sheltering, and yet don’t wish the shame of hurting my parent and only brother to pursue a love interest ie: having to choose between my best chance of a future family relationship or the loving family that raised me (their intentions aside). I guess it is hard for someone with a 45 year teaching career in elementary to see her sons as anything but her children for life. That is not to say I haven’t made cracks in the armour. I pulled a lot of strings to get leverage for those family trips to the USA, although that didn’t pan out with J., so we didn’t go. The clock keeps on ticking and I feel bad for what part I play in having my girlfriend hold out on hope for years of her life and spend her savings on attempts to get together. (She has been trying to travel a lot (10+ countries now) and buy an apartment rather than rent to meet visa conditions.) We know it will take years before we can completely do so. Both our families demand no less.
I need as much help as anyone can willingly give! First off thank you very, very much for any attention given. I am sorry of the length, yet your time here will mean a lot to us and any answers, suggestions of aid or measure of cooperation would have more gratitude then I can possibly show in this message.
You can call me K., I am a male of 33 (yes that really says 33) years living and working multiple jobs year round (including teaching elementary school, fast food, public service and entrepreneur work), in a tourist heavy part of Eastern Canada, but still living at home with my one parent and brother.
I am an intensely private person (even with my own family, which is a source of contention with them) and don’t talk much in general over social media (even to friends or coworkers), but I am under an extreme amount of stress right now (and for the past few weeks) with little end in sight and have been forced to/purposely opened up to find solutions and compromises. This has really started to affect my health to the point of headaches, over-tiredness, sleep loss, shaking, immune system suppression, and bouts of sudden crying, etc. People are starting to notice at work and offering to lend an ear. I can’t keep this a secret anymore.
No!!!! I am NOT at all suicidal to get that out of the way.
Both my girlfriend and I are definite confirmed INFJ's, by the Myer's Brigg tests if that also helps. My brother is certainly an INTJ. Mother unknown.
While living in Eastern Canada I have been talking with a woman from the Philippines for the past 6 years and we have been in a pseudo long-distance relationship for the past 3 years. Yes we met on a dating site. J. lives in Metro Manila and is roughly a year younger than me, working as a Business Analyst for the past ~12 years. Her extensive extended family is from a part of a more rural and retirement province, but she has moved around a lot with extended family to go to various schools growing up. Frankly I have been pressured not to say much about her since my family is of the impression “[my] relationship could easily break apart since she can’t easily come to Canada.” J. openly and honestly, ultimately wishes to immigrate here as a long-term plan.
However, in the short-term we have been struggling, no, we are now supremely frustrated, pushed to our breaking points with just trying to even meet up for the FIRST time; to have a chance at further cementing our relationship in person, build some lasting memories participating in events together and eventually meet each others’ families (outside of Skype). This is due both in equal parts to multiple failed visa applications and, very sadly, my families’ social pressures.
I won't bore you with the full story of the visa woes as nothing can be done about those here, although we have tried multiple times for entries to both Canada and the US over the past three years. In between all this we contacted anyone we could, online forums, travel agencies, people who have immigrated to Canada, a retired Immigration Canada (IRCC) official, etc to try and understand, receiving conflicting information, and getting ourselves more lost and confused as we went. Just to show my desperation to try and get her to be able to visit here and prevent all this trouble in the first place let it also be known that under less stressful times I have tried contacting IRCC before both by phone and email many times to no avail. When that failed I began emailing various MP's, immigration offices, Immigration ministers offices, and even messaged the Office of the Prime Minister (July 20th, 2019) about visas in general, whom was the only one to send back anything, just a brief missive about referring my restricted size message to the Honourable Ahmed Hussen or other supporting officials. I have received no further contact from anyone else.
Forgive us our naivety. It seems so, so, so simple and straightforward, just a few days travel here in Canada, but we see now it really isn’t. Let’s just say we have been trying to address visa concerns but still get the same refusal reasons even though we should have cleared them by now.
I have tried attesting to J.’s character and equally giving this ordeal due thought to my mother’s concerns (honestly I have). My family doesn’t think J. is who she says she is (or rather this is all a scam) and doesn’t try to talk to her without a lot of pressure. They hasn't even talked to any of her family in 3 years, while I have at least met them and some of J's friends online as well (even if they can't speak great English).
J. and I have a lot of similar interests, and a few differences that are never really going to be a problem for either of us, we have been sharing gifts for years, have talked routinely through chat programs and the occasional Skype calls (we both work a lot and are on different sides of the planet), shared and gifted childhood books/movies, and already been though some rough spots together concerning other outside forces (someone locally in my area messaging her over a nonexistent relationship that I was supposedly having with a regular patron at one of my workplaces (who’s kids I regularly taught hence why we spoke)). We have weathered a fair amount together that I believe would count as certainly something towards giving her a legitimate chance.
We both grew up without our fathers, hers is deceased and mine caused such grieve during a decade long divorce process he fractured my family to a point very few talk to one another. It has just been my understandably overprotective mother, brother, and a few of my mother’s older extended family for a good part of my life now, with old wounds only starting to heal among other family members. Honestly I suppose I have been more and more grumpy and disapproving of my home life for quite some time prior to this. I have lied to them a little over little things (like which store I am working at on a given day since they hate certain things more, or would worry more) and as a result they don’t trust me now. (I just got my brother a week ago in a trap to see if he was spying on me and checking where I was at a given time). I work hard both as a bit of an escape from my dull home life (I feel I can’t go anywhere without getting 20 questions) and more importantly so that I will have more time to dedicate to a future family as I will have earned more upfront. I am future oriented. Their over-protection is somewhat understandable but really it should not be justified, especially at my age.
I don’t wish to drive further wedges in between what I have left of a family by being disobedient. We are largely the only support we have left for one another growing older now, and still stuck together under one roof. I have also overworked myself, as I said above, often running between 3+ jobs at a time to get to where I am now. Hence I am told phrases repeatedly denying approval for me to travel to the Philippines as it is “to dangerous” and “you have never met this women before.” “You work so hard you shouldn’t waste your money in the pursuit of this girl.” “Think about your career.” “Protect yourself she might be after your money, etc.” I have already suffered one very hard to swallow heartbreak a decade ago because of these “protective”, “good intention” seeking measures. My family didn’t want to see me in a relationship with someone with a physical disability that left her bound to a wheelchair cause: “You could never make it work.” and most hurtful: “that is not the life we want for you.” I am left to wonder if what I want for me means anything.
I won’t speak to much more of my failed love life, but I have a Chinese ex as well (my only other relationship) that I went out with for a year and lost to yet similar circumstances, and the fact that it wasn't a good match from the beginning, but we both were desperate to seek any kind of relationship experience having never had any at all growing up. Although I can make friends easily, I am more particular about choosing close friends (and lately have had little to no contact with them as they started families of their own years back), and I connect with very few people on more intimate/heartfelt levels. My lack of communicating doesn’t mean I don’t care. I just don’t value casual meaningless banter. My social skills towards finding and attaining significant others are practically non-existent which makes this all the more harder for me, and I am only growing older. Also I am in a rural area so my options are limited and my mother believes I can just go sit in a local pub, library, etc once a week and eventually find someone.
I am sick of the sheltering, and yet don’t wish the shame of hurting my parent and only brother to pursue a love interest ie: having to choose between my best chance of a future family relationship or the loving family that raised me (their intentions aside). I guess it is hard for someone with a 45 year teaching career in elementary to see her sons as anything but her children for life. That is not to say I haven’t made cracks in the armour. I pulled a lot of strings to get leverage for those family trips to the USA, although that didn’t pan out with J., so we didn’t go. The clock keeps on ticking and I feel bad for what part I play in having my girlfriend hold out on hope for years of her life and spend her savings on attempts to get together. (She has been trying to travel a lot (10+ countries now) and buy an apartment rather than rent to meet visa conditions.) We know it will take years before we can completely do so. Both our families demand no less.
Although it is also a vacation, which honestly even my previous travel experiences weren’t. I worked in China teaching to prove I could and also took classes there on three separate trips. Mother says I need a vacation or some time off, but that travel will tire me out. That is just sounding like contradiction. I should get out of the house but not go anywhere. I don’t go anywhere. I barely go anywhere other than work, not even for groceries! I feel I need this, this meet up could help me a lot (not that I am trying to put my problems on my girlfriend to solve), but can’t be sure of what it will cost me in terms of family turmoil. (Worst of all what if they (family) are right? Their constant nagging has some effect of course.) In some respects it does seem like madness, but if I look at the flip side she (J.) has been willing to do exactly this for me for years, to come here, and spent a lot in the process thus far. 
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