Disapproving Parents

[MsGrim]

Hey everyone! Something has been weighing on my mind heavily lately and I just wanted to get some advice.

My SO's parents are Orthodox Christian and have very strong religious views. He's told me that they wouldn't approve of me (I have a child, tattoos, no law or doctorate degree, and my faith is no where near as strong as theirs) I took that for face value and shrugged it off. This was at the very beginning of the relationship so I didn't think that we would end up so serious and in love like this.

Although he is not in the same mindset as them and isn't serious about religion he said he wouldn't marry someone his parents didn't agree with, that he wouldn't jeopardize his relationship with his family. It hurt me a lot so we talked about it and agreed to cross that bridge when we came to it. I love him so much that I am willing to leave the "what ifs" hanging around just. He's a med student and doesn't want to tell his parents about me until he is closer to completion (a few years at least). I am absolutely terrified to invest so much time in him only to be hurt 4-5 years into the relationship because his parents cannot be open minded.

I asked him one day if he would consider telling his parents a little sooner and he disagreed. His words "you are willing to risk everything we have, willing to throw it all away just to have a definitive yes/no." I have never been in this position, so of course I turn to the internet to get some insight from people who have dealt with this. He's a reasonable person with some good common sense and I want to talk to him about this but I feel like bringing it up again will do more bad than good.

We have always been open and honest but this is something that I am scared to talk about- it just hurts and I know I'm not going to like his response. "99.9% chances are they are not going to be happy, they once mentioned an arranged marriage for me" I was okay with this for a while but I find thoughts of the future creeping in.. vacations, where we would live, marriage, kids, life in general. These thoughts are getting harder and harder to push out of my mind.

I am at a stand still, I don't know what to do. Breaking it off now will hurt like hell but it'll be worse years down the road; but at the same time I can't even bring myself to THINK about leaving him. I would NEVER ask him to chose me over his family.

Someone help me! What have your experiences been? I know I should talk to him about this, but when is a good time?

[xxcazaxx]

Have to be blunt and say that personally I think that it is really selfish of him to basically leave you hanging for several years. As you said imagine if 4/5 years down the line he then calls it off because his parents aren't happy with the situation.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I can certainly see both sides of this.
I would definitely want to know where I stood with his parents. If they may one day be in laws or even grandparents, you want to have as good a relationship with them as you can. That is perfectly natural and understandable.

At the same time, I can imagine how stressed and scared he also feels about revealing you to them. A lot of the time, we worry about things so much that we blow them out of all realistic proportion. I think the vast majority of us hate the thought of letting down our parents, of them being disappointed in us. I am still like that in my 30s, and yet my mother is a lovely accepting person.

You say that his parents have mentioned an arranged marriage for him. But it's worth remembering that they didn't follow through on that. They will have a lot of expectations on him, and a desire for him to do well in life. That will include marrying well.
That is not to say that they will dismiss you out of hand without knowing anything about you as an individual. If they do, would you really want to be a part of that kind of environment?

I really hate these situations myself, because I always feel like a relationship should be about the couple, not about the family, friends and colleagues as well. But sadly, a lot of times things are pulled apart because of disapproval of outside parties, rather than of the two people who are the most important in the equation-the couple themselves.

Putting things into a balance sheet for a moment, you say your faith is not as strong as theirs. But you do have faith, which will make a difference to them. If you are both of the same faith, could the two of you work on it together? Readings or joint prayers perhaps? If it is something the two of you have in common, it is worth working on together. That is my opinion anyway.
You mention education too. You could go on to study in the future, if that was something you wanted. It doesn't have to be what they would expect of him. But by showing you can or are willing to consider further study may also make a difference.

It is not about you becoming the ideal image they have in their head for their son. He is an adult, who will make up his own mind either way. So far, he has made it. He is with you, despite believing his parents wouldn't approve. Surely, if he later says you have been together for a number of years, they would feel deceived by him? But it would also demonstrate to them how dedicated to one another you both are to have endured so much under difficult circumstances together.

Just some things to think about. All is not yet lost.

[MsGrim]

I wouldn’t call it selfish, he is in no way selfish. We had many serious conversations about this and I have, on multiple occasions, agreed to the future obstacles. Call me crazy but even knowing the chances for us, I would still like to continue what him and I have.

We have not really talked on religion, it’s not something that we find to be an important aspect of our relationship or our future. I am registered for classes next month but I will not have a huge degree like he will. I know that doesn’t bother him, we’ve also talked about that as well as far as finances go. We have the same general idea and agree on pretty much everything.

His parents are the most difficult thing we will have to overcome. I’ve just never dealt with this so I’m not sure what my expectations should be or how to go about pushing the subject.

[mcnab182]

He is selfish.
He's already said he wouldn't marry someone his parents didn't agree with and has told you that you fit that description

Yet he doesn't want to find out yet and want to keep you around until it suits him to tell his parents (which he is sure won't like you and thus will have to end the relationship) - yes, that is selfish.

Personally I wouldn't be able to handle it. If he's that convinced the parents won't like you and he will end the relationship if they don't, then I'd want to know now and I'd give my partner an ultimatum of "tell your parents or I'm leaving anyway".

If I'm brutally honest, if he liked you enough it wouldn't matter what his parents thought. I'd be asking if I wanted to be with someone that took his parents opinions over their own

[MsGrim]

You've given me a lot to think about, but I am not one to give ultimatums. I will talk to him and see if his mindset has changes and we can go from there. Thank you!

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I would keep in mind that he has a plan that he will tell them. If he expects them to disapprove, why would he say anything at all?

For what it's worth, my guy is a chronic worrier. He mentioned me to his mum, who believed we were just friends. He took me to meet her when I visited him, and when I came home I proposed to him and he accepted. We didn't publicly announce to anyone for the first week, and his family and friends didn't know anything about it for 3 months!
I eventually broke the silence by making a public post which I tagged him in. After that, his mum requested me as a friend, which made me incredibly anxious that I just left it for a few days until I talked with my SO about it. After he assured me that she wouldn't message me, I was content enough.

He didn't say anything because he was worried about everyone else's opinions and responses, mainly that of his family. Yet when it came out, him and his mum talked about it and he told her our plan. She hasn't told him not to bother or caused us any issues. In fact, we are meant to be going to hers for Christmas day. His sister may come down too, which makes me even more nervous! I still haven't met his dad, and I don't know how to navigate all this social family meeting stuff.

Good luck to you both. LDR are hard enough, without extra stresses and disapproval from others.

[MsGrim]

I don't know his parents at all and can only go off what he is telling me. He seems to be one to over think and worry too much, I can see that when his exams are near so I'm hoping his outlook on the situation is somewhat of the same reaction. I totally get where he is coming from.. not wanting to tell them until a later time. He said his dad wouldn't react positively because he needs to be more concerned with his studies rather than a relationship- I get that too.

We are both in our late 20s so its not like this is some situation where we are kids, BUT I do know that I seek my mom's approval over anything and he will need the same from his parents. Personally, I wouldn't choose a life partner just because it is of my parents liking but I come from a different background and was not raised in the same environment as he was.

Its a tough situation that I never wanted to find myself in. I think the only thing I can do from here is to just have a heart to heart with him the next time we visit. This is not something that I want to talk to him about via phone or messages.