Long Distance. How to get him back HELP

[hope123]

Hello everyone! Sorry for the long post, but I think the background is important to understand the full situation bear with me ❤️
I m glad I found this forum. Many people around me don't understand the pain I'm going through and the loneliness of a long distance breakup... So maybe someone on here understands and can help me through this difficult time?
My ex and I met during our studies abroad. I still live here, but he had to go back to his home country since he finished. Our relationship while living in the same town was magical, we connected on every level and both felt, like we were meant to be together, hence why we kept the relationship going despite the 3 hour-plane ride distance.

He was very committed, we were talking daily, multiple times. I visited him twice during our 8 months apart and I met his family and friends, who were all supportive.
Life hit me though. Many will say "you didn't truly love him then, and i HATE hearing this... I worked two jobs, studied, and had to figure out what I wanna do after my studies (finishing in a few months). He had applied for a job here, which he got. But the joy was short-lived, since he was running out of time for his paperwork and couldn't find an apartment, which was essential for the paperwork to get a Visa. So he had to stay home and the future looked uncertain. None of us knew, what next. He was optimistic though and said it will all work out. I grew pessimistic, since there was nothing I could do to help. We had a few fights where he pushed for more time together. I resisted since I already felt a lot of pressure and had spent all my money traveling to visit him in the past. He asked me to visit, but I didn't. During that time it felt like it was too much.

As time passed I grew distant and he started chasing me and not taking care of himself at all healthwise, which made me even angrier. We fought about him clinging. I still loved him the whole time, but couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Then I broke up. He was very disappointed and devastated. We agreed though to stay in touch, since our feelings were still there. We kept talking like a couple for the next month. We talked about missing each other and then I actually felt confident to suggest I visit him and maybe work things out. During our last 2 weeks of contact he stopped initiating and despite telling me he missed me, was more distant.

He initially agreed for me to visit but was distant and we got into a fight were he told me how angry he still is for breaking up and not fighting for us. He told me I didn't respect him when I avoided him before the breakup and he gained a lot of weight because of me. He told me he never gave up on us and hopes we can have a future together, but for now he needs to be alone and work on himself again and regain his mental stability.

I cried and apologized. I told him I miss him and wherever I am, I think about him. I explained I was in a bad place. He said I chose to break his heart, and we both need to suffer the consequences now. He would only be able to have me back in his heart if we are in the same country and see each other again.

He has an important exam in a few weeks and he wants to apply for a university here where I live in this winter. We agreed that we need time apart to process our feelings.
During this time apart I have texted him twice about some news regarding his country. He replied and his messages were long. He shared his view on events and told me not to worry about him and his family. He thanked me for reaching out. He still watches everything I post and once also reacted to a story i uploaded.

I m currently in therapy, but I feel like the usual advice I get is to do stuff I enjoy and journal. I do those things but still feel there is a hole. I used to share everything with him and communication was effortless...

I m also scared this hope might break me. He kept saying like 10 times after our breakup, that we never know what the future will bring, and in the meantime we should do our best to improve.
The reason I have trouble giving up is that he didn't say it is definitely over and the situation is irreversible. He kept saying how we don't know what will happen and that the only way to get back together is when the distance is out of the equation, since he can't trust me to have enough energy to do long distance.

Has anyone gotten back with their long distance ex? Did you stay in touch during your time apart?? How long did it take to get back?
I usually move on fast and close doors completely. This time feels way different....

[vivid_idea]

Hi, I just wanted to reach out to you and say that I am sorry that you are going through this. It can be very very difficult.

I’ll tell you what I did when a (kinda) similar thing happened to me and my SO.

It sounds terrible, but I went through a break up because of my (now) SO. I was deeply unhappy in my relationship and was unable to face up to that fact, but when I became friends with my SO, he helped me to confront myself and my feelings. I had never done that before. Anyway, as you can imagine, the aftermath of my previous relationship was very stressful. It took a toll on my newly developing LDR.

At one point, I told him that I could not continue things with him. It was just too painful and difficult. It devastated him, and I felt that some fundamental trust got broken. He wouldn’t let me just go, however, and we remained in touch. Although things had changed. He withdrew and was less expressive. Things deteriorated more, and eventually we had a big argument over the phone and he stopped sending me messages altogether.

This is what happened to me, and what I did when he did this: instinctively, I felt like I wanted to ignore him back to protect my pride and ego. But then I realised that if I was to do that, then it would run counter to what I actually wanted. I knew that I wanted him and I did not want to lose him. I also knew that he felt that I had not shown him that I would fight for him, because I had been willing to walk away from the idea of us before. So, pushing my pride aside, I still sent him messages. I explained in my first message that I would try to send him a daily update on what I am doing because I still care about us, and want to build something. I made sure that I sent him anything fun and interesting and positive about my day. I asked him questions, even though I knew he would not respond. I sent him things I knew he would like: pictures of my life and me, jokes, articles he might find interesting etc. I even posted a couple things to him in the mail, as well.

He read all of my messages, but he barely responded. Occassionally he thanked me. That’s it. This went on for over a month. I felt disheartened at times, thinking that he must no longer care about me. But I had to remind myself that it wasn’t about me at the moment. That I had hurt him, deeply, and he had lost faith in me. Then I remembered how it was about making him feel safe with me.

Eventually, one day, he sent me a longer text and said that he appreciated all my nice messages and that he felt that he had been giving me a hard time, and he was sorry for that. But that he had felt lost. Slowly we started to rebuild things. It took time and patience. And I realised that I had to work on total honesty with him about how I feel. That I cannot say things are fine when really I am bottling up my feelings until they become damaging to us. It’s so important to talk through how you feel with each other.

So my advice to you is to be honest and vulnerable with him. Explain to him exactly what happened. Why you were scared and worried. Tell him how you feel about it. Show that you can be positive and fight alongside him. If that is what you truly want. Recovering intimacy when you are at a distance is no easy feat, especially when they have lost trust and faith in you. You will experience rejection from them, because they are hurting too. You need to really prove to him that he means as much to you as you say he does. Then, if he does care about you (which it sounds like he does), he will want to come back

I hope this helps you a little, good luck!

[hope123]

Hi, I just wanted to reach out to you and say that I am sorry that you are going through this. It can be very very difficult.

I’ll tell you what I did when a (kinda) similar thing happened to me and my SO.

It sounds terrible, but I went through a break up because of my (now) SO. I was deeply unhappy in my relationship and was unable to face up to that fact, but when I became friends with my SO, he helped me to confront myself and my feelings. I had never done that before. Anyway, as you can imagine, the aftermath of my previous relationship was very stressful. It took a toll on my newly developing LDR.

At one point, I told him that I could not continue things with him. It was just too painful and difficult. It devastated him, and I felt that some fundamental trust got broken. He wouldn’t let me just go, however, and we remained in touch. Although things had changed. He withdrew and was less expressive. Things deteriorated more, and eventually we had a big argument over the phone and he stopped sending me messages altogether.

This is what happened to me, and what I did when he did this: instinctively, I felt like I wanted to ignore him back to protect my pride and ego. But then I realised that if I was to do that, then it would run counter to what I actually wanted. I knew that I wanted him and I did not want to lose him. I also knew that he felt that I had not shown him that I would fight for him, because I had been willing to walk away from the idea of us before. So, pushing my pride aside, I still sent him messages. I explained in my first message that I would try to send him a daily update on what I am doing because I still care about us, and want to build something. I made sure that I sent him anything fun and interesting and positive about my day. I asked him questions, even though I knew he would not respond. I sent him things I knew he would like: pictures of my life and me, jokes, articles he might find interesting etc. I even posted a couple things to him in the mail, as well.

He read all of my messages, but he barely responded. Occassionally he thanked me. That’s it. This went on for over a month. I felt disheartened at times, thinking that he must no longer care about me. But I had to remind myself that it wasn’t about me at the moment. That I had hurt him, deeply, and he had lost faith in me. Then I remembered how it was about making him feel safe with me.

Eventually, one day, he sent me a longer text and said that he appreciated all my nice messages and that he felt that he had been giving me a hard time, and he was sorry for that. But that he had felt lost. Slowly we started to rebuild things. It took time and patience. And I realised that I had to work on total honesty with him about how I feel. That I cannot say things are fine when really I am bottling up my feelings until they become damaging to us. It’s so important to talk through how you feel with each other.

So my advice to you is to be honest and vulnerable with him. Explain to him exactly what happened. Why you were scared and worried. Tell him how you feel about it. Show that you can be positive and fight alongside him. If that is what you truly want. Recovering intimacy when you are at a distance is no easy feat, especially when they have lost trust and faith in you. You will experience rejection from them, because they are hurting too. You need to really prove to him that he means as much to you as you say he does. Then, if he does care about you (which it sounds like he does), he will want to come back

I hope this helps you a little, good luck!

Hey there Thank you for answering! Oh my! It really sounds soooo familiar! Very very similar situation! Yes, pride and ego on one side are there to protect but then again... they destroy so much! My worry is that I don't want to kill the attraction by constantly reaching out. I know the distance makes things harder and the only thing I got is this phone... I want him to get to a state, where he takes care of himself and is ready to accept me back.
You are right, our pride is too often in the way.
Did he tell you afterwards what he liked about your approach? Did he feel pressured?
Our breakup was 3 months ago and i feel like I ve made the biggest mistake.

[vivid_idea]

I know there is a lot of literature out there that says you should play it cool, not keep contact etc, to maintain attraction. However, that is very dependent on the situation. I think with building attraction it is important but it is very different when you have hurt someone who cares for you.

Yes he did tell me what he liked about my approach afterwards. He said that he saw that I wasn’t going to just give up and that he knew that I cared still. He suffers from some insecurities and would often times assume the worst. He said that he appreciated that I took all the weight for a while because he had felt very empty. I don’t think I ever made him feel pressured. I never begged him, or got upset. I just kept it really positive. Reminded him that I missed him and that he was in my thoughts etc.

3 months is a reasonable amount of time. What has the last bit of contact with him been like? I do think it’s great that you both want to sort things out for yourselves first, that’s great

[hope123]

I know there is a lot of literature out there that says you should play it cool, not keep contact etc, to maintain attraction. However, that is very dependent on the situation. I think with building attraction it is important but it is very different when you have hurt someone who cares for you.

Yes he did tell me what he liked about my approach afterwards. He said that he saw that I wasn’t going to just give up and that he knew that I cared still. He suffers from some insecurities and would often times assume the worst. He said that he appreciated that I took all the weight for a while because he had felt very empty. I don’t think I ever made him feel pressured. I never begged him, or got upset. I just kept it really positive. Reminded him that I missed him and that he was in my thoughts etc.

3 months is a reasonable amount of time. What has the last bit of contact with him been like? I do think it’s great that you both want to sort things out for yourselves first, that’s great

This gives me a good feeling! And that you used this approach instead of no contact is GREAT. I have been thinking why we play those mindgames in the end. I have realized that I need to work on my issues and that I still want him to be part of my life, since we had a stable relationship. He is on my mind every day and I feel positive when I think of him!
The last time we talked was two days ago when I got a bit worried about some news and his family. I contacted to let him know that I follow the news and that I am thinking about him and his family. He thanked me for reaching out and told me about the situation. I joked about something and he joked too. I left it at that.
I would like to send him a message to let him know, that whatever happened was due to my own problems and that my feelings for him are there. I want to tell him I take responsibility for it and that the distance has made me realise I need to work on myself. I don't want to beg or anything. Just let him know that I haven't forgotten about him. I wish he will make it and come here. We need to concentrate on other things right now, but if he wants to talk to me, I'm there.
He was really hurt when I ended our relationship and kept thinking why I gave up so easily. Truth is, I didn't know it back then, I needed this time away to figure it out
I'm happy it worked out for you, it shows that another approach can work too, depending on the situation! Of course everyone is different, but I think we tend to put everything into one category and assume we need to play games.

[hope123]

So i tried this approach, was open and honest. He responded, but I got the feeling he has no deep feelings left. Not romantically at least. He answered he is happy to hear from me and that he always tried to understand me, even when he was angry. He would be happy to stay in touch and once in a while send messages to each other. He always loved me and never hated me. He would be happy to keep me in his life.He sent me a picture of what he is up to, which by coincidence was pretty much the same as the picture I sent him.
So now I'm convinced he only sees me as a friend cause he said "I would be happy to keep you in my life". I feel the part that was meant is "as a friend".
Unfortunately he must have overthought things and gotten to the realisation we need to move on from each other. He is over me and wouldn't mind keeping in touch once in a while...
I'm sad about this, I kinda hoped he would be still interested in a romantic way.

[vivid_idea]

Oh, I’m sorry you are feeling this way? Did you ask him specifically what he wants? For example, didn’t you say that he will be moving closer to you to study? What, then?

[hope123]

Yes. He said he gave up thinking of a future together since that hurt him. He said he is over me. He also said he worked through all the hurt and is in a place where he is ok not being together anymore and it was a mistake keeping in touch with me after the breakup. He apologized for keeping the contact in a way a couple would after the breakup. He said he doesn't want to be hurt again by me and his defenses are up.
He cut the conversation there saying he needs to sleep cause it all got too much and he would contact today again.
So I guess if he says out blank that he is over his feelings, I should believe him. I'm just really disappointed he said those things, I thought a few months wouldn't have changed our bond. But I guess it was nit meant to be in the end....😢

[vivid_idea]

I’m so sorry it didn’t work out the way that you hoped. Now I probably would suggest giving him total distance from you. And see what he initiates in the future. Again, sorry this happened to you. It’s so hard *hugs*