Opinions needed please on online intimacy

[vivid_idea]

Apologies in advance because I am not posting in the adult section. I am unable to yet. I will try to keep this post fairly clean.

What I would like to find some understanding about is this: my situation with my SO is that we have been talking online for more than a year. During that time we have shared a lot, grown close with each other, shared a lot of affectionate comments: the miss yous and wish I was there and lots of kiss emojis etc. Fairly expressive in this way.

The trouble is, is that a few times I would try to be a little more intimate with my comments, hoping to provoke some kind of excitement in him. However, it never went all that well and he would usually say something along the lines of feeling that he cannot instantly be in the mood, and that he felt a little pressured, but that he does not want me to feel rejected by him. Anyway, it’s difficult to not feel rejected when you have, really, been rejected. So I have since backed off and we just keep it at affectionate statements. I also feel he has never been expressive of his desire towards me either.

This already troubles me, but it has become even more exacerbated now because a couple of months ago we met in person for the first time. He flew from the other side of the globe to meet me. What was surprising to me is how affectionate and close he was with me in person. And the intimacy was amazing. I was so pleasantly surprised because he had always been so reserved on the internet.

Anyway, he is home again now and we are back to the internet and... back to where we were! No talk of sex, no reflections on what we enjoyed in person, no sharing. The comments he sends are comments like: “I wish I was with you now” etc. Nothing more. I did once bring up how I feel a bit confused that we do not share in this way together and how it would be nice to feel closer, and that I missed being with him. He replied that he understood and he wanted to make clear that he does desire me but that I am “not just an object to him”. I had no idea how to take this comment and so I just let it go.

Also, I do know that he frequently watches porn. I didn’t have any issue with this at all. I think it is perfectly healthy. It lately I feel I have more issues with it because I feel completely excluded from experiencing and sharing pleasure with him. I am starting to resent that he shows no interest in exploring anything with me. After all, we have distance between us now, and our chemistry was great in real life. I have even started watching porn more myself, but it makes me feel lonely that I feel he has no desire to share any of this side of ourselves with each other.

I do know that he cares deeply for me. He says often that he misses me and would like to move to me and be with me. We both feel the same way, and are happy we found each other.

I just would like some advice on how to get closer to him. I know I should just talk to him about it. But I also want to do it properly. Times in the past I have tried to it feels that he gets quite defensive and the conversation ends badly.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?? Please help, I feel so frustrated about it!

[onlyemily]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! My experience is definitely not the same but I know when my SO tried to be more "intimate" with me on the phone, I hated it! I felt so awkward and uncomfortable and I didn't care to take things to that level over the phone, but in person it was completely different for me. Definitely communicate that to him, more of like maybe when you are feeling that way, let me know? Maybe try sending some seductive photos to catch his attention? I wish I had more advice to give! xx

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I get this from both sides. I am generally very reserved and rarely ever say anything suggestive to my guy, and he is the same with me. The few occasions he has tried, I admit I didn't respond well to it. I'm not sure what it is exactly that causes me issues with it. I just seem to have issues.

I think on his side part of the problem is from my previous reactions. He wants me to receive his comments well, which is fair enough. But he hates thinking he's upset me in anyway, so I think he figures it's safer to say nothing at all.
In most cases where I say something suggestive to him, he doesn't engage with it either, so I don't really know what advice to give here as we have the same issues!

[vivid_idea]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! My experience is definitely not the same but I know when my SO tried to be more "intimate" with me on the phone, I hated it! I felt so awkward and uncomfortable and I didn't care to take things to that level over the phone, but in person it was completely different for me. Definitely communicate that to him, more of like maybe when you are feeling that way, let me know? Maybe try sending some seductive photos to catch his attention? I wish I had more advice to give! xx

Thank you Emily. I, too, would feel a little awkward on the phone I think (I have never done anything like that before). I have sent him some nice photos and he did tell me that he looks at them and “enjoys” them. Sigh. I just wish I did not feel like there was this wall between us when it comes to this. It is even more disheartening that I know he has been like this with other girlfriends before me. It makes no sense to me! Maybe it is something that I am doing wrong.

[vivid_idea]

I get this from both sides. I am generally very reserved and rarely ever say anything suggestive to my guy, and he is the same with me. The few occasions he has tried, I admit I didn't respond well to it. I'm not sure what it is exactly that causes me issues with it. I just seem to have issues.

I think on his side part of the problem is from my previous reactions. He wants me to receive his comments well, which is fair enough. But he hates thinking he's upset me in anyway, so I think he figures it's safer to say nothing at all.
In most cases where I say something suggestive to him, he doesn't engage with it either, so I don't really know what advice to give here as we have the same issues!

Thank you Atlantic for sharing your experience. I relate to some things you said. A couple of times in the past I was a little more demanding. And I don’t think he was ready for it. Since then I have just completely retreated, because he should know he could engage with me based on my previous efforts. But he does not. Seems to be satisfied with occasional insinuation.

Do you think it is a big deal, or should I just try to get used to it? I hate feeling like I cannot make him desire me! Sorry, ranting over here! 😆

[onlyemily]

Honey NOOOOOO you aren't doing anything wrong! Don't place blame!! You're seeking out help and doing what you can! Things will get better!!

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Thank you Atlantic for sharing your experience. I relate to some things you said. A couple of times in the past I was a little more demanding. And I don’t think he was ready for it. Since then I have just completely retreated, because he should know he could engage with me based on my previous efforts. But he does not. Seems to be satisfied with occasional insinuation.

Do you think it is a big deal, or should I just try to get used to it? I hate feeling like I cannot make him desire me! Sorry, ranting over here! ��

I think it is just a lot harder for some people to feel comfortable with. That, and I think the physical distance creates a psychological distance between the couple as well. Though that part is my own thoughts, rather than anything backed by research.

Both me and my guy are very quiet shy people naturally, which I reckon is part of the problem.