HELP: Anxiety, Abandonment Issues & LDR

[PacificNorthWestGal]

Thank you for reading. I’m a first time poster.

I’m in a new relationship (3 months) with an amazing man. We live only 2 hours away but there is a ferry boat between us and due to schedules and children (I have on child who he hasn’t met) we typically see each other once a week on the weekend. We FaceTime every evening and text throughout the day.

I have been single since leaving a psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship five years ago. Since then I’ve been learning how to co-parent, I bought a house (yes!) and completed a masters degree. I am happy and confident in every aspect of my life. However, since dating it has become apparent that I have some serious anxious attachment issues. While our weekends together are amazing I feel blue, anxious, and mentally drained as soon as we return to our respective homes. My boyfriend is very understanding and attentive. I can talk to him about my issues and I feel he is empathetic and patient. Lately, however, I’ve been acting childish and self-sabotaging our steadily growing relationship. I feel uneasy about the distance and my gut is saying “run!” I am in therapy and am even considering hypnotherapy because I want to use this as an opportunity to develop healthy coping skills.

In the meantime, however, I’m wondering if anyone can give me some practical advice for dealing with irrational thoughts (“He’s losing interest. He will leave you. You’re not worthy of this love”) while respecting the fact that we have different lives. My boyfriend has said he would consider relocating in a “couple” years. This should have reassured me that we are on the same page, but instead it freaked me out. A few years of LDR at this age (I’m mid 30s, he’s 40) seems unreasonable and an Excruciating exercise for someone who has attachment issues and anxiety around men in general.

Any advice, tips, or ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[vivid_idea]

Hi there, welcome to the forum. I read your post and I feel like I could offer some words of encouragement because I feel that I have been in a similar situation to you (in regards to the issues you are facing) but I am further down the road and can share with you a bit of the impact these thoughts can have, and a bit of perspective on what’s at stake.

I have been in a LD situation for 14 months. I am also in my mid 30s and have children and I constantly questioned my ability to endure what it takes to do a LDR. Unfortunately for me, my anxiety and negativity was eventually too much. And I believe I have lost this man.

So, coming from a place of knowing how damaging repeated negative thoughts and approaches can be, I wish I had known truly what was at stake, before I sabotaged it.

I think the bottom line is this: it’s not easy to find someone special with whom we have a connection and bond with. If he is special to you then you need to rise above the challenges of the long distance. After all, it is the person who we love, not the convenience (or lack thereof)

I wish that I had spent more time telling my SO how dearly I appreciated him and I wish that I had just been loving and excited to talk to him whenever I could, and it would have made us so strong. Instead, I broke us down, and now must live with the regret of it.

If he truly loves you then he will fight to have you in his life. He will not entertain thoughts of leaving you.

I hope you can find some positive thoughts to hold onto that can fuel you. Or truly try to imagine not having him in your life. If it brings you pain to imagine that then I urge you to be positive! Because you can do this! And there is lots of support here if you ever need an understanding audience. All the best to you!

[autumn1790]

Another thought I had reading your post was that it might be helpful to think how this relationship would pan out if it was the guy next door. You might not feel the pressure to move together after three months. People usually take things slow and spend a lot of time truly getting to know each other before making a big commitment. The pain of separation can make emotions feel so much stronger, but try to make yourself focus on building a strong relationship for the present instead of hypothesizing about all the potential outcomes for the future. This probably doesn't help you at all, but I wish you the best!

[PacificNorthWestGal]

Thank you so much for both of your replies. I really appreciate the time you took to read and respond. I’m so sorry your outcome was not as positive as you were hoping for. I definitely think he is a great match for me. It is early days and I need to remember that the universe is providing exactly what I need. I’m hopeful some therapy, relaxation, yoga, and generally being busy can help me relax a bit.

The other component that is messing me up is that he has told me his MO is to always have one foot out the door. I can’t help but feel like a LDR is his “own foot”. He says I am different. I would like to trust him at his word and put his dating history behind us.

[TaraMarie]

The only thing you can do is take him at his word. I have been where you are. And now I'm happily married to the love of my life. He had more faith in us that I did and sometimes I sabotage the relationship. Thank God he persevered. It took years, but it worked. If you really want it, you'll get it. Your feelings are normal. At least in my opinion