How do I stop missing him so much?

[ChilliPeppa]

Hello and thanks for having me. My brief history... back in May I reconnected with an old flame, in fact he was my first boyfriend when we were teenagers, he was also my first sexual encounter. We never really broke up, just drifted apart as we left school and pursued different interests. Since then I've been married twice but single by choice for the last 20 years and he has been married once and in a long term relationship that ended 5 years ago although he remains good friends with her. I was also good friends with his sister and was interested in getting back in touch with her but only found contact details for him and so sent him an email, he responded immediately and we have messaged and talked almost daily since. The first problem is that he lives on a boat 1000 miles away so distance is a problem although we have met up twice in person since we reconnected in May. The second problem is that I have fallen in love with him quite quickly and unexpectedly, I'm not sure if it's residual first love feelings or feelings from the present. He knows this, yes I told him as I wear my heart on my sleeve but I know he doesn't have these same feelings for me yet but he does talk about the possibility of being together long term although neither of us are ready for this yet. The third problem is my own insecurities and anxieties which I never knew I had. I trust him, he has not given me any cause not to but if I don't hear from him a few times a day I panic that he has changed his mind about me and is no longer interested, I wait for the message or call to tell me he has found someone else although he assures me my feelings are unfounded. Because of these feelings I am continually sabotaging the relationship by pushing him away with accusations and ultimatums and yet through all this he is still there, he doesn't get angry at me, he just lets it go. So I guess what I would like to hear from anyone who has suffered these feelings how you deal with them? How do I stop checking my phone to see if he has messaged? How do I stop being paranoid when he says he will text or call but gets distracted and doesn't do it? How do I deal with missing him and wanting to be with him? Thanks in advance for any advice you can give

[vivid_idea]

Hi, and welcome

Just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone. I also felt a few parallels to my situation when reading your message. I’ll try to offer some advice.

I am also in the situation where I told my SO that I loved him and he did not tell me that he loved me too. So I know when that happens it can become a breeding ground for other insecurities to grow. I think it helps to really appreciate and understand that we are all different in how we approach emotional situations. You and I wear out hearts on our sleeves. But not everyone feels comfortable to do this.

I think as we get older, and have a few disappointments under our belt (I have two kids and a long ex relationship, my SO has had some tough relationships, too) it gets harder to open up and trust. We are marked by what has happened to us in the past. I think it can make an LDR even more difficult, because we have to navigate around all these fragilities. Maybe your SO has been hurt in the past and it makes it more difficult for him to be expressive with you.

In terms of your anxieties and insecurities, I think we all struggle with this at times. I know I definitely have and I have been guilty of creating the pull/push affect. Not very healthy for any relationship, particular a LDR because there are already other challenges to face.

Firstly, don’t take for granted the fact that he is going through all this turmoil with you. It does take an emotional toll after a while, and will only weaken your relationship eventually, thus perpetuating your insecurities. It is a really really positive sign that he can deal with this with you and chooses to support you through it. You have to find ways to stay positive!!! I’ll try to help with a few suggestions

Firstly, you still have to focus on your own life. There is no other way. From what I gather, long distance only will succeed if you both know how to pursue interests outside of your relationship. If you can go out with friends sometimes, or pursue a hobby then you will not need to be at your phone all the time. If you really struggle with this then go to your local library and find some books on self improvement. It will not only benefit you, but it’ll also benefit your relationship.

Try setting up some date times when you can catch up. Perhaps even talk about your expectations on how often you want to talk to him and negotiate with him. Allow him to express his needs too. Try to set some guidelines for when you can catch up. That way you will know when to expect to talk to him. Ask him to write to you about his days sometimes, even if it just once a week at first. Just so you feel that you know what is going on.

Missing someone is really hard. It can break you up inside and eat away at your relationship until there isn’t much left. Again, just try to be positive. When you miss him remind yourself that you are lucky to have found this connection with him again. Remember that the distance is something that can be managed if you work on building your relationship as being positive and fun for you both.

Oh and make a date for when you will next see each other. Having something nice to look forward to helps a lot!!!

Best of luck to you, and know that you can always find support here

[kate04]

Same same same
I invent situations until I almost believe them! I’m honestly not crazy.
I think communication is the key as is time. Time allows trust to grow. Communication is vital.
If you find a magic solution that works within a day though, pls let me know!
I’m following this with interest as I do the same (I like to feel I’ve become more measured.... hopefully)

[ChilliPeppa]

Thank you both for making contact, it is always nice to know you are not the alone in your feelings and that others are experiencing the same fears and doubts. It makes me feel a little less abnormal in how I am responding to things. One thing I have learnt is to write what I want to say elsewhere and then go back to it later, if it is negative I tend to delete it. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I do send it but the amount I have deleted that would be totally unfounded is growing. Best of luck with your futures and I look forward to any other advise people have to offer

[Atlantic Crossroads]

One thing I have learnt is to write what I want to say elsewhere and then go back to it later, if it is negative I tend to delete it. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I do send it but the amount I have deleted that would be totally unfounded is growing.

I did that in the earlier days, when I was too anxious to talk to him about certain things, but I couldn't get them out of my head. I typed them up somewhere and saved them, then copied and pasted them to him when I was feeling more brave. I have gotten to a point now where I don't have to do that anymore, because I know whatever I talk to him about, he's ok with. He usually talks them through with me, and puts my mind at ease.

I am struggling with trying to carve out my own life that doesn't require him, cos I find it really hard...and I don't want to.

I want to focus on building our relationship together, but that's very difficult when you can't be there in person.
My man is being distant lately too, as he's struggling with depression and is busy dealing with family stuff. I take it personally, which doesn't help us at all.
I'm very sensitive to anything I perceive as rejection. I am doing therapy, but as I don't have any friends or family to lean on, he gets the brunt of everything going through my mind.

I could probably write a guide on how not to conduct a LDR!