Hypothetical Question

[vivid_idea]

This question surfaced in my mind after hearing that my SO goes out to lunch with an attractive friend. It got me thinking and wondering what I would do if my SO met someone else. There’s no doubt I would be deeply hurt, but I think deep down I would also be hoping/understanding and believing in his own pursuit of happiness. Bottom line is I care for him enough that I want him to be happy, whether that involves me or not. If he told me respectfully that he had met someone else and they got along well and she was nice, then I don’t think I would have any right to expect him to stay with me.

The way I feel about it at the moment is that LDR are hard, and they lack the kind of closeness and ease that we all deserve. Who am I to prevent my SO from the potential to find something easier. Or, in my case, with a roomie who even lives in the same apartment. I cannot compete with that kind of convenience.

Thoughts?

[autumn1790]

For the first couple years, I feel somewhat similarly and told my SO he was free to pursue anyone else. It would've been so much easier for him to find someone of his cultural and ethical background, both then and long term in the future. However, now that we have a firmly committed relationship and are able to meet in person every 4-6 weeks, finding someone else is out of the question. He always said he didn't care about the ease of finding a nearby replacement, that he wanted me above all else. If we were to break that commitment now, I think we both would be hugely devastated. There are still times I think how much easier our lives would be if we had relationships with people of our cultures and religious backgrounds, but I know even people that grew up in the same area have that challenge, and it's a challenge I'm willing to have.

[kate04]

I once had a similar conversation with my SO. He said if there was someone down the street that was like me (but an American version), he wouldn't be interested because it wouldn't be me.
Now, that's lovely to hear when you're in the 'thick of it', but if that actually did happen, then it got to the stage of him having feelings for someone else, then I wouldn't stop it. I'm no saint and I'd be beyond distraught, but at the same time who wouldn't want a relationship with someone you can meet up with whenever, even for a quick drink?
I hate being in an LDR. Sometimes it's easier than other times, but nobody would choose this surely?
At the same time I don't want anyone else.....
Not sure if I answered your question, but I think I'm trying to say I agree with you!

[vivid_idea]

Kate, where are you and where is your SO? How often do you see one another?

[kate04]

I'm in the UK, he's in the US.
We have never met, but are meeting for the first time early next year! By that time we'll have known each other almost a year.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

True love isn't about convenience. I get that humans have physical based wants, but if that is the reason to leave someone, then I don't believe it was really being in love.

Since knowing my man, I have realised the different between loving someone, and actively being in love. With other partners, I did love them, but it wasn't to the same depth and degree that I love my fiance.

LDRs are far from ideal of course, but it's about the connection you have with the other person, not how easy it is to be with them.

I will always endeavour to do my utmost to keep my guy happy, but I know I won't always succeed. He does the same for me.

We are devoted to one another, and the thought of breaking up is devastating to us both. We agree that our situation sucks, but even when things look their bleakest, we're there for one another and can't imagine anyone else being by our side.

[vivid_idea]

Oh that’s very exciting. Have you already arranged the trip? Who is flying to whom?

[kate04]

I’m going to him!
No date set yet because it depends on his job and a sport he’s involved with (sorry to be cryptic... I’m aware this is an open forum!) but we’re looking at early next year.
I’m almost afraid to be too excited in case real life doesn’t match up to all of this.. but I guess we’ll both know one way or another!!

[vivid_idea]

It’s nice to read your thoughts Atlantic. I honestly get what you say, I do. I mean, I wouldn’t be in a LDR if I didn’t get it. I do feel that the connection we forge over the distance is greater because of the distance. You have to put more effort in if you want it to work. And you have a lot more time to really get to know one another. But some critical info goes astray when thinking about practicals. Like, how compatible you are living together. Don’t you think?

[Atlantic Crossroads]

But surely that is what happens when you visit one another?

Me and my guy are very similar in our values and approaches in life. We're both very simple creatures, and we're both pretty introverted. We like the same style of music, we both dress for comfort rather than style. We'd both rather save money than spend it.

We exchanged a "living with me list" within the first 2 weeks of talking, which helped us see how compatible our living styles were too.

[vivid_idea]

Ohh Kate that is very exciting. I was exactly the same! Didn’t want to be too excited, almost expected the worst lol. Kinda fell in love with him as soon as my eyes met his at the airport though!

Being on the other side of having met each other (also after almost a year of talking), I would say that he was exactly as I expected him to be, but it was just all the more wonderful because he was real and close and I could see him and touch him. We spent 2.5 weeks together and met up in my home town. We both had to take a flight, but mine was significantly shorter

It really was amazing. But the aftermath was quite bad. I never really anticipated what it would feel like to advance to that level of “realness” so quickly. To have him for such a short time and then to feel like I was already losing him. I think I had always thought in the back of my mind, ‘oh I haven’t even met him yet. This can’t be real!’ so when we did meet and I knew it was serious, it created a lot of new angst in me that I have had to process. Expectations and pressure can surface easily, at least for me. I’ve had to learn to enjoy what we have, and keep a check on any negative thoughts. This attitude sure is helping me, and us.

Unfortunately, we still have no plan made for when we will next see each other. It’s such a long way (almost 14,500 kms) and flights are so expensive, sigh, but I really want to go to him next time and I know that it’ll be amazing when it does happen.

How long will you spend together? I hope you enjoy every minute!!!! It’s such an incredibly special thing to do with another!

Atlantic, what is a ‘living with me’ list? Sounds interesting How far apart are you and your SO?

[Atlantic Crossroads]

There were two components to the list.

On a personal front, it covered all sorts from housework, how we organise our stuff, our storage space, our accommodation, and our schedules.

Other things we added were prices of things, local services, some laws, stuff about driving, even potential transportation of his cat.

It gave us both a better idea of each other as well as information about each others countries.

He's in the US, and I'm currently living in Ireland. Though I'm British, and will move back to England next year.

So, between 4000-5000 miles apart. The North Atlantic Ocean, really.