I don’t know where else to go

[vivid_idea]

Hello all, I don’t feel good about venting here but I really have no one in my life who understands what I am going through, and I would just love any support or advice from anyone who might have a clue what this feels like.

I’m not sure how much I have said before about my situation, but I am in a LDR that has been going on for 15 or so months. We have only met the once but we did manage to spend almost 3 weeks together, despite living on opposite sides of the planet. I am in love with him. I know I am. I wish I could be with him.

The problem is, is that firstly, I have a very messy life where I am. I came out of a long term relationship when me and my SO first met and it causes still ongoing drama. I also have two children with my ex. This is a constant strain on my new LDR. He wants me to work towards being with him but I find I am tied and trapped no matter where I turn. Nothing is easy, and it causes me so much stress that I can hardly bear it anymore.

Secondly, I don’t know if I am cut out for long distance. I am a pretty needy person and I can easily sabotage things because I don’t feel like my needs are being met. I know this sounds selfish so I try to be calm and enjoy the good and I try to be appreciative of what we do have. But, at the end of the day, I am miserable that we are so far apart and I don’t know how to get out of this rut.

I know it is very serious now because my SO has clearly stated that he is tired of me and the drama and that he can’t recall a single good week together in a long time. It’s true because I feel the same.

I can’t count how many times I have apologised only to have the same issues repeat and for us both to feel frustrated. I just can’t seem to do it right. The thought of apologising again makes me feel sick now because I do not want to give empty words. It makes me feel terrible about myself.

I feel that I have to say good bye to him just so we stop torturing each other. I know he is disappointed that I can’t just seem to relax and take things slow. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All my worst traits are coming to the boil: obsessiveness, insecurity, feelings of rejection and worthlessness. It’s really bad. We have a wonderful time together and, almost as a rule, I sabotage it by acting needy or feeling insecure. He honestly can’t take it anymore, and I know I am hurting him because I am hurting.

Even though I told him that I love him, he has never told me he loves me. I know it’s because he feels like he is walking in quicksand with me and everything could collapse at any moment. He feels neither calm nor safe with me. He says that we need to start fresh and go slowly, but I can’t seem to do it. So much water is already under the bridge, lots of mistakes and hardships we have been through. I feel kind of broken and I don’t know how to be positive anymore

God what should I do? I am no good at fixing this. In theory I know what it takes to have a good relationship. But long distance is just so damn hard. Is there any way that I can truly fix this, or am I just doomed to destroy anything that ever was good?

If it really comes to it, how do you say goodbye to someone you love when you feel that you never managed to create the opportunity for something really wonderful to grow.

[MsGrim]

I wanted to respond because I am in a rut myself with my relationship and hopefully I can give you a different perspective. So for starters, I have a child myself so I know the push and pull that takes place when it comes to the kids. The drama with your ex (I am not totally sure whats going on) can be put to rest by you. You have the power to put a stop to what ever is happening. It may take some time and a huge amount of effort but if you really want things to work with your SO then that is where you should start.

Next, try to calm your negative thoughts and actions... Prepare for them and avoid them. You are aware that they are happening which is good that you recognize that behavior because again, you can change that. Just take a deep breath and few minutes before you go keyboard smashing when responding to your SO if emotions are heightened... It worked for me yesterday and I was able to avoid possibly ruining everything with one message. Think about what you are wanting to say take a minute and ask yourself if that is really going to help the situation. LDRs absolutely suck, I know.. and being away from your SO constantly is a terrible thing! But you have already been doing this for 15 months? You are absolutely cut out for this!!

You said your SO wants you to try and be with him? To close the distance? No, that's not going to be easy but at least he wants that right? My SO and I have been together going on 8 months and we cannot plan for the future- we're just kind of going through the motions right now. There are a ton of things holding him back and I WISH I could wake up one day to a message saying hes ready to start planning. Be thankful that your SO is willing to have a future with you because that is a freakin' blessing!

It sounds like you have a lot to overcome but I know if you really want things to work out then you will do anything possible to salvage this relationship.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I can relate to this.
I actually messaged my man the other week saying that it would probably be for the best if I left him, so he could have a happy life with someone he could actually see. That isn't the first time I have said something like that to him either. I know what I'm doing as I'm doing it, and yet I seem powerless to stop myself.

In my case, I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I struggle with neediness too, because I am very intense. I feel rejected over silly things that aren't actual rejection, if that makes sense? Say I ask him for a call, and he says no and states his reasons-I take it personally that he doesn't want to see me.

I am doing Dialectical Behavioural Therapy at the moment, and it covers interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and mindfulness. There are many books online that cover it. My one is by Marsha Linehan, who created DBT. It might be worth buying a copy and having a read through some of the exercises. They may be of some help to you. They have helped me, although I still have work to do.

You may also find meditation apps useful when you are in the thick of your emotions, and feel overwhelmed. Sometimes just taking some time out to focus on your breath, or a cup of tea can be really useful.
Yoga is said to be beneficial for stress and balance too, so that may be worth a go.

Hopefully something I have said here will be of use to you, and I wish you luck.

[kate04]

I could have written your post myself my darling.
I find myself texting messages I know are short and snappish to provoke a reaction because I am feeling so rejected and needy.
As you know I have young children too and so does he (his are slightly older) but the whole time of year and the fact he's doing 'family' stuff even with ex in laws, drives my jealousy to the point of madness.
I have started yoga too and although I was sceptical that anything could calm my mind, it actually does work. I also find that typing out all my feelings helps and then deleting the email.
Apart from that, I'm sick of me being always the one the bring up meeting him (although he says he thinks of nothing else) but where's the action?! He's naturally cautious (too cautious for me???) and I'm not. Sometimes I think it's kinder to end it now. But I love him. He hasn't said that to me...
Not sure I've been any help. But you're not alone x

[vivid_idea]

Thanks so much for all your kind words of encouragement. It means a lot to know that there are other people in the world who face the same scenarios.

He has said he no longer wants to speak to me, and that he was starting to get panic attacks at just the thought of it. Too much drama he said 😔 He hasn’t read my final messages of acceptance, so I assume that it is all over now. I won’t bother him again. Sucks to put your heart and soul into something and for it to still break into pieces.

[MsGrim]

Thanks so much for all your kind words of encouragement. It means a lot to know that there are other people in the world who face the same scenarios.

He has said he no longer wants to speak to me, and that he was starting to get panic attacks at just the thought of it. Too much drama he said �� He hasn’t read my final messages of acceptance, so I assume that it is all over now. I won’t bother him again. Sucks to put your heart and soul into something and for it to still break into pieces.

I am so very sorry! I know how you are feeling as I am going through it somewhat right now and I know it hurts but just focus on being happy. I didn't want to hear that from anyone at first but I have really been trying to concentrate on myself and its been kind of working. Its going to take some time, I know, but you have to start somewhere. Best of luck to you and I am praying for you! <3

[vivid_idea]

I am so very sorry! I know how you are feeling as I am going through it somewhat right now and I know it hurts but just focus on being happy. I didn't want to hear that from anyone at first but I have really been trying to concentrate on myself and its been kind of working. Its going to take some time, I know, but you have to start somewhere. Best of luck to you and I am praying for you! <3

Thank you MsGrim. Keep us posted on how you are doing and if we can help. It’s not easy! I think focussing on ourselves is the right way to go.

I sent my SO an Xmas gift that has probably not arrived yet. I sent it when things were good and now I feel a bit uncomfortable that he will receive it after he wants nothing to do with me. I hope he does not just throw it in the bin. Although, I guess that has nothing to do with me 😭

[kate04]

Big hugs sweetheart. It's so, so hard and especially so at this time of the year.

[MsGrim]

Thank you!

I'm laugh crying because I gave my SO his gift (open when letters) when I was leaving for my last visit which ultimately lead into the position we are in now. I dont know if hes even read any since.. I asked and he said he hasn't because it hurts to even look at them, so who knows.

I very seriously doubt hes thrown your gift out, if anything hes opened it and loves it.