Colliding worlds... to an ending ;-(

[mathias1977]

Hi all,

I posted slightly over a year ago, about the challenges associated to our long distance relationship: Holly, 41, 2 kids (7 and 10), in Calgary; me Mathias, 42, 2 kids (18 & 16), in Toronto. I'm currently at the Calgary airport, devastated, and likely not returning to Calgary for a long time. This feels like the end, 2 years and almost 4 months after our journey started.... I need input.

We met on a plane, on May the 11th, 2015. Stayed in touch, supported each other through the demise of both our marriages. Got closer together after and started that LDR, with no expectations. We sheltered it from the outside, renting AirBnB's in the mountains, went hiking, met in NYC, lived a dream. Which it was... I was travelling to Calgary for work on a regular basis, I was staying at her place. Kids were with their dad (her ex), we were happy, simply happy.

Then we looked at getting closer, letting other get into our love bubble. Selected friends, family, and more recently, her kids. First meeting in November. Good kids, but fights braking up regularly between them, and an obvious different education model from the one I gave my children. They fight; I intervene, tell them one word: "behave"... she hears it, gets triggered. First fight, ever. She tells me how I should be their friend. Get to know them. Support them. Have fun with them. Not parent them.

Storm passes, we talk about seeing each other around Christmas. I book my flight, long trip, 19th of Dec to Jan 7th. 90% of this time with the kids present, in the same space. 5 days in a ski cabin with them, and her ex's father, great guy, whom she considers as her dad. I know this will be tough. A test really. I don't know what to get ready for....

I arrive. Magic kicks in. We spend 3 days on our own, with love, care, sex and all the great things we do when we see each other. Then Christmas dinner, and kids come around. Dinner is at her old house where her ex lives. He's here, with his new girlfriend, kids are there, in-law's are there, and the ex's brother and girlfriend's sister. I panic.... go upstairs and get totally overwhelmed by this loud place, the people, the ex, the kids. I break down in tears. She finds me upstairs, gets upset and just as I was telling her how I needed her help and support, asks me to "rise over the chaos"... and goes downstairs leaving me behind. Pain is atrocious, I feel left down. I pull myself together and make my way downstairs, trying to act normal. She's surrounded with her loved ones, I feel like a stranger. I just want to be with her. Alone. That was the preamble of what ensued.

Following days are stained with kids fighting, her 7 year old totally losing his marbles on her sister. Insults fly, yelling fills the space. I feel awkward, out of place. She feels it, gets triggered, taking it as an accusation or criticism of her education model. This also follows an incident on the 23rd, when her 10 yo daughter was literally yelling at her, losing her marbles too. She wants and creates a space for them to express themselves, with little to no boundaries. Her daughter is disrespectful, insolent, and she ultimately gets away with it. I spoke to Holly about this, and share my concerns around the impact of these fights on her mood, and our ability to connect as partners. She points out that is not my problem, and that I'm only asked to support her. I find it hard to be a bystander when the one you love is being treated so poorly by her own children.

The rest of the stay is a repeat. Fights break; I'm sometimes not even in the same space, but I hear slur language flying, doors slamming. She is tired. She feels how I feel, and pulls back, when I just want to get closer to her. She needs her space, I need her presence. We end up at the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Yesterday was the last occurrence. Son loses it again, calls her sister sh*tbrain and yells at her. Holly does the usual, asks him to go to his room. He kicks the door, and yells. I get tense. She feels it. Same cycle repeats again. I stay in the kitchen putting things away as we just returned from the ski cabin. She asks me to stop and go elsewhere... refusing my help. She's turning down my primary love language, "Acts of Service". I feel rejected, I go up and pack my things. I just can't deal with these situations anymore.

We speak later, while the kids are watching TV. We're both cross for different reasons. She is mad at me for making her feel untrusted, or incapable of educating her children or handling their fighting. She feels the weight of my ask for connecting, when most of her time is dedicated to her children. I voice the exact same pain on my end, due to our inability to connect physically or even be intimate. The kids fighting is tiring her out, and she just wants to sleep at night. She asks me to leave her house the next day, that space is needed, I'm devastated, she's mad at me.

I'm about to board my flight. I couldn't stay in Calgary until my actual flight, while knowing she was on her own, and that the only thing I wanted to do was to be with her.

I think our story is over. I will seek professional psychological assistance to address my fears, and love her from a place of truth, vs a place of fear. But I'm still not sure that I can be ok with the impact her kids are having on our ability to connect, as a couple.

Seeking advice or assistance... Anything helps. Thank you.
Mathias

[BunnyPuppy]

I am so sorry you are going through this, that sounds like a lot of hurt you are experiencing now. I wouldn't yet say that your relationship is completely over but what is required is an uninterrupted discussion between you two where you both go over the hurt, the concerns, everything that is on your mind concerning what happened during that trip and whether or not you both feel like you can move on from it together as a couple. I am not sure how much advice I can give you but I can at least address your concerns. I haven't read your last posts so I don't know if you actually struggle with crippling anxiety or fears, but based on this post I wouldn't yet say that you necessarily require psychological help (unless of course you feel like it can help you feel more at ease). Your reactions were normal to me though.

There are couple things that come to mind after reading your post. First, as someone who also easily gets overwhelmed and anxious in situations that are new and involve new people, I symphatize with you. In my opinion, her reaction, to ask you to "rise above the chaos" was the exact opposite what she should have done and kind of implies that either she does not know you very well at all, or that she was going through some stress herself. Regardless, person in a situation like that requires support from their partner, and the least she could have done was to at least stay with you a bit, or hug you, or show in any way that she understands your fears and anxiety, even she currently didn't have the time to give you more support. I would have felt devastated had my boyfriend done something like that. Furthermore, it would have been a wise idea for the two of you to speak about it afterwards, but based on your post there's been very few chances at a proper discussion. It is not too late however!

Considering that you were quite literally surrounded by strangers and in a new situation, one could have expected for her to be a bit more understanding and more supportive of you. I understand your need to be with her alone, and although completely separating yourself from others would have not been possible, she could have, with her presence, shown that you matter in the equation too.

Now, when it comes to someone else's children, and raising them, this is a sore spot for many. To me her way of raising her kids seems incredibly toxic and will no doubt lead to a lot of trouble later on in life (freedom to express oneself shouldn't equal freedom to insult others without consequences, and those children will suffer from it growing up). I am not saying that fighting is bad, shouting and non-violent fighting is a perfectly acceptable way to deal with frustrations but the key is then what comes after. There are ways to fight that are constructive, but tossing around insults, especially if there are never any apologies afterwards, are far from constructive.

So you are right to want to perhaps try and steer them into right direction, to behave better. However, this is where you are wrong. Because what I have noticed is that no matter how poorly you think someone's children are raised, you cannot get involved in the actual business of raising kids, not to mention try and advice someone on how to best raise kids, even if logically speaking your way is healthier and the parent is suffering as is. This is because even step-parents seem to be considered "an outsider" among the majority when it comes to such matters, they are basically on par with teachers. And some parents look down on teachers who try to teach their kids to behave better. And unless advice comes from someone who is considered to be more knowleadgable and hierarchically higher, (and not always even then), it is often received poorly, especially when habits have already been established (as in this case). So unfortunately, you cannot change the way the kids behave or the way your partner raises them because based on your story, she does not like it. And if that is a problem you can't get over, and it does seem like it has a huge impact on your relationship simply by having such a huge impact on her and her behavior, it may indeed be better to move on. She is their mother afterall and whether you like it or not, should you continue the relationship and perhaps move together one day, the kids will be involved in your life.

Now, I do think that she is somewhat overreacting by saying that because you get tense in situations where the kids are fighting or insulting their mother, you are not trusting her or her skills as a parent. It is a perfectly normal reaction to get tense when other people are fighting or mean to each other, especially when you are not involved. You are also not in the wrong for feeling the need to connect, however this is not always possible and that is something you should be prepared for. That there are times when you cannot connect with her, whether physically and emotionally. People react differently. It also seems that her way of arguing involves the need for space. And that may be where the problem lies. While that is a way to fight, I usually also remove myself momentarily from the fight to calm down by myself, it is not such a great thing when it happens in LDR, because in LDR, communication is the key and she has quite effectively shut down any of your attempts at communicating.

What I would suggest is, as I have mentioned, to contact her and have a discussion, without shouting and fights, where you can share your concerns concerning the way you felt during the trip and the way you feel like she is shutting you out completely although to you it is important that you can be there to support her. While mentioning the kids and that you feel like their behavior affects her wellbeing will likely be received poorly, you should do it because it is clearly an issue to you and affects the relationship. Might be wise not to start with that particular topic however, as you have already unsuccesfully discussed about it in the past. It is of course also important for you to listen to her concerns as well. Only way to figure anything out is to communicate.

Best of luck in the future, I hope things work out for you if that is what you want. I am sorry if my message isn't very helpful but know that you are not completely alone.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I didn't like the idea of spending Christmas with my fiance because of the thought of his mum, her husband, his sister, her husband, their 8 children, and a large dog for hours in a small house. I am not good with groups, but especially a partner's family en masse like that. It would stress me out and I'd find it overwhelming.

I would be fuming if I heard anyone insulting my man. A parent should never be treated that way, but the sad fact is that she allows it. That is her decision, and if it's going to change, she has to instigate that change. But I would be wondering where all this energy from the children originates from? It sounds like they either have been, or are still going through a rough time to me. I would hope that they are getting some support.

I am concerned that she would act so dismissive of your feelings though. If I found my man crying or sad, I would automatically hug him and ask what's wrong because I hate to see him hurting and would want to help.
Though I do wonder if this was a kind of "hat" that she wears for the holidays, when things are intensive like that? Like a lot of people have a different "hat" that they wear for work, so to speak, than they do at home. Though that obviously depends on her personality, which I can't possibly know.

My suggestion would be to write it out. That way you can establish the main points you want to address with her, and think of how best to phrase it when you talk.
I would also suggest maybe writing out the visit elsewhere, just to help get it out of your system, so you don't have to carry it around inside. I have done this with my anxieties in the past, and it made a positive difference, and helped me to communicate with my guy.

[mathias1977]

It's over

Thank you Bunny Puppy and Atlantic Crossroads.... but our story is over. ;-(

Over the past 2 days, I put a lot of things in writing, working on my personal issues on my whiteboard, and drafted a plan to regain control of my feelings, emotions, and feel safer in my life and our relationship. I cried a lot, reached out for friends, got my first session of counseling today. I posted to FB and IG for support, and also to show her (she is on IG) that I was taking steps to heal and become a better person. I compared my challenges as a mountain I had to climb, hoping to find myself and her on the other side. She saw it and took it the opposite way.... my posts made her even angrier because she felt I made it all about myself and didn't have the courage to acknowledge the pain I left her with in the wake of our separation, when I left her house. She called me tonight, we had a discussion, her mind was made: she could not longer hold the space for me, and announced me she was breaking up, to protect herself. She said I was on a long journey to love myself, and that it will take time. She said I should do it for me, not for her, and that she wasn't a prize to be won after this quest.... That this was a life-long approach to myself.

I'm devastated.... but at the same time, I feel an inexplicable sense of relief. Our relationship started in the simplest ways, but lately, it felt complicated, tumultuous, unbalanced. I have my share of responsibility, no question about that. I unleashed emotionally on her, explaining how I felt on Christmas night. I explained how hurt I was not getting the attention I was craving while we were together. I certainly need to work on this, and feel more balanced, but that was enough to "bring her to her knees emotionally", feeling no longer safe, understood, supported. I was destroying the life she built for herself, to feel good and balanced. I screwed it all up.

I'll let the mourning time commence. My journey continues... Sigh.

Mathias

[Redheart14]

All the best. Keep working on yourself I wish you all the best.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I'm sorry to hear the Mattias, but maybe it is for the best in the end. You get to put yourself first and foremost to work through your own stuff and get back to a place where you feel like the best version of yourself now.

I know from personal experience what it is like to feel unbalanced in a relationship. My guy tests me sometimes, but it isn't deliberate. That's just how it goes when you grow together with someone.

Good luck, and enjoy getting to know yourself again.

[BunnyPuppy]

I am sorry that it ended. As you said, it may indeed be for the better. Just, don't take all of the blame (it is not simply your fault and you weren't the only one who definitely screwed up), and remember to give yourself time to heal and become whole again. Good luck on your journey, may it help you be more at ease with yourself and grow stronger emotionally and as a person.

[Michelle]

I’m so sorry Mathias. Just reading through your first post I could feel how stressed you were. I wish you the very best moving forward.

[mathias1977]

Moving on and growing

Thank you for your concerns Michelle. So far today, no tears, which is a first for the past 2+ weeks. I am doing a lot of research and soul searching on my part, and found a number of inspiring posts on Instagram, and videos on YouTube. I have a few good friends who I also reached out for who provided me with some feedback on my situation, which is helpful.

There is clearly some work to do on my end, to change behaviors, work on my past and build self-love and self-confidence. I put my happiness in the hands of my partner, looking for validation, care and love, when it really should have started with myself. I put my center in her, adding pressure to the relationship, and making her responsible for not meeting expectations that I should have met myself. She was much more mature emotionally, she knew all this already from year of personal work and therapy. I didn't, and shook her very foundation to the core. I regret this and all the pain I caused her...

Her last communication by email was that she needed space. I've been respecting this ask while working on myself at the same time to be ready for her may she things there is still a future in us, or for a future partner. I'm sad and devastated that it only took about 2 months for the relationship to collapse, when she asked me to go through therapy and start that personal work a while back already. It took that shock and break-up to make me realize this... at the cost of possibly losing her.

It will take time for her to heal, and for my personal healing too. I hurt her, and I feel horrible about it... We had the best moments together over the first 2 years of our relationship, she was a fit, a match made in heaven... until I let my fears creep in. There is a part of me which thinks that this relationship would have been difficult to maintain anyways, but my other irrational part would say that she was worth every effort. I still love her, I want her back but I need to focus on myself at the moment to be ready for the moment she reconnects. It's torture, but it just needs to happen.

Thank you all for your support. If you have suggestions or recommendations, don't hesitate. It's been hard, no doubt about it... but I'm manifesting to the Universe how much I love her and would like her to be part of my life again... I trust this process, regardless of its outcome.

Mathias

[Blanket]

Gosh...I could feel your pain while reading your post. I could feel that you're tired, devastated, and hurt. I just want to give you a hug and maybe ice cream and chocolates if you're into sweets. Breakups are never easy. And it doesn't get easier as we age.

What works for me might not work on you. But every time a relationship has ended for me, be it with friends or an s/o, I relive the happy moments over and over again and say to myself how lucky I have been to have experienced those wonderful memories. But that's the only thing they're going to be from now on..memories. I tell myself I'll be able to experience those moments again just not with the same person. From there comes acceptance. It's a slow process that involves a lot of crying, but it's effective for me.

Your post also made me realize something. My boyfriend hasn't met my entire family yet and this made me think of ways that I could do to help him be more comfortable and not so overwhelmed should he meet with them. We're having problems right now so I'm not sure if he's ever going to meet them.

I wish you all the best in your journey for healing, Mathias.

[love_is_strong]

I’m so sorry to hear that I wish you the very best moving forward.