SOMEHOW I CAN'T MAKE A MAN OUT OF HIM

[Blanket]

Hi, I'm Blanket. And this is going to be a very long post.
I'm from Southeast Asia and I'm 29 years old.
I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for three years now.

My boyfriend and I first started talking to each other over a common website.
We started out as friends and went on to flirting, then dating..and eventually it led to a serious relationship.
I'm not really comfortable sharing intimate details like these because I'm shy about it but good thing we're on the internet where we can be whoever we want to be!

Anyways..I like my boyfriend because he's nice, he doesn't curse, he has no vices, and he's really polite and sweet. He's basically THE stereotypical nice guy you see in movies. (glasses and all) He's about 4 years younger than I am and he lives in Australia. I am not his first girlfriend but he says I'm the first serious one.
He came to visit me a year into our relationship and...hmm there were good times and definitely there were also bad times; but we've become more comfortable with each other as we spent more time together.

We were both still figuring out our lives when we started seeing each other. He has a high school degree, he was working at a fast food restaurant, and living with his mom. Meanwhile I was taking up my master's degree, I was jobless, I was living alone with the financial support of my father. So basically both of us were just living one day at a time with no goals, or direction whatsoever.

A lot has changed since then. He is now studying to get a diploma in IT so that he'll have better job opportunities in the future, and I have been working in the medical field gaining experience for better job opportunities abroad.

Let me just insert a side not here: I love my country, I love living here: I love the people, the landscapes, the beaches..everything! But in order for my s/o and I to have a future together, I am willing to leave my home behind and take the necessary steps to be able move to a different country with him.

We have talked about our future together countless of times already. We've talked about moving in together, seeing the world together, getting engaged, getting married, getting a house, and eventually having kids.

He has visited me a lot of times. He has met with my sister and some of my friends and I have always been keen on him meeting my parents.
The perfect opportunity has finally arrived for it to happen. I have a sibling who is an Australian citizen and we're planning on visiting them sometime this year. I told him about this and so he has agreed on meeting with my family. I also told him that I would love to meet his family and friends. I'd go with him for a couple of days and spend time there to get to know the people in his life.

This is where it starts to get crazy. He's scared of introducing me to his family and friends.
You know that stereotype where people see women from ASIA who are in a relationship with white people and think that she's taking advantage of him and his money? That's what he's afraid of. He's afraid of being judged. He's afraid his family and friends would think he's been spending all of his money on me. Like basically buying a gf from ASIA.

Which is where I got really hurt. All the time we've spent together; all the travels, the food, accommodation..WE'VE SPLIT IN HALF. Yes, even when I was just relying on my allowance and savings, I'd always split the bills with him. I've never asked him for money and never do I plan on doing so!

Now, I'm not invalidating his feelings. I know he's anxious and scared. It'll be his first time introducing someone to his family and friends. I also know that maybe he's just trying to protect his reputation. But WTH? He won't even stand up for me? For us? He'll be okay with his friends judging me and looking down on me? The girl whom he promised to spend his life with? He'll be okay with me being labeled as a gold digger? He won't even fight for me? For us? He's not even gonna try and do something about it? I thought he'd at least man up for me..for us. But I guess I was wrong.

I have never felt so insecure, so humiliated, so degraded, so unappreciated, so insulted, and so ashamed of myself my entire life. And so I sent a hurtful message to him in response. Somewhere along the lines of "What about I judge your friends?"..."Remind me again how many of them have achievements other than being born from a first world country?"

He hasn't replied to my messages since then.

He gets me. He's very accepting of my flaws and weirdness. He's very patient about my whining, my dramas, my hardheadedness. But he's not perfect as well.
I accept his flaws, I encourage him, I try to boost his confidence whenever I can, I've never looked down on him, never judged his family and friends, and I always see to it that he feels welcomed whenever he visits me. I also did my part.

I am now contemplating on what to do. Do I fight for the boy and wait for him to be a man? Or do I move on and let go?
I'm afraid of losing him. I'm afraid I might not be able to meet anyone who gets me like he does. I'm afraid I might not be able to survive the hurt. I care about him so much. But at my age..at 29, God..I don't even know if I have the time to wait or start over again.

If you've read this far then I salute you. I just don't know who to turn to for this and I just wanna let it out.
Thank you so much for hearing me out. I'll gladly appreciate any replies from you guys.

[Redheart14]

Hi and welcome . Tough situation you’re in. Does his family even know about you at all? When he came and visited did they know he was coming to see you? I can understand why you feel so hurt. I guess it comes down to how are you going to allow yourself to be treated. Closing the distance is no easy feat, it will be a huge hurdle, one you both need to be 100% on board with. He needs to understand that telling his family about you is essential if you want to close the distance. Maybe it could be a slow introduction to his family and see how that goes. Are the two of you still talking or has all communication stopped?

[Michelle]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I would feel insulted and hurt too. When you love someone, you are proud to be with them, they are not a secret.

This is where it starts to get crazy. He's scared of introducing me to his family and friends.
You know that stereotype where people see women from ASIA who are in a relationship with white people and think that she's taking advantage of him and his money? That's what he's afraid of. He's afraid of being judged. He's afraid his family and friends would think he's been spending all of his money on me. Like basically buying a gf from ASIA.

Which is where I got really hurt. All the time we've spent together; all the travels, the food, accommodation..WE'VE SPLIT IN HALF. Yes, even when I was just relying on my allowance and savings, I'd always split the bills with him. I've never asked him for money and never do I plan on doing so!

I do know this stereotype. My mom was subjected to the same. She and my father met in the Philippines when my dad was in the US Navy. When my dad told everyone she was coming to the US and they were getting married (he was so so proud of her), my grandparents were unsupportive and said awful things about my mom. She wasn't using my dad for money, he was broke. And she wasn't using him to become a US citizen - she missed the Philippines and her family so much (I'm speaking in the past tense, because she passed away 10 years ago). But they were in love and wanted to be together. After awhile, my dad's family saw this and accepted her.

Maybe he knows his family will be unsupportive, so he has kept the relationship secret... but meeting his family is inevitable if he plans on closing the distance with you. You're 3 years into this and you absolutely need to know where this relationship is headed. Is this going to be a secret forever and he has no intention of actually closing the distance after all the talk of marriage and kids? Or will he finally tell his family about you so you can move toward with your future together? It's okay to be scared - but he has to stand up for you and his relationship with you. You sound like a very smart, financially stable, independent person - someone anyone would be proud to be with and introduce to their friends and family.

[Blanket]

Hi and welcome . Tough situation you’re in. Does his family even know about you at all? When he came and visited did they know he was coming to see you? I can understand why you feel so hurt. I guess it comes down to how are you going to allow yourself to be treated.

His mom knows I exist. He had to tell her about me whenever he comes over in case of emergencies.
His mom was really worried about him coming over. She's read about my country and was afraid I was going to take all of his money and leave him.
I told him I understand where his mom is coming from. She's a mom and if I were in her place I'd be worried as well. I also told him to not worry about it because I know I would eventually win her trust.

Closing the distance is no easy feat, it will be a huge hurdle, one you both need to be 100% on board with. He needs to understand that telling his family about you is essential if you want to close the distance.

That's what I keep telling him but he's been putting it off for far too long. I keep getting hurt whenever I bring it up because I could really tell that he's not comfortable about me meeting his family and friends.

Maybe it could be a slow introduction to his family and see how that goes. Are the two of you still talking or has all communication stopped?

That's what I did. Whenever we're talking and his mom is there I'd tell him "Please say Hi to your mom for me". And I got his mom a present. He was visiting me and I told him I want to give his mom a present. I wanted her to have a piece of our culture and she said she really liked it and I thought we'd be at least a bit closer after that. But you know what? His mom doesn't even know my name. I was scrolling through his phone and a message from his mom was there saying "Say Hi to **** for me" which wasn't even my name. </3
All communications have stopped. He didn't reply to my messages. It was hurtful but I don't want to be the one to comfort him anymore. To be the one to take care of his feelings while disregarding my own.

[Blanket]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I would feel insulted and hurt too. When you love someone, you are proud to be with them, you're not a secret.

I do know this stereotype. My mom was subjected to the same. She and my father met in the Philippines when my dad was in the US Navy. When my dad told everyone she was coming to the US and they were getting married (he was so so proud of her), my grandparents were unsupportive and said awful things about my mom. She wasn't using my dad for money, he was broke. And she wasn't using him to become a US citizen - she missed the Philippines and her family so much (I'm speaking in the past tense, because she passed away 10 years ago). But they were in love and wanted to be together. After awhile, my dad's family saw this and accepted her.

I'm sorry to hear that about your mom. I know it has been 10 years but my deepest condolences still.

My boyfriend isn't well off as well. With his current situation, he won't be able to afford to take me to Australia even if he wanted to. Not to brag or anything but my sibling in Australia has more money than my boyfriend and his mom combined. Which is why I am baffled as to why he can't even say stuff like "Nah, she doesn't need my money. She could be working abroad if she wanted to without my help." or "She's a professional and she's independent. She's not like the other girls. She'll never take advantage of me." I just want to feel like he's proud of me.

But your dad sounds like he really knew what he wanted and he went for it. My boyfriend doesn't have that kind of will. And your mom..it must've been really tough for her..she endured it all for love.

Maybe he knows his family will be unsupportive, so he has kept the relationship secret... but meeting his family is inevitable if he plans on closing the distance with you. You're 3 years into this and you absolutely need to know where this relationship is headed. Is this going to be a secret forever and he has no intention of actually closing the distance after all the talk of marriage and kids? Or will he finally tell his family about you so you can move toward with your future together? It's okay to be scared - but he has to stand up for you and his relationship with you.

We've already anticipated that there will be resistance from family and friends. But we were going to prove them wrong. Or that's what I thought. I was the only one putting in the effort. I don't remember him saying stuff like "We're already 3 years into the relationship. I think it's time our family and friends know about us."
We had a discussion one time about meeting his dad and his brother and he was so uncomfortable about it. He didn't say "no" but he didn't say "yes" either. And so I told him "So what's your plan then? When we get married we'd just surprise your family and friends? Or we don't invite them at all? And I'm never going to meet them ever?"

It's okay to be scared - but he has to stand up for you and his relationship with you. You sound like a very smart, financially stable, independent person - someone anyone would be proud to be with and introduce to their friends and family.

This made me tear up. Thank you..so much. You are so nice.
I've never thought so little of myself until now. He just makes me feel so insecure. I don't even know if he's aware of it. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

[kate04]

Hi!

One thing that stood out for me in your post was
I care about him so much. But at my age..at 29, God..I don't even know if I have the time to wait or start over again.


29 is no age. Please, please don't make the mistake of 'time is running out' and settling for something that doesn't feel right. I got married at 35 to a great man, who I knew wasn't for me (I love him still, just not how I should if that makes sense!) because I thought time was running out. Now I find myself kind of trapped until my kids are older and sometimes it's overwhelming (I found the right guy finally but we are both in the same emotional boat, separated by continents for goodness knows how much longer).

You are clearly clever, resourceful and talented. Please think carefully and examine your true emotions. Life is short. Be happy and make the right choice for you, based on your feelings not society's expectations.

Good luck.

[Blanket]

Hi!

One thing that stood out for me in your post was
I care about him so much. But at my age..at 29, God..I don't even know if I have the time to wait or start over again.


29 is no age. Please, please don't make the mistake of 'time is running out' and settling for something that doesn't feel right. I got married at 35 to a great man, who I knew wasn't for me (I love him still, just not how I should if that makes sense!) because I thought time was running out. Now I find myself kind of trapped until my kids are older and sometimes it's overwhelming (I found the right guy finally but we are both in the same emotional boat, separated by continents for goodness knows how much longer).

You are clearly clever, resourceful and talented. Please think carefully and examine your true emotions. Life is short. Be happy and make the right choice for you, based on your feelings not society's expectations.

Good luck.

What you're saying is that it's better to marry late than to marry wrongly. That does make sense.

I know what you mean..Is it love like you love him as a great human being? You love him as a father to your children? You love him as a companion, as a person? You just don't love him in a way that would make him your one true love?
I guess being a great guy doesn't always mean he's going to be the right guy.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I don't want to feel pressured by society, but I just can't help it especially when everyone around me is already starting a new chapter in their life and I'm here being left out. My boyfriend couldn't even get the courage to tell his family and friends about me. It just feels like I'm running out of time just because I'm a woman.




I have come to realize a lot of things since posting here. I really appreciate everyone's reply.

[love_is_strong]

tough situation would like to hear other comments

[vivid_idea]

Well my first impression of what you wrote is that it is not up to you to do the fighting. You quite clearly stated that you are willing to do what it takes in order for you both to be together, including moving to another country. Meanwhile, he is worried to introduce you into his life.

If I was you, I would be writing him an honest letter that states clearly how you feel about him and what you are willing to do to make your relationship work. Then I would tell him what you need from him, including his commitment to introducing you to his family. It will then be up to him whether he can show you through his actions that he is genuine about wanting to make this work with you. You have already been seeing him for 3 years, that is a long time. It means that you both are already invested. But after all this time, he should be able to tell you exactly where you stand with him. 29 is surely not too old to be able to find the love of your life. You have your whole life to do that. But life is definitely too short to waste time on something that will not ultimately give you what you want and need.

Have a talk with him. Try not to get mad. Just see if he can tell you where the relationship stands. I hope you can find some clarity, and can move forward.

Good luck!

[autumn1790]

My two cents: it's not up to you to "make a man" out of him. His actions/inactions are entirely his responsibility. Trying to change who he is will only result in friction. The only actions you can control are your own. It's up to you to decide if this is something you can accept or not, but it's not something within your control.
Also, in my very personal opinion, I don't think you should be degrading his masculinity because he has faults. It kind of shows a lack of respect, and I know it's hard to feel respect in a difficult situation, but respect is key to a couple feeling valued by each other.

I can highly relate to your situation. We've been together five years, and his family still doesn't know about me. It's not my ideal situation by a long shot, but it's out of my control and getting frustrated doesn't get me anywhere really.

Not to say we shouldn't encourage our partners to be their best--I do believe we should be behind our partners to motivate and encourage them to their potential. At the end of the day, however, it's on them what happens.

Hope this rambling makes sense. Best wishes to you!

[Blanket]

It's been almost a month and we haven't talked since. I did a lot of thinking and I've also considered the things pointed out in your replies.
There are times when I'm really missing him and all I could do was look at our pictures together. Even then while remembering our happiest times, I'm still unable to discard the thought that he's ashamed of introducing me to his family and friends. And it hurts a lot.

This may sound cliche but I can really be myself around him. I am comfortable of letting him see the different sides of me: the vulnerable me, the angry me, the annoyed me, the bratty me, the ugly me, the happy me, the weird me..all of me. He gets me, he accepted me, and I appreciate it.

But I've decided to end the relationship.

I deserve better than to be someone's secret.
I refuse to be with someone who is unwilling to exert effort into getting to know the people I love and the people who are important to me.
I refuse to be with someone who is just going to sit around and watch while people judge and make fun of the person they claim to care about deeply.
I refuse to be with someone who wants the relationship but doesn't want the commitment and responsibilities that comes with it.
I refuse to be in a tiny online bubble with just two people in it.

I'm not gonna be afraid to start over.
I'm not gonna be scared that no one would ever want me.
I'm not gonna be anxious about being born from a third world country.
Not anymore, no.

So thank you so much, everyone.
I guess this site is no longer for me. I wish you all the best.

[Redheart14]

Best of luck to you!
With over a month of no contact I think it’s best to move on.
Put yourself first and look after you.