Lost Cause?

[EmeraldRaven]

This guy and I (I hesitate to call him my SO at the particular moment) have been talking for a bit and I really like him. We click so well. My problem at the moment is, he and I used to chat a lot, pretty regularly. Then after we talked on the phone he ghosted me. He came back a few weeks ago saying that he scared himself off with how strongly he felt for me. I feel he's sincere so I gave him a second chance.

He's a cop who works the graveyard shift and probably works overtime so lately our messages have been far and few between. When he does reply, it's only a few messages unless I catch him at a good time right before work. I want this to work, and he hasn't really done an LDR before so I'm trying to help him out with that too (though it's hard cuz we don't talk much).

Of course, when we first ventured into this we didn't set high expectations but I was thinking I'd hear from at least every other day or so.
I'm reaching out for help, because it's now been a week since he's said anything. It just doesn't feel like I'm on his mind as much as he's on mine despite his occasional "I miss you" messages.

Is it time to move on?

[Atlantic Crossroads]

If it's of any help, my SO can be patchy at messaging. He has untreated PTSD (no insurance), and helps out his parents. He gets overwhelmed easily, and ties himself in knots worrying about everything! I help where I can, but it's hard work. He's on another downswing now, and is taking time offline. There isn't much I can do, but he will usually tell me what's going on. Sometimes he just goes quiet, and I try to give him his space, but it does hurt and it has caused arguments.

I don't really have any advice, but you should know you're not alone.

[EmeraldRaven]

If it's of any help, my SO can be patchy at messaging. He has untreated PTSD (no insurance), and helps out his parents. He gets overwhelmed easily, and ties himself in knots worrying about everything! I help where I can, but it's hard work. He's on another downswing now, and is taking time offline. There isn't much I can do, but he will usually tell me what's going on. Sometimes he just goes quiet, and I try to give him his space, but it does hurt and it has caused arguments.

I don't really have any advice, but you should know you're not alone.

Thank you for the reassurance. He has been consistent in that he does reply at points. I'm not sure about PTSD but he was a Marine. Also being a cop in Chicago is probably more high stress than other jobs. I'm trying not to spam him with multiple messages but he's mentioned that he like reading about my day so 🤷🏻.

Perhaps I just have to get used to a new level of communication?

[kate04]

I can relate to that.

Last year my SO had a really flexible job, so messaging and talking was more or less constant.

Mid last year he changed jobs and communication has become a lot less frequent. We talk where we can (most days) but messaging can be patchy.

It was so hard at first and did cause arguments. I wondered whether he was losing interest and it upset me a fair bit.

He explained the structure of his day and I know his schedule, which is important to me. Today for example I know he'll be driving a lot so I won't hear much from him.

It is a new normal and getting used to it can be tough. I find that knowing what he's got on each day helps me. maybe that can work for you?

Best of luck

[MsGrim]

Hi, I am in the same position as well when it comes to the communication. My SO has started a new rotation and is working 12-16 hour days, sometimes a little longer. I felt this yesterday when I woke up and was just "meh" all day because we haven't been able to talk as much. I think he caught on almost immediately because he reassured me that he doesn't love me any less and started talking about planning the next visit (which has been really tough lately) and I didn't even have to ask him

I think your guy may just be busy.. either way, you should let him know how you are feeling and set some standards between the two of you. This way, you won't start feeling down when he doesn't get to talk much and maybe he can do a little more to put your mind at ease. It really only does take a few seconds to send a good morning/night message.

[EmeraldRaven]

Hi, I am in the same position as well when it comes to the communication. My SO has started a new rotation and is working 12-16 hour days, sometimes a little longer. I felt this yesterday when I woke up and was just "meh" all day because we haven't been able to talk as much. I think he caught on almost immediately because he reassured me that he doesn't love me any less and started talking about planning the next visit (which has been really tough lately) and I didn't even have to ask him

I think your guy may just be busy.. either way, you should let him know how you are feeling and set some standards between the two of you. This way, you won't start feeling down when he doesn't get to talk much and maybe he can do a little more to put your mind at ease. It really only does take a few seconds to send a good morning/night message.

Thank you for this. I just wrote out a little about how I'm feeling and sent it to him on the platforms we use to message. I'm off to internship now so I hope he replies. Unfortunately, now this will be in the back of my mind. (yay, anxiety *eye roll*) It's kind of hard to set expectations when I can't really get a hold of him haha. But yes, I have been thinking about it. I'm hoping we can have a talk this weekend but I don't know when his next day off is, he doesn't seem to answer when I ask him.

Also, yes to the "it really only takes a second to send a goodmorning/night text". I used to say good morning all the time and now I've stopped because he wasn't replying.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Thank you for this. I just wrote out a little about how I'm feeling and sent it to him on the platforms we use to message. I'm off to internship now so I hope he replies. Unfortunately, now this will be in the back of my mind. (yay, anxiety *eye roll*) It's kind of hard to set expectations when I can't really get a hold of him haha. But yes, I have been thinking about it. I'm hoping we can have a talk this weekend but I don't know when his next day off is, he doesn't seem to answer when I ask him.

Also, yes to the "it really only takes a second to send a goodmorning/night text". I used to say good morning all the time and now I've stopped because he wasn't replying.

Same here. I used to always send a goodnight message, but I stopped because he's been lacking in consistent communication. The I love yous have dropped off from his side too, and so also from me. It's sad. Even emojis are a rarity now. But I think those are all signs that he's busy processing/working/whatever.

[MsGrim]

Also, yes to the "it really only takes a second to send a goodmorning/night text". I used to say good morning all the time and now I've stopped because he wasn't replying.

I am sorry you have to deal with that.. You as well Atlantic Crossroads. My SO is pretty good about responding, unless he is working, then it may be a few hours. I hope you can get this resolved with him and everything ends up okay.

[EmeraldRaven]

*UPDATE*
He still hasn't replied to me. I just heard Chicago and Illinois has been put under a state of emergency due to COVID-19. Part of me wants to just call him and see if he answers but I don't want to come off desperate or annoying. It's honestly driving me a bit mad at this point. I just don't know what to do...

[kate04]

I feel for you.

This is pretty crap. It takes a second to send a message.
A state of emergency doesn't render mobile phones unusable. In the UK there are almost as many cases of the coronavirus as there are in the US (in a much smaller space), but life is carrying on as normal, pretty much (unless you had plans to fly to Italy). It's certainly not stopping people from texting!

I'd be pretty mad in your case and would be tempted to send a final message telling him exactly how disrespected I feel then delete his number so I'm not tempted again.

I know just how difficult that can be though and you have my utmost sympathy.

Big hugs and I do hope it works out the way you want.

[MsGrim]

*UPDATE*
He still hasn't replied to me. I just heard Chicago and Illinois has been put under a state of emergency due to COVID-19. Part of me wants to just call him and see if he answers but I don't want to come off desperate or annoying. It's honestly driving me a bit mad at this point. I just don't know what to do...

I feel like he has taken a cowards way out and ghosted you. I just don't understand why people get into LDRs if this is how they plan to up and leave if they feel the need to. I'm sorry hun. As kate04 said, call him and give him one last piece of your mind if it'll make you feel better- leave a message if he doesn't answer!

[EmeraldRaven]

He is a police officer so he is probably considered essential personnel and they have him doing things to help with the panic. I'm tempted to message one last time but I also want to give him another chance....
I guess a part of me is hoping it's just the hysteria from the virus keeping him busy.

[EmeraldRaven]

Here's the sad part. He ghosted me before we decided to try an LDR. He came back saying he scared himself off because of how well we clicked.
I believed him, I had no reason not to. And here we are... If he comes back in a few weeks it's a pattern and I can't do that.

[MsGrim]

When is the very last time you have heard from him?

[EmeraldRaven]

Friday 2/28. He messaged at 12am, which I'm used to because he works graveyard.