Worried about recent change in LDR vibe

[Kimm]

Hi Everyone,

I have been with my LDR boyfriend only a few months. Our connection was instant, and we spent hours a day just talking about anything and everything.

The past month he had to travel for work, and our only form of contact was texting for the past 40 days or so. He did make the effort to message me daily, which I really loved and appreciated.

As soon as he arrived home a few days ago, I felt a shift. He had mentioned he would call me when we arrived home and instead of doing so, went out with friends and smoked weed. Yesterday again we planned to speak and spend some time together. He went out again and smoked, and when we go into a call he sounded completely disinterested and was barely saying anything. I'm assuming it was because he was high, and I was really hurt by it. I told him this morning I thought after not speaking for so long he would be a bit more excited to talk, and that I felt like he really wasn't present during the conversation, and he got very defensive about it. I actually ended up apologizing because I felt like maybe I was overthinking things and imagining it for a brief moment.

We had plans to spend some time together today and tomorrow, and suddenly his PC "is not working". Rather than trying to fix whatever is wrong with it, he decided to again go out with friends, and that was about 8 hours ago and I haven't head anything from him at all.

I don't know if I am reading into things too much, and I also don't want to make a big deal of things and come off as clingy. I genuinely feel a difference in how he is treating me and behaving in general, and it's really bothering me. There is a lot less sweet, affectionate banter back and forth, and I'm not sure how to respond to it.

If anyone has some advice or suggestions, I'd really appreciate it.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

If he's making plans with you, and then leaving you hanging, that's cruel and unfair. He needs to know that if he's got plans with you, then he needs to honour them. Going out with friends is fine, but not if it's for getting high instead of working at your relationship.
If my guy came back from time away for work, I know he'd be off for a while whilst he readjusted. But then he wouldn't make plans with me during that time.
I think your SO needs to decide if he wants to get high, or have a relationship with you, as it seems he can't do both.
Communication is key in any relationship, and even more so in an Ldr. If he's going through something, which is why he's getting high, then he needs to tell you that. You can't read his mind, and if he wants the relationship to work, he has to communicate better and honour his commitments.

[Kimm]

Ty for the reply!

We ended up having a discussion about it, and I explained that it hurt to get stood up, and he seemed to understand and said we would spend time today, and here we are today and he has stood me up for his friends again. At this point I feel extremely undervalued and like everything is more important than the relationship. He feels like I am being unreasonable for being upset he has repeatedly ditched our plans. I'm not really sure what to do at this point, and I'm very upset.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

If it was me, I think I'd bail. There's only so much hanging on and hoping that one person can do. I'd be inclined to say that you can't trust him anymore. He keeps making promises and plans, and then doesn't follow through. You deserve someone who will find a fair balance between their life and their relationship with you. It doesn't sound to me like he values you like he should. You deserve better than to be anyone's back up plan.
I'm sorry you're being treated this way, and you are right to feel mistreated.

[Kimm]

We had planned to spend the whole day hanging out, and he told me his friends randomly told him they were coming over and he'd have to spend time with me way later in the evening. My question was why is it ok to put me on the back burner 2 days in a row, but you can't simply tell them you have plans today? After explaining I felt like I was of no priority, he still decided to go with them so I sent him a pretty lengthy message explaining I have no issue with him spending time with his friends, because I don't. My issue is with getting stood up twice in a row for people he can literally see any day of the week, while we are long distance and our time is limited. I also told him I wouldn't be around later today or for a few days, because as much as I do want to spend time with him, it makes me feel extremely stupid to come off as though I am sitting around waiting for him. I really do care about this person, and before the past few days, he was very attentive and caring so its really hard for me to simply write him off.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I understand that. At best, it's poor prioritising on his part. As you said, his friends are always there, but you're not.
When I went to visit my SO, he'd planned to take me along to his weekly writing group. In the end that didn't happen, because we got home so late that we overslept the next day. But in that scenario, he would've included me.
I'm not sure how I will manage my groups when he comes here, as they are restricted. On the one hand I don't want to miss my groups, as they're good for me, but I also hate the thought of leaving him home alone.

[KoalityLove]

Hi Kimm, it seems that your SO is getting distracted from other things and maybe becoming influenced from his peers? Does he surround himself with motivated individuals? Hoever, the way he is treating you is not fair, especially since he plans things with you and then ditches you without even communicating. You dont deserve to feel this way. LDR is complicated as it is, and it takes two people to make it work. If you are sitting there waiting for him to come on when he doesnt, then that shows a lot about how serious he is taking this. One or two times is okay, but when its a repetitive action that's when you have to consider if you are really putting your time into something that is worth it.

I really wish you the best. Keep us posted.