From America to Australia - advice please

Hey Everyone,

This will be my first post on here. I love that there is a site for LDR couples to come to when needing advice and wanting to share their success stories.

So a little about me and my love. I currently live in America and my boyfriend lives in Australia, we have been dating for a little over 7 months now and are crazy in love. This is my first LDR and this is his first as well. We both connected so hard and started off just simply being friends that opened up to one another. Long story short, him and I have felt this strong connection ever since we first started talking. He is absolutely the love of my life and I have never felt what I feel for him with anyone else. I plan on moving there hopefuly in a couple years but with that means patience...

This is where I ask for y'alls advice. How do you and your significant other keep the trust when the distance is so far? I absolutely trust my bf. I am open and express all my thoughts and emotions to him, especially since that is how we first began our relationship when we were friends... by being honest and open.

He first was very open and trusted me fully. Now, he keeps having trouble trusting me because he believes I will leave him or that I will cheat on him...( I should also mention, both him and I have had complicated pasts with people cheating on us). Anyways, I have expressed to him how I would never do that and that since day one we have been open and honest and that he should trust me. I think the distance is getting to him... and it has him overthinking and also comparing his past relationship to ours which is not good.. im so scared.... he is absolutely the love of my life. We have been having arguements over his assumptions of me a lot more these past couple months.. how do you guys ensure your partner that there is nothing to worry about? I know distance sucks but I believe that if two people want each other then they will make it work. I also believe that trust and communication are two important factors that make a relationship work.

I don't want to lose him, and I feel as if he is pushing hiimself away bc of the assumptions. What can I do? He is the man I thought that never existed, the aboslute love of my life and my best friend. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I don't really have any advice to be honest. But I will say that long distance is hard, and that things like jealousy and suspicion are dangerous to long distance. Whilst me and my man haven't had the suspicion side of things, I have certainly indulged in jealousy a couple of times. I think the first time was because I felt like the other woman had more in common with him than I did, in terms of sexual interests. The second time was simply because we'd been apart for so long, so I was more aware of him talking with an unknown female.
But I will say that in both of those scenarios, I never once actually felt that he would cheat on me.
From his side of things, when we first met I was still hanging out with my ex as a friend. He trusted me to be around him, and that nothing would occur. He actually said to me that it was a great comfort to him, knowing that I wouldn't hose him over for someone else. That's what his ex wife did to him - twice!

[MsGrim]

Hello and welcome! First, I want to share that I have been with untrustworthy relationships in my past as well.. My ex husband was fooling around 2 months after we were married. This has been carried over to my current relationship a couple of times but I just made sure I expressed my feelings to my bf. He has never been cheated on (lucky him because sadly this is way too common now a days) so he really didn't understand my jealousy- to be honest, I didn't either because I KNEW I had nothing to worry about with him. He listened to what I had to say about a situation, I apologized because I had no reason to feel the way I did, we talked a little more about it, he ensured me that I had nothing to worry about and we let it go from there. It hasn't been an issue since.

I guess what I am trying to say that the trust and communication play a huge factor in jealousy within relationships... but you already knew this. As far as his assumptions, I think you need to have a deep conversation about this. Tell him how this is making you uncomfortable in not being trusted. You are not doing anything for him to question you and honestly, it is unfair for you. Let him know how you are feeling... I don't know if there is anything else to put his mind at ease other than communication; maybe you can write him a hand written letter and send it to him. I feel like this is more personal and he will be more appreciative of your words? Worth a shot!

[KoalityLove]

Thank you both for your replies. Unfortunately, I have tried having those deep talks with him but theres only so much I can try to get to him through this distance by phone.. he still doesnt trust me and keeps saying that if I haven't cheated on him now, that I will later.... It's like he wont listen. He gets angry when I try to explain it to him but still it's whatever he thinks... He also has an issue with my new job. I graduated college a few months ago and started working for a company that he knew I was interested in from a while back, and I have always been open about it with him. Now I am in training and will have to be in training for 3 months. My trainer is a male and my bf keeps thinking ive connected with him and discuss personal things with him when I NEVER DO! It's stricktly work and I take my job so seriously! I have been open to discuss this with him but he wont hear me out. And I talk to him everyday, even when I am at work I will always send him messages here and there even though I technically am not suppose to have my phone out... I just need help.. I always get accused. He says im vulnerable and will give in to someone. He's the only one I showed my vulnerable side to... but he takes that and assumes that I am that way with everyone...

I'm sorry for going all over.. It's just that im so in love with him and I planned on moving to Australia. This has been going on for a few months now and when him and I have a happy day, I cherish those days and keep them within me to remind myself of why I stay and fight for him. I wish he saw that...

[MsGrim]

I really hate to say this but maybe it is time to break away from him? This kind of behavior is toxic and it really brings the relationship down, and fast! Sometimes things like this can be worked through but if you have already tried to talk to him and it is not working, then there is no where left for you to go, nothing left to do to try and mend this.

I know you love him and so it would be difficult.. but you have to love yourself more, and honestly this can be damaging to you mental state. I might sound crazy but I’ve been here before, I tried and tried to turn the relationship around but nothing worked and we split; all I left with from that relationship was exhaustion. You cannot sacrifice your happiness for his, he needs to be your supporter and enjoy your accomplishments with you. All he is doing is bringing you down and making this new job less enjoyable, am I right?

This isn’t healthy. For either of you.

[BaconGirl05]

I understand the trust issues that may arise in the relationship, however, something about his behaviour seems off. You said that he gets angry when you try to explain things. It sounds as though you have tried and tried to reassure him that you wouldn't dare cheat. Maybe it is the distance and maybe it really messed him up in the past when he was cheated on. In saying that, it doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you.

I agree with MsGrim. I think it's time to end the relationship. I know you said you're really in love with him and even planned on moving to Australia. What will it be like if you did move to another country to be with him? Will he still have these issues? Would he become controlling and aggressive? Things may change if you moved to be with him, but there's always a chance that it will stay the same. It sounds like to me he has a problem with trust, and those are HIS issues, not yours. Every relationship requires trust, especially long distance ones. Those type of relationships are built with the foundations of trust. You have done what you can which is being open with things. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to take your word for it and instead gets angry and says that it's only a matter of time before you cheat.

Look after yourself and realise that this is really unhealthy. I know you may not want to hear it, but you need to take care of yourself.

All the best. xx

[autumn1790]

I have to agree that I'm also seeing red flags with him getting angry and not giving you the right to say your piece. You are not property; he does not have the right to check up on you at work and restrict who you work with if he could. It's also a red flag that he's
using you're vulnerability which you showed him in trust as a weapon against you. If this is going on after only seven months in the relationship, what will happen down the road?

My SO used to have significant insecurity issues, which combined with my low tolerance for BS, gave us a lot of headaches. We both worked on ourselves and it isn't really an issue anymore. He needs to tackle his demons himself. As much as you might want to, you can never be enough for someone who won't accept you as enough, and you cannot solve his problems. It's something he has to take responsibility for and work on himself. Sounds like you've already tried talking about it, so I'm not sure I have anything else to say :/

[KoalityLove]

Thank you guys so much It's so hard becuase I know he has a lot of insecurties and I just know a lot of his past expereinces can be a big reason to the way he is now. I just want him to know that he is my number one and I never ever would hurt him

[olivia]

I would to say that it is truly platonic love these both.