How to navigate this distance because of the virus lockdown?

[ILoveYou22]

Hi guys!

Me and this guy met online a few days before our country went on lockdown.

We only live about 40 minutes away from each other but with the lockdown and all the control there is on the streets it feels like we're on a distance relationship and I don't know how to navigate this so decided to come here to ask for advice, hope that's ok!

We hit it off right from the start and started messaging each other non stop all day everyday. We talked about meeting for a coffee, but then we went on lockdown and couldn't do it, so we continued to talk online.

We understand each other so much, we have been vulnerable, have deep conversations, have lots of banter, share our thoughts and feelings, it's just wonderful. And we have been also helping and supporting each other during these though times.

I feel like I am catching feelings for him much more than just friendship and can't understand it because we never met before!

We've had a conversation where he said to me that for now we're just friends because he wants to protect me. That he doesn't want to tell me he likes me and it's this and that, and then when we meet there's nothing.

I totally understand what he is saying and agree, because it can be the same for me.

But on the other hand I do have feelings for him already and don't know what to do, because obviously I cannot tell him I do have feelings after what he said to me, but then I feel like it wants to come out so badly.

I felt like he kinda feels the same for me probably, but prefers to be cautious until we meet, something we don't know at this point when it's gonna happen.

Any advice?

[OhioJim]

This virus has affected a lot of people in the same way.

What you are going through (except for the lockdown) is what everyone goes through in any relationship. Long distance or close by.

All I can say is to keep doing what you are doing. This pandemic will not last forever. If things don't work out between the two of you, then count it as a lesson learned. If it does work out, then great!

Just hang in there!

There is another thread just for posting Coronavirus LDR stories. You are welcome to join in.

[ILoveYou22]

Thank you, I'll join in the thread!

[ILoveYou22]

This virus has affected a lot of people in the same way.

What you are going through (except for the lockdown) is what everyone goes through in any relationship. Long distance or close by.

All I can say is to keep doing what you are doing. This pandemic will not last forever. If things don't work out between the two of you, then count it as a lesson learned. If it does work out, then great!

Just hang in there!

There is another thread just for posting Coronavirus LDR stories. You are welcome to join in.

Ok no one replied to me on the other thread, so I'm gonna leave my post here for people to reply.

[Becky]

What does he mean he wants to protect you? From meeting him? Are you sure he isn't talking to others or already in a relationship? Did you meet him on a dating website?

[ILoveYou22]

What does he mean he wants to protect you? From meeting him? Are you sure he isn't talking to others or already in a relationship? Did you meet him on a dating website?

The "protecting" thing he said it's because he doesn't want to create expectations on me saying he likes me or is this and that, and then when we finally meet personally he doesn't feel the same for me and that's gonna hurt me. That's what he said.

What my intuition says on the other hand is that he is emotionally closed off and possibly unavailable and has walls around him preventing him to go further in a relationship, so knowing that he said those things.

I feel that if he was really interested in me and since we cannot meet because of the virus lockdown, it would be simple and lovely to talk on the phone and video chat, so we could get to know each other more for now. Last week I mentioned to him for us to talk on the phone but he ignored it...

He is possibly talking to others too and even already in a relationship, that's why he has this wall around him.

I also felt that maybe he is just lonely and is using our conversations as a distraction and amusement for this difficult time, and that's all it is.

I just feel we're not on the same page and I'm going to step back because I don't want to long for someone who is keeping me at a distance.

[Becky]

That is incredibly hard when you feel you have a connection with someone in the beginning.. So I am gathering it wasn't a dating website because otherwise he would be a bit more open to other means of communication. I am not much of a social media person and not sure how others meet besides dating sites.. However you met him and started a conversation.. It sounds to me that you clicked but he is being standoffish.. I would go with what makes you feel comfortable in this situation.. He seems guarded on getting hurt or you getting hurt? Maybe you can tell him you have no expectations and really enjoy his conversations. What do you two have in common so far from texting one another?

[ILoveYou22]

That is incredibly hard when you feel you have a connection with someone in the beginning.. So I am gathering it wasn't a dating website because otherwise he would be a bit more open to other means of communication. I am not much of a social media person and not sure how others meet besides dating sites.. However you met him and started a conversation.. It sounds to me that you clicked but he is being standoffish.. I would go with what makes you feel comfortable in this situation.. He seems guarded on getting hurt or you getting hurt? Maybe you can tell him you have no expectations and really enjoy his conversations. What do you two have in common so far from texting one another?

Thank you for your reply.

Yes we did meet on a dating site!

I think maybe what happened is about a week after we started messaging each other he did some sexual talk (nothing explicit) and I flirted a little, but quickly ended the conversation and he noticed it.

Then after that I think he realised he went too far too soon and he said to me we're just friends and see how it goes after we meet. I said to him ok we're just friends so let's not have that sexual talk then.

Then yesterday we were talking and he said something like he has to go slow with me otherwise I'll run away. So I guess his guard might be because of all that, but that shouldn't prevent us from talking on the phone or video chat I think!

Well we talk about everything, we can go on for hours. About our lives, our work, what we like/dislike, we have lots of silly conversations and banter and just teasing each other, we talk about the virus situation, etc, etc. We have been vulnerable together, even cried together. So this kind of things just create a bond you know? I feel like I care about him.

I think at this point I'm just accepting how I feel about him, but without expectations or any need of validation from his side. And if we end up being just friends afterwards fine too.

[Becky]

He sounds super compassionate and caring. I can see why you are interested! He might have felt he went too far with the flirting.. which makes him sound sensitive as well..

[ILoveYou22]

He sounds super compassionate and caring. I can see why you are interested! He might have felt he went too far with the flirting.. which makes him sound sensitive as well..

Aaaarrghhhh now I like him even more

[Becky]

My suggestion would be... What I would do which doesn't make it the right choice for everyone.. I would keep open communication as a friend.. Get to know him until he is able to open up more. I feel that his hesitation on different forms of communication outside of texting is limited.. I would talk to other people to just keep your options open at the moment.

[Becky]

The question that I have in my mind... He was ready to meet you for a date before lock down.. Video chat is a good way to get to know someone if you can't meet face to face. The two of you would at least get a feel for a different connection if there is one outside of texting... If a connection is not made through video.. Then the two of you will at least know if there is something more or not... If things progress in a positive direction.. Then the two of you have something to look forward to when meeting in real life..

[ILoveYou22]

The question that I have in my mind... He was ready to meet you for a date before lock down.. Video chat is a good way to get to know someone if you can't meet face to face. The two of you would at least get a feel for a different connection if there is one outside of texting... If a connection is not made through video.. Then the two of you will at least know if there is something more or not... If things progress in a positive direction.. Then the two of you have something to look forward to when meeting in real life..

Thank you Becky. I totally agree that video chat would be a great option, but he just doesn't want to.

There were several times when I was wondering if he was really into me and to get to know me or he was just using me as entertainment for this lockdown. Because someone who really wants to know you, would want to talk on the phone, video chat, etc. A person who only wants to be entertained on the other hand wouldn't do much effort, like he is doing.

Anyway he did something yesterday I didn't like and I think this is the end of the road with this guy.

We were texting as usual in the morning and then after lunch I went out for a walk around my neighbourhood and I found this amazing secluded small river with nature around that is just beautiful. I took photos and when I came back, I sent him the photos saying hey look at what I just found around my house!

And he replied... nothing. He saw the photos, but stopped texting back. And he was online until the time I went to bed and said absolutely nothing.

My feeling is he started talking to someone else and doesn't care anymore.

Anyway I find this extremely rude and it just confirms my feeling he was not really into me and just wanted to be entertained.

This is not behaviour I want in my life from anyone, so I'm moving on and talking to other guys too and wish him well.

[Becky]

Ugh.. I am so sorry to hear this.. I was afraid of that.. I was worried that he might have someone at home or he had others he might have an interest in... If someone genuinely has an interest.. They will do what it takes to make a connection especially if the connection seems like both people are on the same page. It seems like you two did connect.. I just find it suspicious that he wasn't willing to give a video chat a go... He had nothing to lose to video chat. He possibly had something to gain by having more of a connection with you. If I was in your shoes.. I would let this one go.. If he is too uncomfortable with his self image to even video chat... It sounds like he needs to work on his self esteem..

As for the pictures you sent him. That was a lovely thing to do and I find it sweet that you took the time to give him a piece of your life to try to connect with him. Ultimately.. it is his loss..

Hugs to you.

[ILoveYou22]

Ugh.. I am so sorry to hear this.. I was afraid of that.. I was worried that he might have someone at home or he had others he might have an interest in... If someone genuinely has an interest.. They will do what it takes to make a connection especially if the connection seems like both people are on the same page. It seems like you two did connect.. I just find it suspicious that he wasn't willing to give a video chat a go... He had nothing to lose to video chat. He possibly had something to gain by having more of a connection with you. If I was in your shoes.. I would let this one go.. If he is too uncomfortable with his self image to even video chat... It sounds like he needs to work on his self esteem..

As for the pictures you sent him. That was a lovely thing to do and I find it sweet that you took the time to give him a piece of your life to try to connect with him. Ultimately.. it is his loss..

Hugs to you.

Thank you Becky.

Yes we did connect in the beginning and it was a huge connection, we felt like we were on the same "channel" and could speak for hours.

But soon after that I've started noticing his emotionally unavailability and that he was putting walls around him. It made me feel rejected and that's absolutely not what I want to feel with someone.

Whatever the issues are with him (he is already committed, have trust issues, etc), that's up to him to work on, not my job to make him see the connection we have and act on it if he doesn't want to.

I've stopped talking to him and didn't even tell him why because the last time I tried to speak openly and honestly he said for me to drop it and changed subject. He didn't even send any message asking why I stopped messaging, so I guess he really doesn't care.

Yes a man who is really interested makes sure the woman knows, and wants to connect further. This was not that so yes his loss and I am free to meet someone else.