How to tell him you have feelings for him when he doesn't want to?

[ILoveYou22]

How and when do people in long distance relationships tell they have feelings for each other?

I have feelings for the guy I am talking to (we met online), but he told me he doesn't want to tell me he likes me or that between us is this or that before we meet. Because he is scared that if we meet he might feel different.

So we just talk like friends, despite the fact we message each other all day everyday and is clearly not just friendship.

Because of what he said, I ended up not telling him I have feelings for him and now I feel I have to bottle up when I would like to be honest about it.

Yes we might feel differently when we meet personally, and we never met before, but what I feel is real.

Any advice?

[OhioJim]

My inclination would be to go ahead and tell him how you feel.

It would be better knowing than worrying about it.

When you talk or message, just be yourself. Say, or text, whatever you feel with out coming right out and saying it. He will get the message. And if you happen to "accidentally" say"Love You". Immediately say "Sorry, that just slipped out".

[vivid_idea]

I definitely agree that it is harder to navigate feelings over the distance.

My SO and I also met online and we did not meet in person until 11 months later. During that time before we met I knew I was developing deep feelings for him. We talked a little about it and he said that he felt the same way but I also noted that he said that he couldn’t take someone seriously if they were to say they loved him without having met first. In spite of him saying that, in a moment of fun and lightness I told him I loved him. He responded by thanking me but explained that he can’t toss those words around lightly because it really means a lot for him to say it. I understand what he has been through before me and I could accept this.

When we finally met in person, it was on our last night together, just before I fell asleep. I was lying in his arms and he was stroking my hair. We weren’t talking but I suddenly realised I had to tell him that I loved him. So I said “I love you and I just needed you to know it before you fly back”. I remember feeling his hand stop suddenly in my hair, he hugged me tighter, but he didn’t say anything. I fell asleep like that.

After he had returned home I thought to bring it up. I told him that it was true that I loved him but that I wouldn’t say it because I am scared of creating an awkwardness if he didn’t feel comfortable to say it back to me. He said he understands and explained again how it is a really big deal to him. I had since left it at that.

He visited me again 6 months later and we had another wonderful time together. At the airport we were both crying at the gate and hugging each other. Just before he let me go to walk through the gate, I whispered in his ear “I do love you, cutie”. He was crying and he said immediately back to me that he loved me too. This is after 18 months together.

It can be more difficult to understand feelings when they are over the distance. My advice is just to be honest with him. Tell him how you feel and what you worry about. But you also have to accept how he operates and how he feels, too. It can be very confusing. There is nothing insincere about developing feelings for someone online. Those feelings can be very real. If you like him, tell him! You could also say that you understand that things could change in person, but that right now you feel happy that you have found him and that you like him very much!

When do you plan to meet each other? I found that when we met IRL finally, my SO was everything I had imagined him to be, plus more.

All the best to you!

[Becky]

Are you no longer in a relationship with the person in Portugal?

If you are talking to someone new and have chemistry.. Maybe you can ask to have a cup of coffee and video chat to hang out.. Friends do hang out Who knows where I might lead.. I did meet someone online who I had an instant attraction to.. We did meet and it was amazing....

Good luck..

[ILoveYou22]

I definitely agree that it is harder to navigate feelings over the distance.

My SO and I also met online and we did not meet in person until 11 months later. During that time before we met I knew I was developing deep feelings for him. We talked a little about it and he said that he felt the same way but I also noted that he said that he couldn’t take someone seriously if they were to say they loved him without having met first. In spite of him saying that, in a moment of fun and lightness I told him I loved him. He responded by thanking me but explained that he can’t toss those words around lightly because it really means a lot for him to say it. I understand what he has been through before me and I could accept this.

When we finally met in person, it was on our last night together, just before I fell asleep. I was lying in his arms and he was stroking my hair. We weren’t talking but I suddenly realised I had to tell him that I loved him. So I said “I love you and I just needed you to know it before you fly back”. I remember feeling his hand stop suddenly in my hair, he hugged me tighter, but he didn’t say anything. I fell asleep like that.

After he had returned home I thought to bring it up. I told him that it was true that I loved him but that I wouldn’t say it because I am scared of creating an awkwardness if he didn’t feel comfortable to say it back to me. He said he understands and explained again how it is a really big deal to him. I had since left it at that.

He visited me again 6 months later and we had another wonderful time together. At the airport we were both crying at the gate and hugging each other. Just before he let me go to walk through the gate, I whispered in his ear “I do love you, cutie”. He was crying and he said immediately back to me that he loved me too. This is after 18 months together.

It can be more difficult to understand feelings when they are over the distance. My advice is just to be honest with him. Tell him how you feel and what you worry about. But you also have to accept how he operates and how he feels, too. It can be very confusing. There is nothing insincere about developing feelings for someone online. Those feelings can be very real. If you like him, tell him! You could also say that you understand that things could change in person, but that right now you feel happy that you have found him and that you like him very much!

When do you plan to meet each other? I found that when we met IRL finally, my SO was everything I had imagined him to be, plus more.

All the best to you!

Thank you! Yes I do understand people feel things differently but what my intuition tells me is that he is emotionally closed off and possibly emotionally unavailable.

It's like he has a wall around him and only goes until a certain point.

I understand someone who wants to meet first and see how he feels, but since we cannot meet now due to the virus lockdown, we would have to connect in other ways such as talk on the phone and video chat, which he shows no interest in doing.

I mentioned to him for us to talk on the phone last week and he ignored it. Not a sign of interest, right!?

My fear now is that my intuition is right and that even when we meet personally he's still going to be the same.

So that's why I haven't told him my feelings and that's why I prefer to lean back and even start talking to other guys and take the focus off him. I don't want to keep wanting and longing for someone who shows no signs of feeling the same or wanting to know me more.

[ILoveYou22]

Are you no longer in a relationship with the person in Portugal?

If you are talking to someone new and have chemistry.. Maybe you can ask to have a cup of coffee and video chat to hang out.. Friends do hang out Who knows where I might lead.. I did meet someone online who I had an instant attraction to.. We did meet and it was amazing....

Good luck..

We cannot meet now for a coffee because of the virus lockdown. But as I mentioned before, I did tell him for us to talk on the phone last week and he ignored it. Not a good sign, right?

I think talking on the phone and even video chat would be lovely and the best thing to do if we're into each other and want to know more about each other without meeting personally, but I feel he doesn't want to.

I just feel we're not on the same page and I'm going to step back because I don't want to long for someone who is keeping me at a distance.

[OhioJim]

We cannot meet now for a coffee because of the virus lockdown......

I think Becky meant for each of you to have your own cup of coffee while video chatting.

[ILoveYou22]

I think Becky meant for each of you to have your own cup of coffee while video chatting.

Oh ok I see. Well that would be a wonderful idea but this guy doesn't seem interested in doing so, only texting.

[OhioJim]

At least you have the option of video chat. My SO and I don't because of the lousy community WiFi connection. Sometimes we can only exchange a few words by text.

All I can say now is to be yourself. Listen to what your heart is telling you. Open and honest communication is 100 times as important in an LDR as it is in a close-by relationship, so be open and honest. If that scares him away, then at least you won't be worrying about it. I have found that worrying is far worse than doing something, even if it turns out that you did the wrong thing.

[ILoveYou22]

At least you have the option of video chat. My SO and I don't because of the lousy community WiFi connection. Sometimes we can only exchange a few words by text.

All I can say now is to be yourself. Listen to what your heart is telling you. Open and honest communication is 100 times as important in an LDR as it is in a close-by relationship, so be open and honest. If that scares him away, then at least you won't be worrying about it. I have found that worrying is far worse than doing something, even if it turns out that you did the wrong thing.

Yes agree.

I mentioned to him to talk on the phone and he ignored it, so didn't even mentioned video chat! I don't feel he is interested to do any of that.

I also tried to talk openly and honestly and he quickly changed subject.

[Becky]

What do we have to lose other than knowing where we stand with that person. Being genuine and authentic is the way to go I think we put too much pressure on ourselves at times when it comes to relationships... Some things are in our control... Some things are not. I try to focus on what I can do and where I can go with life choices... Intuition and gut instinct is another feeling I listen to. As long as I am not hurting anyone or myself.. I feel I am doing okay.. It is not always easy to gauge where others are in their lives especially if they are not very open.. Maybe ILoveYou22 can leave it open and just leave a lovely text "If you are interested in video chatting to a cup of coffee... Please give me a ring"

Leave it at that

Thank you OhioJim for clearing up my meaning.. Social distancing is a must and I encourage video dates... NOT meeting in person at the moment.

[ILoveYou22]

What do we have to lose other than knowing where we stand with that person. Being genuine and authentic is the way to go I think we put too much pressure on ourselves at times when it comes to relationships... Some things are in our control... Some things are not. I try to focus on what I can do and where I can go with life choices... Intuition and gut instinct is another feeling I listen to. As long as I am not hurting anyone or myself.. I feel I am doing okay.. It is not always easy to gauge where others are in their lives especially if they are not very open.. Maybe ILoveYou22 can leave it open and just leave a lovely text "If you are interested in video chatting to a cup of coffee... Please give me a ring"

Leave it at that

Thank you OhioJim for clearing up my meaning.. Social distancing is a must and I encourage video dates... NOT meeting in person at the moment.

Well I mentioned to him to talk on the phone and he ignored it, so not sure about mentioning to video chat!?

We were talking yesterday and just having banter and he said something like that I can see all his photos on his Facebook profile but in reality he weights a lot and is very ugly and etc. It seems he is a bit insecure and maybe he's afraid I won't like him when I see him?

I too listen a lot to my intuition and what it tells me is that he does like me but is afraid he doesn't feel the same when he meets me, or I don't feel the same for him, something like that. I think he is probably that type of guys that need to be sure he likes me and I like him in order to open up.

[Becky]

I sent you a PM..

It sounds like he is a bit insecure.. Maybe reassure him that you are interested in getting to know him? I find people attractive for who they are..

The "sexiest guy with the sexiest body" can actually be the ugliest guy in my eyes.. He could have a horrible personality.. Selfish.. narcissistic..

Some guys need a little reassurance when they have been hurt in the past...

[ILoveYou22]

I sent you a PM..

It sounds like he is a bit insecure.. Maybe reassure him that you are interested in getting to know him? I find people attractive for who they are..

The "sexiest guy with the sexiest body" can actually be the ugliest guy in my eyes.. He could have a horrible personality.. Selfish.. narcissistic..

Some guys need a little reassurance when they have been hurt in the past...

I told him already before that I don't judge people by their looks or their body fat % or whatever. Attraction to me is an energy thing above all else. So I told him that already, but he probably had bad experiences in the past, and I don't feel his insecurity will go away before we meet face to face.