9000 Miles Away

[JawaHunter312]

I met this wonderful girl at my job and grew extremely fond of her. We connceted so well mentally, physically, and emotionally. We were exclusive for 5 months. She left for proffesional school in Australia. We knew we loved each other. She asked me if I wanted to be more, but I resisted. The thought of being in a LDR didn't sit well. I gave it some time to run in my head. Get this it only took me 2 days to realize I couldn't bear the thought of letting her go. She has been everything I ever wanted in a women. I talked to her via face time soon after. We agreed, we would try being in a LDR. We've had the title for about 3 months now. I have never felt so emotionally connected to someone in my life. To love someone so deeply, but not be able to hold them. Her presence alone melted my fears and thoughts away. It kills me, even as I write this post. I know facetime, texting, gifts can only do so much, but it's the physical touch and it doesn't even have to be sexual. Just them in your proximity. How do you folks deal with this, pain, loneliness?

[Atlantic Crossroads]

You sound like my guy. I think that was part of the reason we split up last month. He'd been alone for years before we met, and he really struggled after our first visit. The longer we were apart, the more depressed he became. He's a very tactile person, who loves hugs. It hurts to know I can't give them when I know he needs them. He said he feels like he's imagined me. Hearing him say that made me so sad. Where he lives isn't close to other houses, and he doesn't have any friends to hang out with either.
I do what I can do he doesn't feel lonely, but with the distance, there is only so much I can do.

I would say I manage it better than he does, but I've done long distance before, and I'm used to being far away from the people I love most. For me, it's just become the way of my life. I don't know how I deal with it. I just do. Accepting it for what it is, and knowing I don't have the power to change it. I try to focus on how fortunate I am to have found him and have him in my life. There could never be anyone else for me, so walking away from him is never something I could do. He's so much more than a partner to me. I can't even explain it.

[vivid_idea]

Hi there, and welcome to the forum *hugs*

It surely is not easy for any of us and I think we have all (at times) felt that we are at rock bottom and don’t know how to cope with the pain and longing.

I’ve known my SO for 18 months and I have definitely had many hard times, especially in the beginning. I am in Australia too, btw, and my SO is in Europe. So the distance between us is huge. And sometimes it feels overwhelming.

What has helped me is learning to really appreciate what I found with him and remember that it’s special. Very special. Not only that, but choosing this journey together because it is precisely so hard, forms a bond that is so strong that I think many people IRL don’t ever really experience what that’s like to the same degree.

So far we have had two 3 week long visits with each other. They were both spectacular and all the more so because of how much we have had to fight to get there. Saying goodbye is heartbreaking, but looking forward to the next visit is exciting.

If you can learn to accept the situation for what it is atm and appreciate the bond and closeness that you are able to work on through the distance, then LDRs can still be very rewarding. In some ways, even moreso than if you got to be together in person. They are constant proof of your partner’s love, devotion and commitment to you. Which I think is beautiful.

All the best to you. I hope you can work out soon what will make you happy. And know that there are plenty of people on this forum who will happily offers support if and when you ask for it

[vivid_idea]

P.S I am also “9000 Miles Away”. Where are you?

[JawaHunter312]

Thank you so much for such welcoming thoughts. I appreciate it so much. I agree there are times where you feel emotionally vulnerable and a simple thought of the both of you eating dinner months ago or laughing over boards games triggers sadness. I do find comfort in thinking of the good times as a positive where i say to myself "wow, if we had this much fun then, imagine us when we come together soon? Even better!". Or lets say when you see another cute couple, do you ever smile and appreciate the couple, but then think like "dam, i miss my loved one?".

WOWOWOWOW, my gf is in Brisbane. What a small world! I agree with you that other people do not understand especially those who have access to see their loved ones. People always ask "why are you on your phone?" They do not understand the time difference and access to message one another. Ex. I live in Chicago. So i could be going to bed and she is wide awake etc.

When you have the long visits is there a expectation? Like i understand everyone's situation is different. Like the other might work or go to school. Saying good bye is always hard, i recall when i said good bye or leading up to it, nothing, but tears.

Thank you so much. Yes, it displays this emotional bond that can literally be unbreakable. So i think when you come in person the both of you will be unstoppable. Let me know if you ever want to chat more. I would love to hear more about your reunion encounters. Sucks right now that this whole covid ordeal is happening. I had flight booked for may and had to cancel!

[JawaHunter312]

Im sorry you guys split up . I think there is nothing to believe and feel that your loved one close to you or hugging you. Now if we are talking about, talking to yourself pretending they are there while eating dinner then that is a issue. Really? Making friends is hard, nowadays people do not appreciate friends. It feels more virtual. I agree. There is so much you can do and sometimes it feels like its not enough, but other times it feels amazing. A simple face time brightens my day or a cute text. In the beginning i would get mad if she didnt talk to me as much, but one has to also be understanding of the others boundaries and life. I am slowly learning. It cannot be done over night i feel.

Yes! My gf does as well!. Not to compare, but you ladies have the same mindset when it comes to this topic. She is better at it than me forsure and has dated LDR in the past.

Thank you so much. I should view it in a more positive aspect. I would never trade her for anything in the world and have been blessed by her appearance in my life. I love how you talk about! Gives me so much hope.

[laniii]

I’m also 9000 miles away from my SO I’m Australian and he’s American. It does get hard but we communicate when we’re feeling sad or lonely about those things and no matter what we always seem to cheer the other one up. He gets me by, by always telling me it’s only temporary and it won’t last forever. Just knowing I’ll be in his arms again soon gets me by. For me I try to think of it I’d rather have lonely and sad times where I miss him so much than not have in my life at all.
I know I will look back on the LD one day and miss those FaceTime calls, the long messages, the selfies sent etc. So I guess I try to appreciate everyday with positive thinking and it’s slowly working.

[vivid_idea]

Hi Jawa,

Sorry I didn’t notice your reply straight away. You asked if there is an expectation with long visits. Well ofc there is the expectation that things will go well and we usually try to do some special things together: stay somewhere nice, go out for dinner, sightsee together and all the typical things. His last trip was when he met my children for the first time. So it was a lot more stressful and challenging than it usually would be.

In my case, my SO has experience with LDRs but this is my first. So I feel he had a better grasp of how to manage our relationship than I have done. It’s a learning process for sure.

Being understanding and accepting of the fact that you both do need to have your own individual lives is very important. You cannot spend all day every day waiting for them. But any relationship expert will tell you that it is important to maintain a rewarding and independent life, even when you are in a relationship. So just remember to focus on the things you need to do in order to positively build your own life, for you and your relationship. It does help

Oh and our goodbye at the airport was a lot of tears too. I get it. Stay safe