Lockdown side effects...

[vivid_idea]

Well I am one of those people who finds themselves unemployed due to corona. It really sucks in all of the obvious ways. But on top of that, I find the extra idle time and feelings of uncertainty are having a bit of a negative effect on me and I am experiencing some feelings of jealousy.

My SO lives in an apartment with 3 other people. Two women and one man. I am not concerned that he would cheat or anything like that. It’s not that sort of jealousy. But I am finding I am feeling a little bit jealous/resentful of the time he spends with these people. Yesterday he took some photos for me of a walk he went on. He went with his two female roomies and they were in one of the photos he sent. Today he is cooking lunch for everyone and he sent me a video of what he is making. It looks like he is going to a lot of effort and everything looks amazing.

I don’t want to sound all whiney, and I love that he sends me photos and videos and tries to include me. It’s just that I feel so lonely going through this lockdown and missing him. And then seeing him spending time with other people and doing all the things I wish we could do together is almost too much to bear.

So I guess I am just wondering if you guys can relate to these feelings? Especially during covid-19? And what do you do to combat your feelings of loneliness and jealousy when they surface?

I have not really experienced these feelings with him before. I don’t know why I feel this way now. But it’s awful. I haven’t talked to him about it because I want to remain positive and supportive, especially because he starts his new job soon

So just extending an olive branch cos I am feeling lonely and sad during self isolation 😭😭😭

[OhioJim]

Instead of feeling jealous and resentful, think about why he is sending you pictures and videos.

Why do you think he is doing it? Look at the positive side of it.

While you are at it, send him pictures and videos of what you are doing. And schedule a time for a video chat.

[Redheart14]

Instead of feeling jealous and resentful, think about why he is sending you pictures and videos.

Why do you think he is doing it? Look at the positive side of it.

While you are at it, send him pictures and videos of what you are doing. And schedule a time for a video chat.

I agree with this
Why don’t you send him videos back?

[vivid_idea]

This is a bit off topic, but I have a complicated family life. Meaning I have two children and difficulties with my ex. Recently my SO and I have been having some heated discussions about politics. My SO and my ex have very opposing views on everything and they also hate each other despite having never met. My ex hates my SO because I left my ex for my SO and my SO hates my ex because he doesn’t agree with any of his choices in regards to me and the kids. And I just feel so pressured and stuck in the middle all the time because I must also coparent with my ex, and yet my SO wants to see big changes.

It’s very complicated, and this contributes to my feelings and hence why I withdraw and don’t send videos.

Also, in regards to the video idea. A week ago I said I wanted to video chat and he had a reason not to. I haven’t brought it up again and he hasn’t initiated so that makes me feel worse.

[Redheart14]

Sorry by that I meant a short clip of something you cooked like he shared with you? Little things like that really helped my husband and I feel connected while apart.

[kate04]

I feel the same. I completely get it.
The state where my SO lives is not locked down. He went to get icecreams for his kids yesterday and I felt irrationally jealous of the woman at the Drive Through (Drive Through icecreams!!! Crackers!!)
Too much time on my hands in a small house with two kids and feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I get it.
My emotions change a hundred times an hour. From I love this man, this will be over soon and I'm on that plane, to I may as well just finish it now....

I understand and here if you want to chat love xxx

[MorgsLily]

Hi vivid_idea,

I wanted to let you know that I get your feelings of jealousy.
How do you cope with problems that occur apart from these feelings right now? Do you talk about it with your SO?
Everybody is different, so it really depends on what you both are willing to do. Do you feel save enough to open up to him about it?
In the past, I was a very closed off Person. I botched a lot of things because of that, but didn't know better at that time.
With my SO I don't get to be closed off because he calls me out on it...he knows when something is up. The distance doesn't make any difference in that, he just knows. So I was forced to open up. Not that he pressured me. But over time I learned that sharing my feelings and thoughts always made it better. Even if we couldn't find a solution right away. But talking about it sets things into motion automatically. A lot of times I feel vulnerable like crazy when I open up. We also talk about this. It's not without tears or hurt, but we try to solve it together and that makes me feel strong.

And by talking I don't mean to just dump everything on him. But to let him know you have things on your mind. That you care deeply about him and your relationship. That you want to work together.

And like with your Ex...I'm really sorry you're having a hard time. I get sitting between the chairs. That's so draining! Instead of looking at it as a whole problem, could you maybe break it down? I mean like...sit down on your own...alone...and look a the co-parenting Situation. Are you content with it? Is there anything you wanna change About it? If you're content...awesome! Then please try to stand up for yourself and communicate to your SO that it is ok for how it is. If you're not content...awesome that you noticed it! That's the first step. You don't have to have the perfect solution ready. There won't probably be any perfect solution anyway, because there's only so much you can control. You can control your behavior, your emotions, how you react to things. Neither can you control your Ex's actions nor your SO's actions. And you are not responsible for their actions either. But you are for yours. I don't mean that harsh in any way, don't get me wrong. But you have a lot on your plate and it sounds to me like you're really caught in the middle right now.
You can step out of the middle by looking inside *you*. How do *you* feel? What does this or that do to *you* and *your* feelings? What do *you* want to change?
It's scary to look at all that, but then you can take steps. Small steps. One at a time. You have all the right to do that. In your way, at your pace and with respect for the people around you. Because *you* matter.

[vivid_idea]

MorgsLily, thank you for such a thoughtful post. It’s amazing how you speak about your SO because some parts I could have written myself! I, too, have struggled with communicating my feelings and it is a constant work in progress. From never going deep below the surface in my past relationship, I didn’t even really know what it means to be open and honest and vulnerable about my feelings. I have far less of that with my SO now though because - yes! - he calls me out on it. He can even decipher over a sentence-long text that something is “off” and he won’t let it go until I talk to him about it. Sometimes it is hard for me and sometimes it is really scary not even understanding how I feel but I am working on it, with him.

With my ex and kids it is a very very difficult situation. My SO finds nearly all of his actions despicable. And I feel I cannot stand up to my ex because he is emotionally abusive. It makes a very unfortunate constellation sadly. I am recognising my feelings more and more though and feel more and more that I deserve what I want and can manifest things in the right direction. Standing up for yourself is a hard lesson to learn when you’ve never really done it before!

Things are better with my SO now. He just gets very frustrated and feels helpless over there. He hates knowing how much I have to deal with here and I think he gets a bit controlling because he is worried about me. The added pressure does not help though and I told him this and how it stresses me out. He says he just cares so much and that he doesn’t mean for his observations to come across as pressure. I think it’s good that we can talk about how we both feel cos it is a big situation we both must handle. I know that we love each other very much though.

Thanks again for your helpful words.l 😊🤗