Are LDRs REALLY that different?

[OhioJim]

I was just thinking about this.

Except for the communications problems over a distance, I think that an LDR relationship has the same ups and downs, uncertainty and doubt, anguish and joy, as any other type of relationship!

[Atlantic Crossroads]

You can see each other whenever you want when you live nearby. You have no worries about your income, visas, taking time off for visits, booking flights, immigration, you don't have the strain of not being near each other for months or years (usually).
I never worried about whether my relationship would make it to the next date!
You have to communicate differently. You can't hug each other after a fight, you have to talk it out, which can be very hard to do.

I'd prefer close distance any day. Then we'd probably still be together, cos he wouldn't feel alone in my arms.

[OhioJim]

My point is that, based on the questions new members have been asking, the types of problems are not much different than those encountered in close-by relationships.

Granted, the distance problem makes it more difficult to resolve problems, but you will have to admit that the types of problems are the same.

[vivid_idea]

I’m not sure if I agree with that. I find the types of problems in LDRs are significantly more focused around communication issues because, let’s face it, communication is almost 100% of the relationship. In person relationships the issues could be about anything ranging from feeling neglected from a lack of cuddles to irritation when your partner forgets to do the dishes.

Although communication is important in any relationship, I think the problems faced are vastly different imo

[autumn1790]

Aight, I'll throw in my two cents. :P I think it is easy to think LDRs are so different that we do/don't do things we would normally do/not do in close distance. For instance, there might be more fear about their partner cheating; we all know anyone can cheat anywhere, even lying next to you. Or we let our partner go days, weeks without communication and still hang on to the hope that maybe they're just busy (not talking about partners who can't communicate, I mean partners who choose not to communicate), when we wouldn't put up with that if they walked in the door every night. Or we plan furiously all the minute details of our entire future six weeks into the relationship, because feelings are intensified and time is precious and visits have to be planned so far in advance, when no one else at six weeks is figuring out who will move where. So in that sense, I agree it's probably best not to treat ldrs as any different than any other relationship. I think I've written in my posts before--would you do this/think this/say this if you had only known the person next door this amount of time?

[OhioJim]

Yes communication is a problem.

But what I am seeing in most of the newbie questions on here is there is an underlying problem behind the communication difficulties. The same problems you have in a close-by relationship.

[vivid_idea]

I think when it comes to communication, the difference is that a LDR will not stand the test of time without open and rewarding communication. This is what I enjoy about my LDR because I know that we both put a lot of time and effort into communication and learning and growing together. I think IRL good communication can be overlooked by being busy and distracted with other things that mask themselves as the primary glue in a relationship. I was with someone for 14 years IRL and after the relationship was over I realised we never properly communicated! What a farce!

So an IRL relationship can function without good communication but an LDR will quickly fizzle in the absence of open, honest communication. This is probably why many newbies have issues with communication in the beginning. And they either resolve those and grow stronger together. Or the connection dies out. There is no other way.

[BaconGirl05]

I do agree that communication is the foundation of an LDR. I also think a big difference between and LDR and a relationship close by would be developing independence within the LDR. I think within a lot of new relationships, some people lose their independence and start relying on their partner for a lot of things. A LDR kind of forces each other to still live their current lives. It can be hard to not be hung up on the partner though which is in a LDR we can't build our lives around our partner that lives far away. I know that when my relationship was long distance, at first I was checking my phone all the time and was constantly wanting to text my SO. We lived in different countries, so the time zones were huge. He would be going to sleep as I was waking up and he would wake up when I'd finish school. That changed as the relationship went on.

Looking back on it now, I really gained independence within myself. I learned that my life still had to continue and I couldn't worry about when he would message me next or when he would wake up. So I continued doing my own routine, he would do his, and we would fit our schedule around that. It actually helped us when I closed the distanced. We currently both work (he works 12+ hours) and at times our schedules are opposite, so there are days we hardly see each other. We send the occasional "I love you and I hope work is going well for you," text but we're not constantly texting. We accept that we have our own routines and we're both independent adults.

I see a lot of posts from people worried about not receiving calls/messages from their SO. We have to remember that even though it is a LDR, each person still has their own life (a job, study, a family) and worrying a lot about what their SO is doing can actually be harmful to the relationship.

[vivid_idea]

I totally agree with your post BaconGirl.

It’s so important to maintain independence, and some relationships IRL can become codependent very quickly. It’s harder for that to happen in LDRs but they also can be unhealthy if either one is obsessing or stagnating in their own life (can easily happen).

My SO and I try to set goals that run parallel to each other and give a sense of working towards a particular “end” goal. Currently he lives in Europe and I am in Australia. We want him to move here eventually. This involves working and saving more, getting the necessary experience in a particular job field, moving house to a location that will work for us both etc. So we work independently in our lives but having joint goals really helps.

[MorgsLily]

I *sorta* enjoy being stripped of the every day life Problems. Only *sorta*, because I would rather have a close distance relationship with my SO right now this second. I just wished him a good night by the way while I'm at work.
But until then and who knows when that will happen, we're really reduced to communication and we went through so many things together already that I know we can work through really big things. Doing the dishes or whatever won't be any problem at all, because I will appreciate having every day life problems so much by the time.
So yeah...ldr are having different problems, but actually no matter which problem, it needs to be solved to make the relationship good and of deep meaning and the distance doesn't change anything about that.

Just like vivid_idea I was in a 13 year marriage before my ldr and it was a farce because I never felt save enough to open up. There was no communication other than the greed for more money and more stuff and chores that need to be done. Never ever again I want to have a relationship like that. I'll gladly wait longer for physical closeness than to not have emotional safety and stableness in the relationship.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Definitely agree about emotional safety. It wasn't until I got together with my SO that I realised I'd never experienced it before. I can go to him with anything, in any state, and he simply accepts me as I am. He doesn't tell me I'm being silly, or that my feelings are wrong. He's just there for me, and I feel accepted and supported.
He heard me crying one night in the bathroom, and he knocked on the door. When I opened it, he didn't say a word. He simply joined me on the floor and held me while I cried. We didn't need any words in that moment. He'd deliberately sought me out, when he knew I was suffering, so he could be there with me, even though he hates it when I'm upset.
Now, if that's not the type of guy you marry, then I don't know who is!

[vivid_idea]

Just problems like vivid_idea I was in a 13 year marriage before my ldr and it was a farce because I never felt save enough to open up. There was no communication other than the greed for more money and more stuff and chores that need to be done. Never ever again I want to have a relationship like that. I'll gladly wait longer for physical closeness than to not have emotional safety and stableness in the relationship.

Amazing parallels. Yes I feel many similarities when I think back to my relationship before my LDR. I also never felt safe enough to open up because he always would get defensive and invalidate me. Even now negotiating co-parenting is still stressful because we just can not communicate with each other.

With my SO now it is like cool refreshing water finally running through a dry creek bed in terms of emotional safety and intimacy. I never knew how much I needed that until I found him. Distance is horrid, but the bond is irreplaceable.

[MorgsLily]

Amazing parallels indeed. I thought so too. I'm really sorry that the co-parenting is stressful for you, vivid_idea. I feel you.
Love your metaphor with the dry creek bed.

Go get the man, Atlantic Crossroads!

[vivid_idea]

Go get the man, Atlantic Crossroads!

Yes!!! 👏

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Thanks for the encouragement, but I got him over a year ago!
I proposed to him a week after we first met. I'd thought about it before we met, but those 8 days were more than enough to confirm what I already knew after 7 weeks of talking.

It's all about the little things, which are often things you never had with other partners. His attention to detail, and his devotion and care of me were incredible. He nurtured me.