Distance and Trust

Today, I'm not okay. I think more than anything I just want to vent and share my thoughts somewhere to ease my pain. And since everyone here knows the challenges of LDR, I thought it would be best to share it with you guys.

My SO is all the way in Australia and Im all the way in the United States. I can tell you all that he is absolutely the love of my life. I met him in the oddest and most special way (9 months ago) where we both started openly talking about our past and our struggles. I have not met him yet in person, but we have been each others since we started talking. We speak every single day and not a day goes by without us talking/texting. We plan to meet soon but the whole coronavirus pandemic has caused a halt in our planning...

A big issue that we have been having for a few months now is trust. We both have been cheated on in our past relationships which is something we really bonded about and understood. The problem is this distance has it's challenges, we never met so of course we will doubt each other and sometimes doubt what we say. But I try to communicate my best because im somone who expresses everything that is on my mind. However, he is a little reserved and holds things in. So sometimes I don't know what might be bothering him... recently he is convinced that i talk to other guys and am cheating on him. Which is NOT the case at all. I dont talk to anyone or give anyone an impression. And I dont go out or do anything that could be considered supicious. I know its his insecurities but he keeps wanting to break up with me because he is convinced that he knows im doing him wrong.

We are both in a miserable state. Theres only so much one can do from a distance to prove themselves. I cant and wont give up on him. And I cant give up when I know I did nothing. I want to build that trust with him but am not sure how.... guys, this man is the love of my life. I can't let him go, ever.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Sorry to hear you're having issues on top of the global crisis.
As you said, with the distance, there's only so much that you can do. He has to decide whether he wants to throw away what you guys have over his issues, or if he wants to work on it. He can't keep accusing you and threatening to leave over an issue he's created in his mind.

I know what you mean about not being able to let him go. I'm the same with my man too. But he can't treat you that way, it's not fair. You need to call him on it, and ask him if he's going to address his issues, without taking them out on you.

[KoalityLove]

I appreciate you writing back ❤️ a lot of things he keeps telling me is that it's my fault. Or that I make him feel worthless when that isnt the case. I asked him what makes him thing that and he told me his reasons which I could understand. I have had a lot of stress lately with work and financial issues so I can completely see his side of things. The only big problem though is that he keeps assuming that I have cheated OR will cheat on him. And I dont know how to prove to him that I could never do that to him or to anyone. I despise cheating. I have discussed this with him many times, but of course, insecurities get the best of us.

[necrofancy]

This is a rough thing to be going through from a distance and I'm sorry it's happening :/ The unfortunate thing is, with long distance relationships, I've found it's a matter of fully choosing to trust that person or not. The person I'm kind of "seeing" long distance has done nothing to be betray the trust I've come to have in him, but it's my own insecurities that cause me to sit here sometimes and fret about what he's doing, who else he's talking to, if he tells others the things he tells me. Eventually I can lift myself out of these moods, and I remind myself that I chose to trust him, that I truly feel like I can, and to merely have faith in that.

These insecurities of mine had propelled me to express them to him and it lead to good conversation, and I found I could trust his words wholeheartedly. It's good you and your guy were able to honestly talk a few things out. My advice? Maybe ask him what could make this situation easier, for the both of you. Trusting someone from a distance has to be a choice (since we don't yet have that physical proof of action) and he just has to find a way to have some faith in that. At the end of the day though, I wouldn't try to change you, or do things you normally would not in order to appease him. Most of us have cheated or been cheated in, but he should understand circumstances were once different, you know? We always grow as humans and learn from our mistakes (hopefully).

Long distance relationships can be a beautiful thing, especially when we are able to meet those we yearn for. But we should always remain true and real to ourselves, too.

[KoalityLove]

wow, thank you so much for this. I needed to read this today for sure!! I completely agree is all about CHOOSING to trust your partner especially since there is no physical way of proving that. Thank you so much for taking the time to write your reply. I'm hoping things get better and that he realizes exactly what you just mentioned, that neither of us is in fault and that we must choose to trust each other until we can finally be with one another.

[Angel]

To me it just says that you can forgive anything if you truly love the person. If you know the other person loves you and it's worth saving your love. I use Volikov test to check if people are loyal of not. I think when you know that he cheated in his previous relationship and you did it yourself, there's always room for that. It shouldn't be so important in the issue of true love. Love is something unconditional. More than just the physical desire.

[Karz]

Sorry to hear that. There's only so much convincing you can do in ldr. It's all about having trust and believing. If you haven't done anything to deem this amount of mistrust then it's truly unfair. On the other hand, it could be a sign that he is secretly wishing this to be over. May be he is not able to cope with the distance and uncertainty. Not to arouse suspicions in you but...