Don't think bf wants to adjust to living in my location (vent)

[Rezie]

Hello friends,

It has been a while since I've written here but I feel like I needed to start a thread to vent. I'm not sure I will do anything about this, but I need to get it out in a supportive community.

Me and my bf closed the distance temporarely in january. He is doing a university course and is living with me while doing it. We have yet to be able to find a permanent solution to closing the distance that would satisfy us both and it has really taken a toll on our relationship. With this move I was kind of hoping that he would see what it is like to live here and then he could make an informed decision if the lifestyle here is something he would want (we have previsouly talked about him moving, then he freaked out. Then he was ok with the idea again).

The probelm is that I don't think he is giving his all to adjust. I just feel like he is thinking about this as a (self-catering) holiday. I feel like he is not doing the necessary work to make his own life easier. He is doing some so he can function as a partner, but he could be doing more to make himself more comfortable. He is not really willing to figure out how things work and not taking initiative for things outside our little bubble. I've lived abroad and I understand that the adjusting is difficult. Now with the pandemic it adds a whole new layer.

This in turn is freaking me out cause I feel like he has no interest in moving at all. Which is ok, but I feel like it is more ok after making proper effort (if that makes sense). This then makes me anxiously trying to fiure out if I'm truly willing to move and over analyse every behaviour. Which is not fair and it makes me very emotional and hot and cold. This has made me stress about the conversation we need to have in the fall when his course is done. I'm trying to enjoy the moment and not worry about the future.
Argh, annoying. I sometimes wish I could be more go with the flow person.

[Enric]

I think this would be a bit easier to understand with some examples. Why do you think he doesn't want to adjust? Did you expect him to move with more objects? or he doesn't help you? or what's the problem?

[Rezie]

It's hard to explain. It's more a feeling based thing. I'm gonna give some examples but can be that individually they do not make sense. So he wanted to join a gym, but did not google the options until I did it for him. He needed a haircut and there are about 10 places right next to us but he didn't go in to ask for a booking. Not checking the local corona news. Small things like this.
Deep down it is about him not wanting to feel uncomfortable, which I totally understand but it is also necessary sometimes when you move. I'm 100% happy to help with everything but I need him to take a little initiative. I'm trying to balance the fine line between helping him, giving him space and giving a bit of a push. I'm going to give it time an try to be encouraging.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

If he really wants to join a gym or get a haircut, I'd let him sort himself out. If it's a case of social anxiety, particularly regarding the gym, you could suggest you both join.
My man isn't well known for using his initiative either, and it can drive me round the bend. So I have to let things go rather than worry about it. He can take care of himself, though I sometimes have to fight the urge to mother him. I don't want to be his mother.

[Rezie]

oh Atlantic. I 100% agree. A grown adult can sort themselves out if they want something or ask me to help. Since the move is relatively new I'm open to "mothering" more than under normal circumstances. Especailly since I want him to be comfortable here. And he is always grateful. When we lived together in his country I would not do things like this and he showed more initiative (though it's not exactly his strength). So this is definately not something that is part of our normal dynamics. If he was always like this I wouldn't worry about him not "giving his all" (also to be fair, if he was like this always we wouldn't be together)

[Atlantic Crossroads]

That's good to hear. In that case, it sounds like he's adjusting to his new life. Maybe he mentions those things to see if you have recommendations? I'm assuming you know the area better than him?
My guy has asked my opinion on things before because as he put it "I value your opinions highly".
I guess it's like anything else. If something is new to you, you're usually far more wary than you would be with things that you know. I'm not great at stepping into the unknown. Sometimes I never even take a single step!

[Madita961]

Hi,

I'm in a similar situation like your man. I was the one who moved so we could be together and I initially fell into a depression, being so far from the life that I used to love. It was extremely hard to get anything done, I cried my eyes out a lot and he had to soothe me many times. It's hard leaving everything behind and starting a new life. Maybe he's overwhelmed by his feelings and the new situation and can't properly adjust just yet. Also, since he doesn't know that he will stay there long-term he might not want to put too much energy into it. That might seem annoying to you but to really adjust to a new place with all your heart, knowing that you will leave again is painful. Maybe he feels that he doesn't want to make meaningful connections and be sad when he leaves again. Try being a little more understanding. And in order to do that talk to him about his feelings. It makes no sense to me that he's not adjusting well because he wants to make your life and his own life harder.