Demands all my time

[Bkuebutterfly]

Tomorrow, I’m supposed to make a road trip across five States to see my Boyfriend. He’s demanding, all of my time. I’m not allowed to sneak away for even one day, to take care of unfinished Business in my hometown & to pick up things from Storage. He keeps insisting, that I’m a liar if I do- because I told him, the trip is about him. I’ve already made the move & want to get things moved to California. He knew when he met me- I had to stay in California, due to medical issues. I’m sick of the jealousy. It makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me. I’ve never given him reason to feel that way. He says, if I don’t stay for at least 14 days, don’t bother at all. In three years, he’s only come to California once. I’ve tried to go every few months. I even stayed as much as several months once. He’s become more establish there. He expects me, a disabled person- to get a home, job, car- ect, before he comes here. Well- I have. However, I’m not allowed roommates until next year. Is it unfair to think he should be capable of getting a job and even a room to rent- if he wants to be near me- until we can plan something together?

Also- what’s your opinion of him demanding all my time, when I’m there, because he’s gone too long without seeing me.

[DirkJanV]

In a relationship, balance is very important. Unbalance will cause friction over time. Reading your story, I see quite a serious unbalance in the effort each one is putting into the relationship. He seems to only care for his needs and not just dismissing yours, but also make you feel bad for having them. On top his demands seem unreasonable as well. Someone who loves you and wants to be with you should have no problem with putting in effort to make that happen. Things you do out of love don't even feel like effort. You obviously love him a lot. If he really loves you then he should show that to you, not just say it. Maybe not what you want to hear but if I were in your shoes I would have a long and hard look at the relationship. Wish you wisdom and strength.

[MsGrim]

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.. I mean, even in local relationships, you need to have "me time", its just healthy for yourself. When I started my LDR, I didn't necessarily "demand" all of my SO's time, but I definitely wanted to spend every waking moment with him. I've since learned that its okay and very much needed to have your separate time apart as well.. and I mean time throughout the day when we aren't talking and just taking care of our own business. It just makes the time you spend together that much more enjoyable, it gives you something to talk about. Instead of "I just talked to you all day" you get "Well, I did this and that today, this is what I made for dinner, I have to do this tomorrow" etc...

He is in a LDR and he should have thought about your time apart and what it would mean before getting into the relationship. You cant exactly spend every waking moment with him. Some things that stood out to me:
1) "He keeps insisting, that I’m a liar if I do" - I feel like this is mental abuse, my ex always called me a liar and it really took a toll on my mental health because I was never lying and I always had to spend energy in proving that I was telling the truth.
2) "the jealousy" - What exactly is he jealous of??
3) "He says, if I don’t stay for at least 14 days, don’t bother at all" - WHAT?! So if you cant stay for 2 weeks then he doesn't want to see you at all? Shit, I am only able to stay with my SO for a weekend at a time because of my responsibilities at home. This is absurd.

How is he when you two are physically together? Just something to think about, when/if you close the distance, there will be something else that I am sure he will find to complain or accuse you of. Relationships are not at all one sided, he needs to have something to offer the relationship other than what? A place to stay? I know you love and care about him but there has to be more for you to commit your life to this guy. I feel like you need to have a deep discussion with him. Tell him everything on your mind and offer some changes you would like to see for you two to move forward.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I agree with both posts above. No one should ever be telling you how you must live your life. That is never acceptable. You are not property. You are a human being with your own needs, thoughts, and feelings. If he can't accept and respect that, he should be gone. I highly doubt that things would improve. If he's already attempting to exert control over you from a distance, imagine how much more intense it will be under his roof. Will you only be allowed to bathe when he gives you permission? I realise that sounds extreme, but controlling individuals like to expand their power wherever they can, as it boosts their ego. Please be safe, and follow your instincts. They've already served you well by bringing you here to ask for advice.

[OhioJim]

In a relationship, balance is very important. Unbalance will cause friction over time......

The best possible relationship is when each person gives !00% to the other.

Think carefully about that. If each person gives everything to the other, then both will have what they need.

BkueButterfly, it sounds like your SO is asking you to give your 100%, and he is giving you nothing. Are you sure you don't already know what to do, and are here looking for confirmation?

[TaraMarie]

Get out! He's controlling...and who knows what will happen if you don't give in to his demands. Why would you want to have to "sneak away" to take care of personal business? It's time for you to..I've on to greener pastures.

[vivid_idea]

Although I do agree with the above posts, I thought I could offer a slightly different perspective. Perhaps he thinks that because you don't get to spend all of your time together, you are both obliged to spend every minute you have together with each other. Maybe he doesn't understand that it's ok to do some things separately. If he tells you not to bother visiting if it will be less than two weeks, could that be because he is struggling with feelings of missing you and doesn't know how it communicate? I think his behaviour is really bad, but it might be because he doesn't know how to communicate his struggles with LDR.

I would say my SO has a tendency to be a bit controlling, and he worries a lot sometimes. In the past this has caused a lot of tension between us. But I am learning that his controlling tendencies come out when he is feeling worried or scared about something, and he feels powerless to help. If I acknowledge his feelings (by reading in between the lines) and offer him reassurance, then I can almost feel his soul breathing a deep sigh of relief.

Either way, you must talk to your SO and find out why he is behaving this way. If he is unable to have a proper conversation with you about it, or he blames you for everything, then you will know that he doesn't respect you. And how can he properly love you if he doesn't respect you? And how can you love someone who neither loves nor respects you?

Good luck, I hope you resolve things so that you can be happy, either with him, or with someone else.

[Rezie]

Nope. Just nope. This relationship is not healthy and he is controlling.
Calling your partner a liar when they do something else during a visit is not just communication isues. The trip is not about him. It is about your relationship. And if he thinks it's all about him then that is worrying

I didn't really follow the part you your closing the distance plan, so cannot comment on unreasonbleness. But based on the information you wrote, closing the sdistance is not a good plan. I'm not the one to suggest break ups. But seriosuly think if this is teh realtionship for you. You could have a talk on what's up with the jealousy etc. but i'm note sure if it is necessary