My LDR fiance doesn't want me

[Kasia]

I met a guy online 2 years ago. At the beginning it was wonderful, he was really sweet to me, we talked all days. After 6 months of texting he visited me, and it was really the best week of my life, he proposed to me.. The problem is that his work (he owns a pub) didn't allow him to come again. But he begged me to come to him.. And so I did.. 4 times.. After the last time we argued, I started insisting on him to finally make some effort and come.. He promised he would but for 6 months he always had some excuse.. He kept promising he would come and I believed.. Then the pandemic started, they closed the borders, we started talking less and less often.. And few days ago he told me it's not working anymore, it doesn't make sense, he's not that emotionally involved anymore and he wants to devote himself to other things.. I don't know if I should let go or fight... Throughout our relationship I wanted to dump him many times too, I would tell him I hate him, I don't want him etc although I didn't really mean, and he always managed to calm me, he seemed to really love me.. And now this... He doesn't even want a video chat, Idk why he's afraid to tell me things straight to my face... What should I do?

[vivid_idea]

If it's been difficult for some time, and he has said that he doesn't want to video chat, then all you can do is give him some space. LDRs are not easy and it can make it feel a lot worse when you are not getting your needs met and making a lot of demands. It should be enjoyable to interact with each other, despite the distance.

I would definitely give it a week for you to both collect your thoughts and see how you feel. You could reach out to him after that with a nice message about how you miss him and why you think it's worth continuing, if you decide you feel that way. If he loves you still, then he will want to give it another shot.

I've known my SO for almost 2 years too, and we have had some big fights. But we always seem to pull through, in spite of it.

Good luck with the distance, I know it can be really hard when it's not going well. Lots of support here for you though

[xxcazaxx]

Probably not the answer you want to hear, but speaking from experience I think that everyone deserves more than fighting for a relationship that someone doesnt want to be in x

[DaveHV]

Just wanted to acknowledge the feelings of intense stress and confusion you are experiencing with your fiance.

Giving him an ultimatum right before the borders closing might have affected his thinking towards the relationship. COVID-19 has increased everyone's stress levels. If he owns a small-business, the situation has likely impacted his revenue streams deeply.

If you do want to continue to fight for your relationship and he wants to devote himself to other things, I think you can try to encourage him to pursue those interests. Likewise you can tell him of some interests you are actively pursuing. If he can see that you respect yourself, wouldn't he be more inclined to reevaluate his past actions? Who doesn't want to grow together?

For the video chat issue, I would second vivid_idea's suggestion. With all the pressure from COVID-19, why would anyone of us want to add more pressure and mistakenly say and do things we don't mean? Stay positive and in good health.

[Kasia]

Thank you so much! I was even thinking, although I know it sounds desperate, to surprise him and show up at his pub... He will either feel what he used to feel or tell me it's really over

[vivid_idea]

It's not usually a good idea to surprise someone under these sorts of circumstances. He likely will think you aren't respecting his wishes.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

The more you push him when he's stressed, the further you'll likely drive him away. I speak from personal experience. Even though it's incredibly hard, you have to give him some space. If you don't, you could run the risk of losing him. I had to keep reminding myself of that, because that was actually my biggest fear of all. So if leaving him be is what you need to do, then you do have to do it or risk the consequences.