Ex Wife Advice

[lisaar910]

I'm not sure I need advice as much as a little confirmation. Here's some background info on the situation:

Will and his ex wife separated over a year ago, and their divorce has been final for over 6 months now. When they separated, he changed his phone number and moved. He didn't give her any of his new information. All contact about the divorce proceedings and anything they had to take care of to divide property was through either her friend or aunt and uncle who she lived/lives with (not sure if she still lives with them but it's irrelevant). They never had children so it wasn't necessary to have any further contact once the divorce was final. When he filed for divorce, he opened a new checking account and left the joint checking account he had with his ex wife open so she could transfer her funds out of the account and open a new one. He told her aunt and uncle about all of this when it happened.

The joint checking account is STILL open. A month ago, he contacted her aunt and told her he was going to close the account in a month (today), giving his ex wife plenty of time to take care of anything she had in the account. He checked the account this morning, and she still has $1600 in the account. She made a sizable transfer to another bank account within the last month, but she never transferred the whole balance out. He text messaged me when he saw this to tell me he was just going to wait until next week and not mess with it today. I understand wanting to put it off, especially since he's excited about coming to see me tomorrow and doesn't want this to ruin any of that, but I feel like he needs to be firm and stand up for himself about this. I called him when I got out of class and told him that I think he should call her aunt and tell her he's going to close the account today and send her a money order for the balance of the account since he gave her more than enough time to take care of this. I also told him to send a letter with the money order stating that he gave them a month's notice and that he's enclosed a money order for $1600 and to keep a copy of the letter. I don't think they would come back with any kind of legal actions against him but better safe than sorry. He agreed and called her aunt and had to leave a message because she didn't answer. I'm hoping this is the last he has to hear about this, but I'm a little worried it's going to be big drama.

The only potential problem I'm worried about is that there could be outstanding charges on the account, and when they hit the account, it'll go negative, which he would be liable for if she didn't take care of it. (I'm sure you can already tell she's not the most reliable person.) I know it's just money, but we're trying to save money for our future. I think that's the only real problem that could come out of this, but if anyone could come up with a way to complicate this, she would.

This is the very last thing that has to be settled before he can finally move on completely from this nightmare, and I'm so ready for it to just be over. She has unnecessarily complicated every step of this process, and he gets so stressed about it.

[Silviar]

It's frustrating to be in your position. The biggest problem is you honestly can't do anything about it - he has to handle it himself. Be his sounding board, listen, and so on, but don't engage with 'helping' - it'll only end up backfiring if you take charge.

I think your response was a good one, and if it came to her needing to pay the charges, he can just bring it up to his lawyer and have his lawyer handle it.

[lisaar910]

Yeah I know my boundaries, and I've been there for him through this whole thing. I might make it sound like I'm interfering or pushing him into something he doesn't want to do, but it's difficult to explain any other way. It's a very complicated situation, but one of the main reasons he left her was because she was very dominant (for lack of better words). She completely controlled his life, and he eventually just stopped fighting because it was easier for him. She tried to walk all over him during the whole divorce process, and mostly, he let her. His family and I have helped him stand up for himself along the way. I'm not sure how else to explain the situation without going into every detail of his life with her, but hopefully that helps understand it a little more. He's a much stronger person now that he's away from her, but I think he still reverts back to that attitude or way of thinking when it comes to her because of all the pain he's experienced.

[Silviar]

It's ok, no explanation necessary. It sounds to me like you've been doing a great job with the boundaries; I meant to say keep that up. I know it's tempting to take over.

It's funny - I'm on the opposite fence. I was my ex's second wife, and I had to take over because he wouldn't do anything. But even though that was the case, I know he's painted me as a woman who controlled his life and then cheated on him to all of his little buddies/family. I don't disagree with your partner's perspective at all, but I sometimes think if we new partners could talk to the ex-spouses in a realistic, educational way, we'd probably learn so very much. Assuming the ex could talk fairly about their ex-partner. XD

[lisaar910]

I agree! I always try to take someone's opinions of someone as just that: opinions. It's just their perspective. I've been able to form my own opinions of his ex wife (lucky me?? lol) because Will and I were friends for 2 years before they separated, and on several occasions I witnessed her cruelty. I'm just happy he's out of that environment and happy again. Whether he's with me or not, all I want is for him to be happy. Thankfully he's with me AND happy though!

I'm sorry you had to go through a divorce. I don't think there's such a thing as an easy divorce. I'd hate to think he'd say bad things about you, but people do what they've got to do to feel better about themselves I guess. I'm sure Will's ex wife has nothing good to say about him either and probably gets really creative with her side of the story.

[Mio]

Hope everything turns out good!

[Karringtyn]

Your hands are tied so to speak. Be there...listen to him...but when it comes to his ex...best left unsaid. I know this all too well. After all I am AN EX WIFE.....but we have children so the situation is different...

Vent away my dear! We are all here to encourage you.....

[seshei]

Could he close out the account, and hold on to that $1600 for 30 days or so to allow for the possibility that something is still outstanding on the account? That way, if something does come through, and there are fees associated with it, he can pay that from the money he's holding, and send the balance at the end of the 30 days? As you said, he did give her plenty of time to sort things out. She did transfer most of her money out of the account. The $1600 may have been left to cover things that are still out there. I'd tell her the account is closed, and as a safeguard, she'll get the balance of the $1600 after 30 days to cover any charges she's incurred. If there is anything, an itemized accounting of that, along with the balance, should be sufficient to cover himself.

[lisaar910]

Could he close out the account, and hold on to that $1600 for 30 days or so to allow for the possibility that something is still outstanding on the account? That way, if something does come through, and there are fees associated with it, he can pay that from the money he's holding, and send the balance at the end of the 30 days? As you said, he did give her plenty of time to sort things out. She did transfer most of her money out of the account. The $1600 may have been left to cover things that are still out there. I'd tell her the account is closed, and as a safeguard, she'll get the balance of the $1600 after 30 days to cover any charges she's incurred. If there is anything, an itemized accounting of that, along with the balance, should be sufficient to cover himself.

While I think this is a good idea, I wouldn't encourage him to do that because she'd freak out. I'd rather keep her as happy as possible so she doesn't take anything out on Will.

[lisaar910]

Ooooh update!! Will just texted me to say that her aunt called back and said to go ahead and close the account (not that she really had a choice). The possible outstanding charges is still an issue, but at least they're being civil about closing the account so if a problem comes up maybe they'll be civil about that as well. *cross fingers*

[Karringtyn]

good news!

[Caitlin2009]

Yeah I know my boundaries, and I've been there for him through this whole thing. I might make it sound like I'm interfering or pushing him into something he doesn't want to do, but it's difficult to explain any other way. It's a very complicated situation, but one of the main reasons he left her was because she was very dominant (for lack of better words). She completely controlled his life, and he eventually just stopped fighting because it was easier for him. She tried to walk all over him during the whole divorce process, and mostly, he let her. His family and I have helped him stand up for himself along the way. I'm not sure how else to explain the situation without going into every detail of his life with her, but hopefully that helps understand it a little more. He's a much stronger person now that he's away from her, but I think he still reverts back to that attitude or way of thinking when it comes to her because of all the pain he's experienced.

i think if you were in a situation like you occasionly will go back to being like that a little bit, i know i was always so on guard, and always tense with my ex because he was forever cheating on me and emotionally abusive, and sometimes i'll kinda go back to being like that but not as much as i used to, ive changed so much within a year. He knows your not gonna be like her so no reason not to keep reminding him not to let her walk all over him still which she is still doing and continuing to mess with his head by only taking out some of the money, she knows what she did but she wants to mess with him to control him, he needs to confront her and tell her to withdraw the rest of the money and close the account because shes gonna keep messing with him if he doesnt do that

[Silviar]

I have to say, his ex sounds like a wimp. Who leaves their aunt to pass messages on to the person? Sheesh.

[lisaar910]

I have to say, his ex sounds like a wimp. Who leaves their aunt to pass messages on to the person? Sheesh.

I agree. I think Will prefers talking to her aunt though lol. Sometimes it's a real pain because they relay messages back and forth so there's some waiting time, but this is almost over. He just has to get through this last little thing, and she'll be out of the picture for good.

[lisaar910]

i think if you were in a situation like you occasionly will go back to being like that a little bit, i know i was always so on guard, and always tense with my ex because he was forever cheating on me and emotionally abusive, and sometimes i'll kinda go back to being like that but not as much as i used to, ive changed so much within a year. He knows your not gonna be like her so no reason not to keep reminding him not to let her walk all over him still which she is still doing and continuing to mess with his head by only taking out some of the money, she knows what she did but she wants to mess with him to control him, he needs to confront her and tell her to withdraw the rest of the money and close the account because shes gonna keep messing with him if he doesnt do that

Yeah I think it's completely natural to revert back to the way he used to act with her when he deals with her now. He's grown so much since being away from her. He used to be depressed all the time and had a very low self esteem. He shared thoughts with me back then that were things a person should never feel about themselves, but he's so positive now. I'm really proud of him for getting away from that and working so hard to improve his life.