I just can't cope with anything anymore. I can't cope with not being able to visit. I can't cope with having nothing physically from my SO (a handmade card, note, or even a t shirt). I can't cope with the constant problems on his side. I can't cope with the isolation. I can't cope with the hopelessness. I can't cope with trying to save. I can't cope with my health deteriorating. I can't cope with the lack of sleep. I can't cope with the lack of connection with people. I can't cope with social media. I can't cope with connection problems. I can't cope with this flat. I can't cope with trying to do everything all the time. I can't hold us together with grand plans and forced positivity. I can't cope bearing the responsibility of earning enough for 5.5 years to enable him to be with me. I can't cope with the idea of moving countries again. I can't cope with feeling guilty every day about everything that I can't do, because when it comes down to it I actually can't achieve anything I need or want.
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Last edited by Atlantic Crossroads; July 14, 2020, 12:06 PM. -
Have you talked to him about this? I know he has he issues as you’ve mentioned but at some point he has to step up and support you. I remember telling you earlier you would burn out if you didn’t go easy on yourself. Sounds like that it what it happening. I know you want to be the rock for him but he also needs to be prepared to do that for you. I mean I know things are tough globally right now but you’ve still found ways to push on and keep going. He needs to help carry some of the load with you. That’s what being in a relationship is about. Try to take a back seat from everything for a few days and let yourself rest. There’s no shame in not coping you need to allow yourself to rest or this burn out could become a full on break down. Put you first for a change!
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How? I can't wave a magic wand to allow us to visit or magically have money to close the distance. I can't make my mental and physical health issues better. The only thing I can change is wether I'm in a relationship that is destroying me physically and mentally with stress. There isn't anything he can do that will fix this.Comment
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We all feel (somewhat) like this sometimes. Long distance relationships are hard, the pandemic makes it harder...
You've been together for a long time, you're so close to reach it. There's no easy solution for everything, yet I think you can talk to your SO and make a few changes to feel a bit better.Why am I always trying the impossible?Comment
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Maybe you need to consider if this is worth the toll it’s taking on your health. I know that may sound harsh but if it’s impacting you this much you need to see if this is something you can continue to do especially with the pandemic making the rest of this year so uncertain.It doesn’t matter if he can be there or not a relationship is about communication. Sometimes even talking about it to your partner can take a weight off your shoulders. Sometimes things can’t be fixed like pandemics and it’s does test our resolve as humans. Just know as hard as this is, it will pass and you are not alone in feeling this way as there are many people separated from their loved ones. Life isn’t easy or fair at times but you need to surround yourself with a support network that you can turn to when you feel like you can’t cope such as doctors, therapists and family and friends. If your SO isn’t part of that support network due to all the things he has going on then that’s ok. But you should at least be able to talk to him about how you’re feeling so he’s aware as you don’t want to end up snapping at him because you’re overwhelmed. Even if you say something along the lines of “I don’t want or expect you fix this I just want you to listen to me as I get off my chest how I’m feeling.” Maybe a conversation like that would make you feel a lot better. I know your plans have stalled for now but there are still positives to look forward to like your wedding and closing the distance. Try focusing on the good things you will get to do and experience together once this situation is all over.Originally posted by Atlantic Crossroads View PostLast edited by Redheart14; July 15, 2020, 08:51 PM.
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We did talk until 5am. I do feel a bit better now, but I know it's short lived.
Since all this happened, I've seen my therapist once. I have no family. I don't consider myself to even have friends. I have one group that I go to once a week, and the rest of the time I'm on my own at home with no job to break up my day. If we ever want to close the distance, I have to get a job despite not being mentally capable to hold it for 5.5 years in order to meet the financial requirements for us to stay together. Any money he earns is irrelevant in the equation, so the entirety of our future rests on my shoulders. Combining that with having been apart for over a year, the stuff going on in his state, a global pandemic and my depleting savings...is it any wonder I'm at this point.
The only thing I can possibly change is to see my therapist sooner than next week, but that's only one element.
Edit: I'm now seeing my therapist tomo morning. So that's something.Comment
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At least you talked and feel a bit better. The job market is extremely tough right now especially with the pandemic. I’m sure as things ease something will come up soon. Don’t let your ability to hold a job in the past impact your thoughts now. I’m sure you’ll have a burning desire to do well to secure your future together. Having something to work for makes things seem more purposeful. I’m glad you’re seeing your therapist hopefully that will help too. Look after yourself.Originally posted by Atlantic Crossroads View Post
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That's a very good point about purpose. I'd do anything for him, no matter how tough.
I have been thinking about it more today, and I'm not certain I do have to do all the earning. I will initially for the first visa, before he moves over. But after that, if he's working too, then we should be able to split the financial requirements between our earnings. I'm not certain about that though, but I will definitely check as that would be a huge weight off my shoulders.
In other news, he's prepared a parcel for me which I'm really excited about.
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Glad you are seeing your therapist today, hope it goes well. As someone who suffers from anxiety, I know that for me lack of sleep can make it so much worse and then its easy to get into a vicious cycle where because of the anxiety you then can't sleep. Can you have a day of just doing nice things for you? Maybe buy yourself some flowers (Lidl do gorgeous bunches that are really cheap), go for a walk or run and then have a nice bath maybe with a book. Is it also worth speaking to a doctors about medication (i'm not sure if therapists can deal with this too) x
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I have a few diagnoses: depression, borderline personality, anxiety, ocd. I'm also being investigated for PCOS which throws most other systems off as well.Originally posted by xxcazaxx View Post
My therapist can't, but my Dr can. My therapist got the date with the Dr, and mentioned an antihistamine that works well for sleep that the Dr could prescribe for me. So we'll see what happens.Comment
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Atlantic Crossroads, ask your doctor about taking vitamin B supplements. Particularly B-12.
It pretty much eliminated my anxiety problem. What is left I can deal with.Comment
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Funnily enough, I do already take a B vitamin complex. Though I will confess to not being consistent with it. I have now put it somewhere where I can see them first thing, so that should help.Originally posted by OhioJim View Post
Last edited by Atlantic Crossroads; July 18, 2020, 03:42 PM.Comment
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How many different pills do you take each day? Besides vitamins I take pills for blood pressure, prostate, and severe heartburn.Originally posted by Atlantic Crossroads View PostFunnily enough, I do already take a B vitamin complex. Though I will confess to not being consistent with it. I have now put it somewhere where I can see them first thing, so that should help.
Get yourself a 7-day plastic pill strip and make it up a week at a time. That is what I do and it helps, except every so often I am so tired I forget my bed time pills but see that the next morning as a reminder to not skip it again.Comment
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I have a few different supplements. There's 6 separate ones, I think. I do have a pill strip somewhere, but I stopped refilling it as I couldn't afford the supplements long term. If I had any interest in cooking and eating it would be easier, but with my mental health currently it's mostly prepackaged junk as that's easier when you're constantly overwhelmed and exhausted.Originally posted by OhioJim View Post
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Why don’t you try meal prepping and freezing healthy meals. Then when you’re exhausted you can pull out something nutritious with zero thought or effort and will save money long term which you can use to fund other things. A few hours of cooking can take a whole week of pressure off.
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