Who to turn to?

[Puramu]

Well, usually when you're sad or upset about something, who do you usually turn to first to be comforted? Your SO most likely, well...I have a problem in that area.

I have issues and I usually become depressed for no reason, so I usually try to turn to my SO to feel better. Sometimes he makes me feel better, sometimes he doesn't. A lot of the time he knows I'm upset, try to cheer me up (which I'm very difficult to cheer up) and then if it doesn't work he kind of gives up and leaves.

Well that's pretty mean isn't it? Well, the reason for that is he doesn't know what to do really. Ok, that's an excuse. But the second reason is he gets annoyed whenever I get depressed. Um, what? He almost always brings this up during some arguments, about how I'm ALWAYS depressed and how annoying it is. Gosh, that hurts.

The reason I may seem like I'm always depressed is because whenever I'm sad I automatically go to him for comfort. I don't mean to be sad all the time, it just happens . I've tried to be cautious about being depressed around him, but it's not working much at all. I've tried going to my friends when I'm sad, but it's just not the same, I want him!

Yes I have let him know that I automatically go to him first whenever I'm sad, is it really such a crime? And what's up with the not talking to me for 2 hours for no reason, knowing full well I'm upset, then coming back and asking how I'm feeling? Um, aweful! I don't know, maybe I do need to see a counselor or something...

[Micah]

I think that sometimes men get upset simply because they cannot "fix" the problem. It's not that he doesn't care, I am sure it just annoys him that he can't help or fix what is making you depressed. I know that if I am upset about something, I tell my SO about it, and he usually says that he wishes he could help. I typically tell him that just listening to me is help enough and that I don't expect him to fix the problem. I also stress that I appreciate that he was listening to what was on my mind, so that he feels like he is contributing in some way. Maybe if you just let your SO know that you appreciate him being there for you and that you don't expect him to provide you with a solution just to lend an ear, he will be more open to being there for you when you are in a depressed state.

[Čternity]

From what you've said, it's an ongoing issue over quite a bit of time. He's tried his best to help and it's probably a bit beyond him because it's not getting 'fixed'. It doesn't mean he doesn't care just that he doesn't know what to do anymore.

While we like to think we can always share our burdens with our SOs, sometimes it's beyond what they can do to help. It's probably best to see an outside professional, to give you some perspective on this. This could be a doctor, a counselor or someone more spiritual if you have a faith.

[Mio]

.Hope you can get some help with your constant depression, I know it must be a burden for both of you.

[LadyMarchHare]

I think that sometimes men get upset simply because they cannot "fix" the problem. It's not that he doesn't care, I am sure it just annoys him that he can't help or fix what is making you depressed. I know that if I am upset about something, I tell my SO about it, and he usually says that he wishes he could help. I typically tell him that just listening to me is help enough and that I don't expect him to fix the problem. I also stress that I appreciate that he was listening to what was on my mind, so that he feels like he is contributing in some way. Maybe if you just let your SO know that you appreciate him being there for you and that you don't expect him to provide you with a solution just to lend an ear, he will be more open to being there for you when you are in a depressed state.

This is true. Men are problem solvers by design and depression doesn't fix easily, even situational depression.

Another thing is, it's very hard to understand how someone with depression feels unless they've been through it themselves because depression's more than sadness. My mom gets the same way with me and I know it's not because she doesn't care, it's simply she doesn't understand and therefore can't provide the relief needed that we often don't even know what it is ourselves. All we know is we want to feel better, but we want someone to either help or do it for us. It's frustrating, but you kinda have to look at both sides before you can go assuming it's because of x and x.

[Moon]

Everybody else is right, men are the "fixers", and when they can't fix it, they feel useless and shut down a little. Their emotions just work differently. You might want to mention to him first that you don't need him to fix anything, but to just listen to you. Some guys just suck at comforting, they can't help it, especially when they can't throw in that good ol' default hug I would try to not depend on him for comforting you 100%, but talk to him about it and when he tries, tell him what he did right. Eventually he'll get more comfortable in that role and do a better job.

[Andy]

From a guy's point of view, it is frustrating. Tanja went through a period of being depressed for a few months last year and it was hard not being able to "cheer her up," it's not easy getting your head round the fact that sometimes they don't want to be cheered up, they just want you to listen, or reassure them. Some nights she just wanted me to be there, that made her feel a bit better sometimes, even if we didn't say a word to each other.

It didn't help that I was the only person she opened up to, she couldn't really talk to any of her friends about how she was feeling like she did with me. Is there any of your friends you could talk to?

[Karringtyn]

Imagine if you were in his shoes. And you tried everything you could to "fix" him...and it didn't work. That he still was sad and you couldn't cheer him up. I am sure you would be frustrated...

I have lived a life full of depression. I was very co-dependant on my ex....not even realizing I was doing so...but I wanted him to fix everything...and when he couldnt (of COURSE he couldn't)...it was a viscious cycle. I encourage you to reach out and talk to someone. You will find a HUGE sense of relief when doing so, your relationship will flourish, and life will become sensible again.

I wish you the best hon. If you ever need someone to just talk to..message me...like I said..I have been there. This is the true reason why I am going to school for counseling...

[Caidsys]

Reese gets depressed quite a bit so do I. While I know I can't do much when he's in that sort of pain I still do all I can and I always make sure he knows I'm not bothered by being there for him. The other night I fell asleep at my computer because he was feeling particularly awful and I didn't want to leave him to suffer on his own. When I'm depressed it takes me a lot to tell Reese not because I don't want to but because of how I was raised which was to put it nicely to suck it up and deal with things on my own. Which anyone who suffers from depression knows that holding it inside makes it much worse.

You also have to consider it's really hard to see your SO in so much pain and not be able to do much else other then be there for them. I know when Reese is down not only am I down too, but I have a very hard time not just blaming myself or getting frustrated because I can't make everything better for him. I realize he needs me in times like that though just like I need him when I'm feeling that down so even if I can't say or do anything to make him feel better I make sure to stay with him either on Skype or im until he seems like he's okay. So far this has worked a lot better then the first week when I tried to fix everything for him or just blame myself.

I think seeing someone about your depression and getting help would do a great deal of good for you and your SO. My depression is mostly dysphoria which I can't do much about until I can start physically transtioning, but sometimes even just therapy can help depression or even medication if worst comes to worst. I know a great deal of people who anti depressants have done wonders for there's nothing wrong with having to take them despite what some of society may think.