I just entered into an international relationship, and its all new to me.

[amm7s]

Hey all!

As the title says, I have just entered into a new relationship that will soon be international. I live in the United States, and she lives in the Philippines. She is currently here in the United States, she came over in November to visit some family for the holidays. She was supposed to leave in March, but COVID obviously had different plans. I met her back in August, we started chatting on a dating app, and soon met in person. She told me right away that she will be leaving soon - within a couple months - but as we have both been spending time with each other we have developed feelings for each other, and we have decided to enter into a relationship together and attempt the long distance when she leaves.

I am very happy with her. While I am wrapped up in the excitement of a new relationship, I do believe I can objectively say this is the best dating experience I've had in my life, and I feel for her a way that I have never felt about anyone else before. Without trying to overstate it, I do believe that our relationship has real potential, with her I want to be around her in ways I havent wanted to be around past dates and relationships, and I receive effort and attention and affection from her in ways that I never have before. It has been a truly mutual pairing between us, and I'm excited to see where it can go.

The difficulty, beyond our coming distance, is that we are unsure of how long the distance will be. She would like to move here permanently, as she does have some family here and she likes it here, but when she goes back she doesn't know how long it will be until she can come back. She has applied for her visa extension, which will allow her to stay until November, but she also feels hesitant about staying right up until her expiration, as she wonders if that may look bad on her trying to come back later. There is also the fact that she has never received a decision about her extension, so while to my understanding of US immigration law she is currently here legally, she is worried that if her request is denied, she will then be considered to have been here *illegally, barring her from returning in the future. This would obviously put a damper on our relationship, as well as her ability to come back and see her family.

Since this is the place to discuss long distance relationships, I was wondering if anyone is familiar with immigration law in the US, and can elaborate on what sorts of consequences she may potentially face?

I'm also kind of open to just advice on long distance and international relationships in general. Relationships are new to me. Most of my dating life has been failed attempts at relationships that fizzle out after a couple weeks or so, and even the committed relationships I have been in haven't lasted long term and didn't always have the potential that I feel with this one. I am old enough (37, same age as my new girlfriend) to have learned a lot about what I need and want in relationships and how to express that, but still inexperienced enough in relationships that, despite intentions, I may not always know what to give or how to be an active partner in a relationship. I do know and agree with certain common LDR advice like have an end date in mind (we have discussed the potential worst case scenarios and how long we are generally preparing for), and that communication and honesty are key in relationships period (we have both been completely open books with each other, about our pasts, what we want for our futures, our expectations - or lack thereof - for the relationship, and how we want to proceed, and we have been in absolute agreement about what we see for our relationship), but a lot of this is going to be a brand new experience for me, and then adding the additional challenge of an international relationship on top of that. While we are both doing our best to keep a level head about everything, there are some very real considerations her and i will have to encounter if we want our relationship to work.

What I do know is that her and I want to be together, and we want to find out together if our relationship can endure this challenge and make it.

What I don't know are some of the technicalities of how a relationship like this may practically function, in regards to options for her to come back, especially considering her current situation.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for any feedback or words of encouragement!

[MsGrim]

Hello!

Unfortunately, I don't have any recommendations or advice on the international aspect but I am sure someone here can enlighten you. But as far as general advice goes I hope I can help a little lol!

It sounds like you two are already on the right track to making this a lasting relationship. Communication and being on the same page is where the money is it builds a strong foundation for the relationship, which is something you really need to make it work through the distance. You don't need to always worry about the uncertainty of what to give in the relationship. She should be communicating with you enough to give you all of those answers, and it sounds like she already is!

Always, always, always talk to each other about wants, needs, and your expectations throughout your relationship. For example, when she leaves, you both need to find a common ground on how much you expect to talk throughout the day. There will be days when either of you are super busy and you won't have a lot of time to hang out. A lot of people find it useful to schedule virtual dates or calls when schedules become busy. This helps relieve some anxiety such as "when am I going to talk to them again, where are they, I feel like we haven't talked much lately"

Unforeseen circumstances are bound to happen. Support and lean on each other. Not sure about yours or her family, but most of the time our circle of friends and family can't really relate on the obstacles of a LDR (thank God this forum exists because I have found a ton of support here from people who are in like situations where I haven't been able to find the same support from friends and family). You are both mature enough to endure this kind of thing. If you both really want it to work, then it will work!

[OhioJim]

The only thing I can add to what MsGrim said, is that among all the countries that have internet the Philippines is the worst.

This adds to the problems of communicating over a long distance. Unless your SO is fortunate, expect to have a lot of drop outs and internet outages. Not to mention being slow.

I know this from experience. My SO is currently in the Philippines because of her family. We would love to video chat but the connection is not good enough so we are only doing text messages for a few hours a day, with occasional still pictures.

[autumn1790]

Visajourney dot com is an incredible resource for all things visa and immigration related. I would look around that forum and maybe pose your question there as many people on that forum have been through it all and understand the legal codes. Best wishes!

[amm7s]

Hello!

Unfortunately, I don't have any recommendations or advice on the international aspect but I am sure someone here can enlighten you. But as far as general advice goes I hope I can help a little lol!

It sounds like you two are already on the right track to making this a lasting relationship. Communication and being on the same page is where the money is it builds a strong foundation for the relationship, which is something you really need to make it work through the distance. You don't need to always worry about the uncertainty of what to give in the relationship. She should be communicating with you enough to give you all of those answers, and it sounds like she already is!

Always, always, always talk to each other about wants, needs, and your expectations throughout your relationship. For example, when she leaves, you both need to find a common ground on how much you expect to talk throughout the day. There will be days when either of you are super busy and you won't have a lot of time to hang out. A lot of people find it useful to schedule virtual dates or calls when schedules become busy. This helps relieve some anxiety such as "when am I going to talk to them again, where are they, I feel like we haven't talked much lately"

Unforeseen circumstances are bound to happen. Support and lean on each other. Not sure about yours or her family, but most of the time our circle of friends and family can't really relate on the obstacles of a LDR (thank God this forum exists because I have found a ton of support here from people who are in like situations where I haven't been able to find the same support from friends and family). You are both mature enough to endure this kind of thing. If you both really want it to work, then it will work!

Thank you for the words! It is helpful.

I do agree that communication is so key, and I do agree that ours has been very good so far. When her and I first met, and I was aware of her situation, I was hesitant and skeptical. In most situations, someone leaving to go back to another country that they live in would have been a deal breaker. But very early on, we had some very open communication, and those talks not only really changed how I saw her (in a positive way), but they also made me feel comfortable about our situation, and progressing forward with it. We admittedly very nearly broke up (she said she liked me too much, and was afraid of getting attached to me and being heart broken when she got on the plane if that would be the end), but we were able to continue to have some strong communication with each other and better understand each other, and shortly afterwards, we both decided that we wanted to fully enter into this relationship. We still do have some time together before she goes - about a month or so - so we are going to just enjoy the time the best we can, and do our best while she is gone, and hopefully her concerns with her visa and stuff won't harm her ability to come back in the future. But beyond that, I do agree that communication will be the most important factor, and I do believe it has been there between us. On both sides, both of us have been pretty clear with what our expectations for the relationship will be going forward, what we expect from the other person, and where we see our relationship currently, and the good news is that everything that each of us has communicated is in line with the other's expectations as well. This is certainly an overwhelming experience for me, given my history with relationships in general, and now entering one that will span the entire globe, but our talks have absolutely made me feel far more comfortable with it and made me feel like this is a good thing that could very well be worth the effort and risk.

As far as family and friends go, I'm actually very lucky to have a number of close friends in my circle that have done distance in some capacity. Most of it domestically within the US, but still some pretty large distances for some extended periods of time. So I have a number of friends that can relate and understand what I'm going through. As far as her family, the only feelings that I know about our situation is her sister, whom she is living with currently, who isn't so much upset at me or our distance, but is hesitant about her dating period, as she is worried about dangerous men that can so commonly be found on dating apps like we met on. It is understandable. It is frustrating, because we are both in our mid-30's and dating with a curfew lol, but my girlfriend has kind of self imposed the curfew on herself because she wants to be respectful of her sister's wishes to not be out late at night, since she is living under her sister's roof. But I don't know how her sister or anyone else in the family feels about the distance or anything.

The only thing I can add to what MsGrim said, is that among all the countries that have internet the Philippines is the worst.

This adds to the problems of communicating over a long distance. Unless your SO is fortunate, expect to have a lot of drop outs and internet outages. Not to mention being slow.

I know this from experience. My SO is currently in the Philippines because of her family. We would love to video chat but the connection is not good enough so we are only doing text messages for a few hours a day, with occasional still pictures.

That is good to know. I do know that she is fairly well off (not "rich", but good employment and home life) and also spends a lot of time in Malaysia as well for her work. I don't know how Malaysia is, maybe that will make video calls a bit better?

Visajourney dot com is an incredible resource for all things visa and immigration related. I would look around that forum and maybe pose your question there as many people on that forum have been through it all and understand the legal codes. Best wishes!

Thank you for that! I will take a look there as well.

[OhioJim]

That is good to know. I do know that she is fairly well off (not "rich", but good employment and home life) and also spends a lot of time in Malaysia as well for her work. I don't know how Malaysia is, maybe that will make video calls a bit better?

What I meant was if your SO is fortunate enough to have a good reliable internet connection. If she is "well off" as you say, she could probably afford a more reliable one.

My SO has to rely on a community WiFi at her mother's house, which keeps dropping out every time it rains---which is a lot this time of year!

[amm7s]

As an update - her departure date is coming up - 2 weeks from today - and it's really starting to hit me that she's leaving. I've tried not to show her too much, because she says she doesn't want me to worry about future visas and all that, and since she is stressing out as well, I want to be the optimistic one for us and try to keep everything fun and enjoyable with us. I'm not stressing whether our relationship will survive or not, I am actually very confident that it will. It's just the normal feelings of us being apart for each other for an indefinite amount of time that she worries may be as long as a year, or who knows what may happen between now and then and if something comes up that keeps us apart for even longer.

We have talked about ways to keep our relationship going through the distance, and have already talked about possible travel plans once COVID restrictions die down a bit, either for me to visit her in the Philippines or for us to pick a different country to meet up in and visit. I really do think we'll be able to make it work, but that doesn't change the fact that it will be hard, and it's definitely starting to hit me that she's gonna be gone.