newly distanced

[sadandconfused]

Hi everyone I some advice and guidance and don’t know where else to go.

My partner just left yesterday to study in another country. We knew this day would come for quite some time now and had a lot of opportunity to get everything in order and say goodbye. I knew it would be hard to deal with but guys, as I’m sure you know (and I probably sound so dumb right now), it’s so much harder than I thought it would be.

I have some history with mental illness but had been doing better this past year (all things considered with the state of the world right now). I just can’t stop crying, I can’t focus on school or house stuff and it’s only been one day. How am I going to get through this? Is it normal to have such a strong reaction this soon after being apart? Are there good techniques for lessening these depressed feelings? I really don’t want to go back on medication.

I tried to distract myself with movies, music etc but it just made me more sad, I saw my friends last night, and it was nice but I have issues with social anxiety and the whole thing just felt off without my partner there. We have been together for almost 4 years, and living together for half that time, so the separation is very apparent.

Sorry if this sounds entitled, I don’t want to upset anyone because it is so new and I’m sure the worst of it is still to come. But this is such a dramatic shift for me I am kind of freaking out, and I am already behind in school because of it. Any help is appreciated thank you.

TL/DR: My partner just left and it is hitting me harder than I thought. Does anyone have any tips for how to deal with new LDR depression?

[OhioJim]

It should give you comfort to know that you are not alone! There are many other couples on this forum with the same problem, or worse.

Some on here have not seen their SO for months or years. With me it is 17 months now.

The advice I can give is to keep up the communication with your partner. Text, video, and still pictures. Take pictures or short videos of things you see or do that you think he/she will like. Let him/her know what you are doing during the day. Always say good night or good morning, even if you don't get an immediate response.

If your partner is studying in another country, be mindful of the time difference and his/hers school schedule. He/she may not be able to spend much time communicating due to being busy with studys.

As for your medication, you could try something as simple as taking vitamins. I take a vitamin B complex pill twice a day, and found it almost completely eliminated my anxiety and worry. What is left I can deal with.

Above all, keep active. Don't sit around worrying. I know that can be hard, but with practice it gets easier.

[MsGrim]

Hello! And welcome <3

I just can’t stop crying, I can’t focus on school or house stuff and it’s only been one day. How am I going to get through this? Is it normal to have such a strong reaction this soon after being apart? Are there good techniques for lessening these depressed feelings?

I personally think this is the most painful time... My SO and met online so we didn't have that initial "leaving" period where we were together before and then we were not. I can speak on the feelings I have after a visit is over and I am heading home again. It just feels terrible. I promise you, though, you will learn how to cope with this. It may take some time but once you get in your new routine without him and you two get in the LDR groove, it won't be so bad. After a visit, I allow myself up to a week to "grieve" him. Once that week is up, I snap back into reality and start looking forward to future plans. It may take you a little longer than a week initially because this is new, but you will soon get there.

I tried to distract myself with movies, music etc but it just made me more sad, I saw my friends last night, and it was nice but I have issues with social anxiety and the whole thing just felt off without my partner there.

This is probably one of the best things you can do. Make sure you don't stop living your life, that you don't start to revolve your world only around your relationship. Your friends and family may not know exactly what you are going through, but seriously, utilize them as an emotional support system. They can really be a great distraction!

Sorry if this sounds entitled, I don’t want to upset anyone because it is so new and I’m sure the worst of it is still to come. But this is such a dramatic shift for me I am kind of freaking out

You do not sound entitled.. Everyone of us has a right to be upset, worried, concerned about our own personal relationships. The predicaments, better or worse, of everyone else's relationship does not define how you should feel about yours. My SO is only a few hundred miles away. Does the couple who are separated by 1000+ miles have it worse? Probably.. Does that make me feel bad that my SO is closer than theirs? Nope! In the end, I'm not with my SO either.

This is a pretty supporting community, and I don't think anyone is going to get offended by you venting here.. That's why this forum exists.

TIPS: Stay positive. This is a pretty shitty situation (given COVID) but those who want to make it work, will make it work. It takes a LOT of communication between you and your SO, keep that in mind. Make time for each other, even when your schedules are pretty busy. Make time for calls and messages, be involved with each others day. My SO and I literally talk about everything, no matter how small or big something may be. It just makes us feel close.

Remember, your SO is going through this too. Sometimes frustration and anger can arise from the distance but please keep in mind that you are not mad at him, you are mad at the situation so try not to take your ill feelings out on him. Don't freak out. Breath.

I would also like to say that the distance has taught me to love in a completely different way. I know my SO on a more personal level because communication is so frequent and it's literally all we have. It really opens the door for new conversation that I normally wouldn't have with someone I dated locally. This doesn't have to be a bad experience. When the pandemic is over, try to plan a visit. You should go see him. See what he's been doing, let him show you around. Have that new experience together.

[D_M]

I think that's great advice from OhioJim and MsGrim.
Like they say, what you are feeling is normal and totally understandable adn we've all been there and will be there again. It's a very up and down journey of emotions. You;ll feel elated when you connect and so down when you miss each other. It is hard being in an LDR but for the right person will be worth it. Remember that you're not alone in this and there are a lot of us in the same boat going through the same emotional rollercoaster.

[sadandconfused]

OhioJim,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Sorry I’m only responding now but it made me feel so much better that day to read your advice and words of encouragement. Ive been sending some photos here and there but in some ways I am worried it just makes my partner sad. We video chatted yesterday and I was on the verge of tears the whole time.
I have been able to distract myself better than the first couple days so I have hope it will get better with time. I will also try a Vitamin B supplement thank you

[sadandconfused]

MsGrim,
Thank you for the welcome! Like I said in my previous reply you seriously helped me feel so much better when I read these I can’t begin to describe how much it means to me that you took out the time to write to me.
It’s an unbelievable relief that this will pass soon and I will start feeling better because at the begin I was in so much despair, even now that I feel the slightest bit better hints to me that in time it will be ok.
You make a really good point about not comparing my problems to others, I have a bad tendency to do this in many areas of my life and it is a habit I need to break.

I started planning a visit immediately just on finding out my partner would be leaving haha, unfortunately it seems like it won’t be possible until next summer at the earliest but at least that is something to look forward to. A lot of wise words in these replies, I’ll definitely be visiting back and re-reading them all when I am feeling low in the future. Thank you again!

[sadandconfused]

D_M,
Thank you for replying! Everyone has been so kind and accepting here, it’s what I really needed. I don’t have anyone in my personal life who has been through the same thing so it’s really nice to talk to people who understand.

[OhioJim]

OhioJim,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Sorry I’m only responding now but it made me feel so much better that day to read your advice and words of encouragement. Ive been sending some photos here and there but in some ways I am worried it just makes my partner sad. We video chatted yesterday and I was on the verge of tears the whole time.
I have been able to distract myself better than the first couple days so I have hope it will get better with time. I will also try a Vitamin B supplement thank you

My point was that you should let him/her know that you think enough of him/her that you want him/her to know everything about what you are doing. That you want to share your life with him/her, even when you are apart.

Yes, both of you will feel sad. But it will be a "happy sad", in that you will be happy that someone cares but sad because you are apart.

[sadandconfused]

My point was that you should let him/her know that you think enough of him/her that you want him/her to know everything about what you are doing. That you want to share your life with him/her, even when you are apart.

Yes, both of you will feel sad. But it will be a "happy sad", in that you will be happy that someone cares but sad because you are apart.

This is a really good point, thank you!