Taking a break in LDR

[Lexie]

Hi to everyone here who is in LDR. I actually found this forum to share and receive as I think is great to hear idea and experiences of other people might have been in similar situation I am, but T the same time I am aware of this fact that I must choose and go through way that I eventually think is better for my relationship. Anyway. I am a mature girl who is in LDR. I have never though that might one day get in LDR but as we all know, when it comes to love and relationship it is hard to step backward and donÂ’t live the one you already fell for. Apart from this, I have to confess if I knew it is gonna be this much hard I would never been in any LDR. We live in different countries and different regions of the world. We actually met very surprisingly through a rare accident so that in normal condition me and him could never had a chance to meet each other if that accident hadnÂ’t happened. So we met after a month of chat, Texting and video call regularly. He made me so surprised in sixth day of our online date by sending me a bunch of roses with a beautiful impressive note to my workplace. The our first physical meeting (face to face) was like a romance movie if I tell you how it was. Meeting someone you are so keen on to see as person after a month of chat on airport for first time and then we both departed to our new destination for a Week of holiday. Our story is too long and whatever happens was so lovely, beautiful, amazing and heart touchy. The most important thing between me and him was mutual understanding and having so much to talk not just being happy and satisfy by good sexual relationship or some other funs. Those were part of our common interests but in general we both enjoy to talk and discuss about life and ourselves, being transparent and especially from my side being very determinative in sense of what I want from my relationship with him or how I see it. I have gone through a very very difficult marriage and also very complicated divorce.So by experience I knew that logically I should not fall for someone easily quickly. It’d better give myself time to watch him out closely while I am enjoying our journey. Finally after 4 months of dating, having several trips and common experiences we decided to call ourselves as girlfriend/boyfriend. Then it was time I got more serious about him and let my true emotions and feeling go naturally deep and deeper. In our sixth months we faced COVID-19 pandemic which began to get prevalent around the world so that I had no way to leave my job and get back to my origin country. He also left the country was holding his business almost a month back and headed back to his origin country too. It was so difficult for us to face this in our newborn relationship. We still didn’t give up. With consideration of this we have been pursuing our LDR relationship in new form. What I mean by new from means we used to meet once a month for few days and have some quality time but now we had no way to stick just to virtual relationship as there was no hope to see each other even once in a while. This pandemic ruined everything in the world including our relationship. We still were so stubborn by chasing each other almost everyday even by short texting and at least a video call once a week. But then this started to get little. We had fluctuation in frequency of our call. To be frank, from my side has been always chasing him and caring by whatever I could do form distance. Even I could be that much understanding to give him some times (Not contacting him for a week or something similar) during our LDR if he really needs it. I have never been needy with him as I am an independent strong girl (that is his belief towards me). So he really provided a situation in our relationship to give me this chance of being really relieved as being very open to my feminine side while I am with him. I did enjoy this a lot as I could be fully true of myself with the one I love. Then slowly I realized that he cannot put me as priority once we got in LDR. I could see the first sign after a month I moved to my origin country but I ignored it. As I said, stuffs got better, a little bad then better with all this fluctuation but i was as patient as to wait enough then raise it as problem. I had some hard talk with him about that it is not fair I ave with someone who doesnÂ’t make me prior the way I do. He is mostly occupied with his grown up children and works but he used to make a plan to visit me once a month. He used to have call and text with me frequently not as good as I was but still keep it up till two months ago I realized I canÂ’t continue like this especially after he moved back to his county. I totally got him and tried to give him some times to get settled but he had so much things to catch up and it seamed he could not manage to spend enough time with as much as maintain our relationship healthy. I brought him into the challenge by raising some questions about where we are going this way and what is really my expectations about us at this stage of our relationship even with compromising of all these obstacles and difficulties. I gave him few times but he failed to be attentive in terms of putting me as priority at least by chasing our relationship more often. Then one night after a week of not having proper chat (coz he was busy for some family parties) we get reconnected again and have long chat but after that I was feeling I canÂ’t do this way. My true feeling was not the way I was in. I wanted a break as my expectation was missing mostly. Then I texted him half an hour after a call that I want a break. He was surprised and get a bit nervous and I was damn fragile as I never thought might one day go through this shit. Break was kinda big word for me too but at that time unconscious was not meaning a real break. Later on I got that was my only way to express my insecurities and lack of my unfulfilled expectations. Still I loved him the same way I done so far. We had never fought. This was not a fight but was a big deal in our relationship. But unfortunately he could not have me a sense of security and reassurance for why I am in this relationship and he left the conversation. I was there alone with my thoughtful mind. I found myself alone again in this difficult moment. I wrote him that I will trust him for staying in our relationship and hope this works. He didn’t reply to this and even didnÂ’t talk about the idea of break in our relationship over a call after our last talk about a break. Then he started to be the same person as before. Nothing got better from his side in terms of being more attentive in our relationship. We were not in touch for few days as he was busy again. If he was busy with a dilemma in his personal life I had no issue to fully understand him and give him some times as I have given this to him before. But this time was different because he was mostly busy with family party and he couldn’t even catch me up for half an hour in few days. Then I took my final decision ; I wanted a breakup. After few days he asked me give him time to have a call. When i told him I want a breakup not a break he was not shocked but he heard me for all I have bearing till that moment. He even agreed to most of them and finally asked me for a break not a breakup. He frankly said he canÂ’t fulfill my expectations even from long distance for being attentive for a call or frequent messaging to maintain our relationship because of many responsibilities he has here. But also he canÂ’t let me go as he claimed he loves me and doesnÂ’t want a breakup so he is not even on with break too. I made him understand that i canÂ’t wait for him here and just pretend to be ok with whatever comes from him. A stable good relationship needs mutual care and if he canÂ’t do this at the moment then I am done as I deserve more than he is currently doing to me. He finally accepted the idea of break. We eventually negotiated about the terms of break so that I asked him. He wanted a break while we still keep in touch. I agreed to have half an hour video call once per two weeks while we are in break and no call or text or anything else this this during our break till he get fully settled. He agreed and is looking forward for a day he get fully settled to have us in our relationship back again. I know I talked a lot here but whatever I said was really necessary to give you some figure about my current relationship. I am struggling with my emotions and feeling towards him. I never thought to betray him and even never had a second though. I still feel for him but I am not like before so much in love. Feel like my heart and feelings hurt. I am busy with my routines and life but there is not a day I donÂ’t think of him. I donÂ’t know what it is! Is it a true love? Is it an addiction or emotional dependency? Is it me who need to get healed and give him time ? Or it is all about to end up with a real breakup after this ? We our still in our break terms and reaching to a time for our “BreakÂ’s call” as we went for a break just 10 days ago. I donÂ’t know wether this make us get closer by giving some times and space, make us miss each other more and realize how much we need each other in our lives, how much he is a proper person for me ? I started to scare of myself for this possibility of might let go of him by a breakup after this break. Shall I or not ? I wanna consider my heart and logic simultaneously for a best decision but this seems to be fucking damn hard for me at the moment. I know I have to do it by myself alone either choosing to stay or walk away, but I am really looking forwards to hear from those have had similar experiences or other opinions in general. Thanks for your patience by going through my LDR story.

[MsGrim]

Hello and welcome! Can you please break up your post? A huge wall is hard to read.

Gathering what I could, you feel like he is not giving you enough in the relationship and he feels like he loves you but distance is making is hard for him to give you the amount of communication you are asking for. I think in a LDR you have to have time for yourself, yes of course your SO is a priority, but they should not be your NUMBER ONE priority. This would make us all go mad lol.

Him having kids and a job, it would make it hard for him to communicate so frequently, but at the same time... going days without talking is a no go for me. Everyone is different in their relationship, so for some couples, its completely okay to not talk every single day. You have to find that common ground in a LDR or it simply is not going to work, as you can see. You need to ask yourself what is more important. Are you willing to walk away for disagreement on communication frequencies? Or is he worth it for you to keep trying and make it work? Common ground CAN be found here, but its important to understand that sacrifices might have to be made.

How confident are you that he loves you and would do anything in the world to make you happy? If your answer is "100%" then maybe this is a sacrifice you need to make, not talking as much as you would like. If you aren't at all confident in his love, then maybe you should walk away. There have been times where my SO and I don't get to talk that much because he is busy. But I KNOW he loves me and will give me time when he can, so I remain patient and let him get his stuff done. Once he is done, he gives me all the attention I could ever possibly want/need.

After your break, you and him need to have a serious talk about where you are going with this relationship. You both need to express your expectations with not only communication, but how/when you will make visits, when/if you want to close the distance. You have to listen and understand his needs as much as he needs to know yours. There are only 2 outcomes... you work it out and stay together or your break up and go your own ways.

[vivid_idea]

Hi there, and welcome.

I relate to some of your worries. I am also older and I have come out of a messy relationship, and I have two kids in tow. It makes it so much harder and it also makes the stakes feel higher. My SO and I go through some really really hard times when I entertain thoughts that it is just too hard for us both.

The thing is, we are committed to each other. We don't always get to communicate as much as we would like because life can get busy for us both. It's far from ideal and I also sometimes ask myself if all of this is really worth it? I just know that we love each other and I don't even like to imagine being with anyone else. I just want him. I hope he feels the same.

LDRs are really hard, for anyone who does them. If communication is your biggest problem then I would talk to him about it. There are some great chat apps that make chatting and sending memes and gifs and voice msgs and video msgs really easy. Me and my SO use Telegram because it has all these great features, plus a bunch of wonderful animated stickers. It makes keeping in touch so much easier.

Good luck, and please reach out if you need more support

[Hannah93]

Hello Lexie,
I am in a same boat, we decided to take a break, but still in touch ocasionally.

How are you guys doing?
Bests,
H

[AnnieS]

Hey!
I am in a similar situation as well.

Well I met this guy through online dating app, and soon met him in person. As it was my first relationship, maybe I got too excited and couldn't stop myself from spending most of time with him. Soon I even was in a live-in from about three months, all thanks to COVID situation.

Although as he had to go to sail, being in merchant navy, he left off. It's been two months. The first month went great, but then things started to twirl. I constantly felt neglected, as didn't receive texts back soon. Not that he would have deliberately done it, but I have seen him online on other online platforms, which makes me feel sad that he couldn't reply to my texts but had time to socialise. When I questioned him he defied it, but such platforms show the time when message seen. So I don't know whom to believe.

Although he had been considerate of my feelings, my efforts, etc. He took care of me during our stay, he calls me whenever he gets time, and listens to me, but I don't know why I feel sometimes that he lies to me. Also he has been in talks with his exes. Sometimes it is okay, but discussing their house problems, is a bit too much.

Then I feel like crying mostly all the time, if I don't speak to him, then when I talk to him, we end up fighting. I don't what to do.

Today I asked him to take a break. Have done it before as well, but then he got upset and said that this is not a game. He has even told me that it's my problem in my head, and I should deal with it. I don't know what to do?

I feel so sad. Sometimes I wonder if this relationship is bringing happiness in my life or not.