Help and advice

[Genny07]

Hello this is my first time on here... but just wanted to ask a question..


How do you cope with the long distance during covid? My partner and I are having difficulties at the moment with missing eachother and I think for him hes finding it hard as well. I don't think I help at all becasue I go through stages of happy and then sad and then I go negative (there is alot on the mind at the moment, stress from study, work, business and family..) just alot.. I am trying to be positive so it doesn't affect my relationship. We plan to close the gap end of next year.

Any tips or advice?

Thank you

[Jenshirecat]

Hey,

my bf and I are, whenever one of feels like the pressure with Covid is getting too big, trying to talk about it. Telling each other that we miss one another or just sharing our difficulties with it.

But I understand you, I'm also dealing with moods, due to healing from a bad depression. I try to lift my spirits with thinking about the time we spend together before Covid, or just thinking about all the qualities I appreciate about him (his humor, his kindness, empathy etc).

Sometimes we talk about what we want to do, once this chaos is over, but not too often, since it can make the waiting time worse. Most of the time we just talk about our daily lifes, trying to connect deeper through new ways of chatting (sending short videos, photos, voice messages). We even started a game called "Freeze" so whenever you're desperate to see the others face, you just text them that and they have to send a selfie right the moment they read it (can be quiet funny, but also nice, because you can see them both at happy but also struggling moments, which connects you more).

I hope this helped you a bit. Keeping my fingers crossed for both of you.

Jen

[Genny07]

Hi Jen

sorry I am still trying to navigate my way around this forum,

I cannot tell you how nice it is to know that someone understands what I am feeling, you mentioned that you are yourself healing from a bad depression. So am I... my partner has really helped me get back on track and my moods have been everywhere due to the stress, I feel bad when I become negative (I don't mean to be)

What do you do when you get sad or feel yourself becoming negative? (if you are)
Or any advice? I have generalised anxiety so even typing this I'm nervous about what to ask or say excuse me aha,

I will try the freeze thing that you and your partner do, because something I think he is getting tired of me (i know he says he isn't, but its a insecurity thing I need to work on)

How long have you guys been together for? I hope you don't mind me asking you questions- this is my first time talking to someone else in a ldr

Also, how do you keep going in an LDR? is it the goal to close the gap that motivates you both? The love?
when things get tough... how do you communicate...

SORRY I am asking too many questions do forgive me, and don't feel the need to answer

Many kindest regards and thank you again for replying!

Genny

[Jenshirecat]

Hey Genny,

don't worry, I'm really new on this forum as well.

Thank you for your answer (btw. if you want to we can also use pm's).

Sorry for the long text, maybe I should borrow you a pillow in case you fall asleep in between of reading

-What I do when I get sad or feel becoming negative?

I definitely have bad days, when I get negative I try to first solve it by myself: cheering myself up with things that usually bring a smile to my face: listening to music, trying to get outside, meeting with other people (if I feel capable of doing so in that moment).

I'm also trying to be mindful of the feeling and find the root for it (and as far as possible trying to see it objectively, because it might seem more negatively than it actually is). Sometimes I also use the Freeze-game, I mentioned, just so I can see my bfs face. And sometimes it helps, just with concentrating on someone else's life and problems, just to get back down to earth and see that I'm not the only one facing some difficulties at that time (but that might just help for me).

But please don't compare yourself to them too much, you're doing a great job of staying strong already

I'm curious what you do to get your mood up again?
(If you're uncomfortable with talking about it, you don't have to).

It's great that you want to use the freeze game, it might be a positive experience for both of you. My bf often uses it on me as well ^^

(I understand you, I need to work on my insecurities as well, so to say: don't worry you're not alone there, the distance putting a magnifying glass on that as well).


Officially me and my bf are together for about 5 months now, but we've been flirting and kinda unofficially dating since we met in September last year. (Don't worry, you can ask me anything, it's my responsibility to take care of what I' comfortable with talking about and what not).

-How we keep going?
Oh well, we don't have a goal yet, I think we just really enjoy each other's company and the deep and meaningful conversations. Tbh. he's quite conservative and didn't even confess his love to me yet, just that he "really likes me", which made me quite insecure at first, but now it's okay
It's just that what is between us is so special to me (and I'd even go so far as to say, both of us) and I think that's what keeps us going.

So what do you do to keep your relationship going? And what do you enjoy most about it? ^^ (If you don't mind me asking).



Well, we're still working on the form of communication during arguments. I'm coming from a family that wouldn't stop for anything when fighting (though I'm not really the loudest or most aggressive one, I'm usually the mediator when it comes there, but I still picked up an unhealthy way of doing it) and he's a really gentle and kind soul, who can't take arguments, if they're not fought the right way.

We've figured out this way: Giving some time to calm down, then talking about it in a objective way (no use of generalizations like "always", "never" etc), formulating sentences like "When you do that, I feel like this." Or "In my opinion you're doing this...".

But as you could see I also posted something yesterday, because we had a kind of throwback in this. So it's trial and error, but we both work on it.

(I actually lead a diary about the things I appreciate about him, so it's more present in my mind and I'm trying to remind myself of the lists in times of anger and insecurity).

Have a good evening. I'm looking forward to your response ^^

Greetings

Jen

[Genny07]

Hey Jen

I figured I will PM you hope you don’t mind

Thank you for such a great response it was definitely informative and really helped me a lot.

What gets my mood up again?
I am not as proactive as you are in finding the root causes, I use to gym and exercise a lot but the lockdown really got me in love with my fridge haha.

I am an emotional eater (which is the worst) but try and blast music to get my moods up and go for long long long walks… literally long. One time I walked for 4 hours and felt so at peace, but it was not good cause I ended up ruining my heels all the time.. Ekkk

I admire that your partner and you have a way that can cheer each other up, my bf is not an empathetic person so it takes a while before he can click on to my moods and vibe

congratulations on the 5 month mark, me and my partner are approaching our 2nd year mark. And I can’t help but feel each month feel like a mile - all worth it though

Are you both in the same country?

What do I do to keep the relationship going? and what do I enjoy most about it?

For us we communicate everyday, but some days we let each other have the space to be with friends, family and the time to do things for ourselves. We normally order food uber for each other as a way for me to feel like im ‘cooking for him’ but technically im not lol

We have a 5 year plan and are working on that, I graduate next year and will move next year to close that gap but in the mean time this space has its positives and negative

we game sometimes but mainly binge watch netflix series and movies or we learn new skills like coding or cooking via vid chat

For me i enjoy his company as an only child its nice to have someone there but in a different way (if you know what i mean- the feeling is different)

I hope you both are okay now? I totally get you with the communication during arguments, but for us its the listening - sometimes he just comes across as telling me off and as a sensitive person it just gets to me… 
we have our ups and downs but i think its when we both get stressed

Listening and communication is key in a ldr

I really like the no use of generalisations, i will definitely keep that in mind! A diary is a good way of exploding your feelings on paper 

any who I await your response (sorry for the long one toooo lol)


Genny