Advice would be much appreciated

[Jenshirecat]

Hello,

I hope to find some advice here, since many of you have more experience in LDR's than I do.

My boyfriend (27 yo, Singaporean) and I (23 yo, German) are now in a relationship for almost 5 months. And we had a lot of fights. Sometimes I think it's the different mentality, but it's hard to truly understand each other and prevent those.

We came up with some rules to follow, so the fights cannot be too devastating. Giving the other person time to bring the matter up in a objective way and then finding some time to solve it in a videocall.

We barely have any time to talk, during the week from Monday to Friday he's really busy, but does his best to text me a couple of times a day. Saturday he's barely to not at all responding and on Sunday's we have a longer videocall.

Today we had another fight during our videocall. It was my fault, because I got upset that he cut the time short and instead of telling me that he wants to end the conversation, he usually initiates some intimacy.

It hurted me in two ways, because he didn't say at the beginning of the chat that he was busy and didn't have much time and that he didn't just tell me straightforward that he wanted to go.

But I tried to keep to our agreement, first cooling off and then bringing it up. But I'm not good with hiding emotions, so he could read from my face that I wasn't okay. In our agreement he also promised that if I'd answer a few times to his questions that I was fine and nothing was wrong, he'd leave me alone. He asked a couple of times, then changed the topic where I gladly joined in talking (and not only one-word answers, but actually talking for a couple of minutes, despite feeling hurt). Right after he went back to asking me and didn't stop.

I wasn't so far as I could formulate a sentence completely emotionless nor in the way we had agreed (In my opinion ... is happening and I'm feeling hurt by it), so I lashed out on him.

He was irritated by me saying that he cut the videocall short (because I should understand that he's busy, which I do, but he's busy all the time and I didn't know that today was an extra busy day) and for the other reason it's my fault for seeing it negatively, he was purely making a routine out of it for both of our sakes.

So I just wonder at this point, am I being unreasonable or a drama queen? How would you've handled this better? Because he now asked me to not show any (negative) emotion until I actually want to bring the topic up... But I don't think I'm capable of that.

Is it just my relationship or do you have arguments often as well? Because I'm getting more and more uncertain, if I'm just being incapable of having a relationship, because every fight is my fault.

Thank you so much in advance for your insight into this.

Have a good evening!

Jen

[MsGrim]

Hi Jen! And welcome to the forum.

It seems like your communication is where the arguments are coming from. I am not sure how long your relationship has been going, but it's normal to have some communication barriers at the beginning of the relationship. I wouldn't recommend holding your "negative" emotions in until you are ready to talk about them. Sure, sometimes you just need a minute to think and breath afterwards, but I think it really gives the opportunity for a bigger monster to rear its head. What I mean by that is sometimes the longer you hold in those negative emotions in the more they will fester and make you feel worse about the situation.

What my SO and I do is take a minute... or even an hour, and calm down. Once that time has passed, we have had time to think about it from BOTH perspectives and then we talk about it with one another and make things right. Once its settled we both let it go entirely and don't bring it up again.

If this is bothering you, you absolutely have to bring it up and talk about it. Your SO is not a mind reader and it is your responsibility to let him know when something is wrong. Do not let this fester any longer. Its best to put it on the table, talk about it and get it over with. Voice your opinions, too. If you would like better communication during phone calls, such as letting you know in the beginning that he is busy and the call won't be long, then you need to tell him that because otherwise he is not going to know.

[Jenshirecat]

Dear Ms Grim,

Thank you so much for your answer

In fact we're actually doing everything you've proposed already. I'm glad that's the right way then.

We keep some time to let everything cool down and think of a good approach. Oh and I bring up things (I even brought it up that I was hurt by him cutting the call short, he got irritated by that actually).

The only thing is, that during the time we calm down he asks of me to not show any emotions of hurt etc and that's what I can't do. But if I speak up right away, I'm not able to do it in his way (because he's easily hurt when I don't use the sentences right out of a psychology book).

So that's the only way we still disagree. Do you have any ideas how to learn to not be an open book about your emotions, if you need a minute or two to cool down?

Thanks again for your help.

Greetings

Jenni

[vivid_idea]

Hi Jen, welcome to the forum.

My SO and I fight and disagree quite a bit. Sometimes it can be very stressful but I do believe we are learning and growing together. It can take time to understand where each other is coming from, especially in cross cultural relationships. My SO is also from Germany (I am from Australia) and I think that we clash sometimes due to our different mindsets which are due to our different lives and upbringings.

What I suggest is write to him. In those moments when you are upset, write him a longer msg. Try to use “I, me” statements instead of “you” statements. Eg: “When this happened it made me feel x because...” If you are using the word “you” a lot it can sound accusatory.

I often will write to my SO if we have had a fight. It’s a way for me to express my emotions, but in a non threatening way. He always wants to read my thoughts and then we can go from there. Sometimes, if we are on the phone, we can get into a headlock and things don’t improve. I hope this helps!