Going through anxiety righ now

[D_M]

Hi,
My SO and I recently had our 6mth anniversary. We haven't yet met but skype often and talk for hours. When we are together it it the best thing and I love her so much. I know she loves me too. And I think she is the one. We feel the same. We have plans to meet as soon as Covid ends and also longer term plans, that if all goes well, and we think it will, then I will move to her and we will spend the rest of our loves together. We need more time to get to know each other in real life, but seriously, that is how I feel about her and she about me.
So, it feels ridiculous to say this next bit, but I am going through such anxiety at the moment. I feel like when I talk to my SO, everything is great, but when I am not, gradually my anxiety builds. I am afraid of loosing her. I know she worries sometimes that, as a man, I am likely to cheat on her with all this time and distance. I have reassured her that I would never do that (I have never done that to any girlfriend and wouldn't. I only want her.) but I know it can be hard to believe.
I have two questions, I'd love some help on.
FIrstly, How, if even possible, can I prove or show that I would never be unfaitful. I tell her, but I'm aware that someone who cheats would probably say the same thing. WHat can I do to reassure her?
Secondly, How can I shake off this anxiety? I feel it and it grows when we pass a few days without talking (there are still texts, not always lovey dovey though). And then when we talk and spend time together, my anxiety falls and I fill up with love and happiness, and I feel silly for allowing the anxiety get the better of me.
It's exhausting. I'd love any practical tips or mind hacks.
THanks all. I know I'm not alone in this (I hope haha)

[vivid_idea]

Hey D_M

No, you are not alone in this. It's probably the single one thing that challenges most people in LDRS - anxiety.

Hm, my SO and I have been together for 2 years and gone through lots of moments of anxiety. My SO actually lives with 3 other women! Two of which have moved in during the course of our knowing each other. That filled me with a great amount of anxiety! It's quite normal in Germany for people to live in apartment buildings and share apartments with other roomies.

I can share with you what I have learnt. Firstly, this anxiety is directly linked to your feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. When I am feeling good about myself and aware of the great things about me, the things that he loves, then my anxiety subsides. It's usually the times when I am going through self-questioning and doubt that my anxiety is at its worst. So I would recommend having a look at your self-esteem. By loving yourself, you will realise all the reasons she loves you, and you will trust in her feelings more. This will naturally help your anxiety to subside.

Secondly, when you have time apart, make sure you take lots of photos of what you are doing in your day to day life. This will help to show her that she can trust that you wouldn't cheat on her. My SO went out to dinner with a female friend once and he made sure he took photos of the meal and let me know afterwards how it went. By being transparent with the things you get up to, it will hopefully prove to her that you are an open book and trustworthy.

These are my two biggest tips. Honestly, though, I still feel anxious at times. If you are an anxious person by nature (which I know I am) long-distance comes with a lot of ups and downs. And yeah, it can feel very exhausting :/ I have been on this journey for two years now and I still feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster ride. I try to see it as a challenge to help me grow to be more the person I want to be. But deep down, I struggle with self-esteem issues, too.

I think you will both find a way that makes you feel safe and secure. Make sure you are open and honest about communicating your needs. That's the first step.

[D_M]

Thank you Vivid for your reply.
I think I am under a lot of stress at the moment from a verbally abusive ex as well as other stresses. And even though they don't directly affect my LDR they are background noise and impact my anxiety. The abuse after an amount of time starts to become self doubt where I question myself even though I know it is not true... I am working on dealing with that and now taking action end that.
I send a lot of photos and am pretty sure my SO trusts me. I think simlarly it is only moments of fear/anxiety that bring this up and again, it is maybe nothing to do with our relationship but to do with her past experiences. It's one of the reasons I think cheating is so wrong, because it leaves damage and scars long after the cheater has duely dumped.

[vivid_idea]

My SO was cheated on before he met me. I’m sure it affects our relationship and it has made me hyper aware of how I behave around him. I want him to feel comfortable and trust me, but we struggle with these issues sometimes. He says it’s because I am inconsistent but I think he is also extra sensitive. Cheating can definitely cause lasting issues. It can be so complex starting relationships, especially later in life when you have already accumulated emotional baggage. It’s just nice if you find someone willing to go over those issues with you.

[D_M]

"He says it’s because I am inconsistent but I think he is also extra sensitive"

It's probably both. I'm sure you know, but the thing is, apart from being sensitive and patient to your partner, you have to do the same for yourself. It takes time to overcome issues from your past and the more trivial they seem, the harder they can be to spot. But they still matter. That's the case for me anyway.

So I am slowly getting better at recognizing my anxiety and when it occurs I try to bring the good of our relationship into the front of my mind (which is pretty much everything except anxiety and distance)... like even though I had extreme anxiety a week or so ago, when my SO and I next spoke, it dissipated almost instantly as it always does when I hear her voice and I felt silly for it. And right now I am in such a good place so I try to remind myself that the anxiety is temporary and not really to do with our relationship, and that it passes. It comes and goes like the tide in the sea and everytime the tide rises, it doesn't mean we're all going to die in a flood...

Ok, so there's some sort of deep analogy in there somwhere, but to tired to work it out :-)

[Redheart14]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Trust and anxiety do often come hand in hand with a long distance relationship. I think you’re doing well constantly reassuring her and I guess over time her worries will ease, and hopefully yours too.