Delaying life & plans

[vivid_idea]

Good luck MsGrim! I hope you get to see each other soon!

[D_M]

The cultural thing does make things more complicated. Good luck Ms Grim. Let us know how you go.

[D_M]

How did you go Ms Grim?
I must admit I am in a similar position in that my SO wants to study. She has had this dream for a long time since before she met me and it will take a big time commitment from her, so I will see less of her. And I have known this since we got together too.
But we got distracted by our relationship and fantasies of her coming here and working here and I guess we just got carried away. I'm madly in love with her, and so I fell in love with the idea of her coming here to live, even though it was never definite.
Our plan was always that I would ultimately move to her as soon as I can (in about 2 years) and that never changed. Her move here was just an interim idea but I loved the thought of waking up to her every day...
Anyway now she is recommitting to study, which is the right thing for her and I support her too, but I am obviously disappointed. I was trying to express my feelings recently but I was tired and it came across to her as negative and unsupportive... We finished our chat because it was late and I was very tired but it left me feeling awful and I had trouble sleeping despite being exhausted.
Her studying will mean we get a lot less time talking than we do now, and I will miss that enormously. But I know she still loves me. And I love her. And we can work it out together. That's the important thing.
In my head, I know she is my soulmate, the love of my life, and that I truly and wholly support her in chasing her dream, even though I will not be getting what I want (short term - her moving to my city). I DO want what is best for her and ultimately that will also be best for us.
In my heart I love her so much. God how I love her. I love her totally and I would do anything for her.

But still, there is a part of me that feels like a spoilt baby, wants to through an tantrum, shout and thinks "What about me me me ME!!" That part of me is unreasonable, entitled and selfish. And I hate it. I hate the thought of the damage that that part or me (my ego maybe?) can do to our relationship. It worries me...

Anyway I don't know if you share similar feelings in the sacrifice you are making for your own SO and relationship. But this was on my mind today so I thought I would share. I hope it helps.

[MsGrim]

We've made 0 progress in figuring out a date to see each other. Right now we're just in limbo until he crosses the hurdle of his exams. He has been in school since we met so its been a normal thing for me to deal with. There have been times where I've been like "what about me" but I realized I needed to let those thoughts go. It wasn't doing either of us any good. I remember this time last year he was prepping for an exam and for like, a week straight we were talking 5-10 mins total for the entire day, and it was messaging.. not even video or call. It was brutal for me because obviously I missed him a ton. The important thing to remember is that this isn't permanent, she won't be studying for the rest of your lives. He also reassured me like, everyday, that once his exam was over our communication frequency would go back to normal... and it did.

When I approach my SO with these thoughts dealing with his time studying and the time it'll take away.. I just let him know up front that I 100% support him and his career goals but... and then I insert my feelings. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do apologize after I say what I have to say and just let him know that I have no ill intentions & that I just needed to get those thoughts off my chest and let him know how it's making me feel. It's extremely important to be on the same page and you have to do that through communication or else you'll end up keeping it all in and explode and the wrong time and say things you don't necessarily mean.

Thankfully my SO is always so understanding and is always willing to talk through these things with me. He knows how it makes me feel because he is going through it too. He is missing me just as much and I can see that. I know how difficult it is being away from your SO, hell I think we all do lol! But you just have to keep pushing forward! Really try and remain positive because your SO can and will pick up on your negative emotions. Once she starts her studies she will have that stress factored into her life. Be the one that she can always count on. I know when my SO is really stressing (he has been for the past month) so I try and just remain positive and upbeat. I dont want to be another stressor in his life, I would rather be that solid foundation for him... His safe place where he can relax and let go of things. In order for him to feel like that, he has to sure that I am the one he can go to without any backlash.

I hope this makes sense and I hope it helps you find that peace with her going back to school! It is an amazing thing for her to do.

[D_M]

Thank you so much for this MsGrim.
I am totally at peace with her returning to studies even if it reduces the time we have together. The fear is that there's no room for me at all :-O
She has taken some time out to work out what she is doing with her life, she has some major stuff going on right now, including a lingering ex, and decisions to make. I don't know where I am going to fit in with her plans.
I find this recurring anxiety exhausting. And I am so tired now.
But thanks again for your words and perspective. It does help give me strength re her return to education.

[MsGrim]

The fear is that there's no room for me at all :-O

This is a reasonable fear to have. Shes now added something to her life that requires time and effort so of course time will be taken away from you. Its important to remember that she isn't spending time with you because she doesn't want to, but that she has other priorities that require her attention. If she cares about you at all, she will make time for you.

She has taken some time out to work out what she is doing with her life, she has some major stuff going on right now, including a lingering ex, and decisions to make. I don't know where I am going to fit in with her plans.

This needs to be something that is discussed between the two of you. Let her know your concerns (in a calm manner) and talk it out with her. I am sure she can provide you with some clarity or reassurance.[/QUOTE]

[D_M]

Thank you MsGrim, I really appreciate your words.

Things got worse, and she felt, overwhelmed by everything and said she wanted to end things. So we spoke, to say goodbye because there is still so much respect and love between us.
We ended up talking for 6 hours. Her ex was nothing to do with it. It was about her and her life, and achieving what she wanted to achieve.
I told her that I support her in everything she wants to achieve, that I want for her what she wants for herself. It's not a line, I mean it. I love her and would do anything for her. I don't want her to be unhappy, to feel she has to sacrifice a part of herself for me, because I want to be with her, all of her, everything about her, her completely.
I told her that, that I wanted her to be happy and feel complete even if it meant that I would lose her. It broke my heart to say that.
But things changed through that conversation and she told me she didn't want to break up, and now we are still together.

The LDR thing is such a rollercoaster. It's exhausting. I've had such highs and lows from it and crazily we still haven't met in person, although that time is coming soon hopefully, depending on borders.
I think there is a certain amount of weathering the storm in the bad times, and knowing/hoping that this too will pass.
I hope your situation is going well.

[vivid_idea]

Hey guys, I just thought I'd jump in here a little, but I only read your last few posts.

I think what is so difficult and unique about LDRs is that separation of our lives. Needing to standby and be supportive, but from the sidelines (distance). The issue of exclusion has been an ongoing stress point for us. It's really hard to find that balance between what you have with each other, and what each of you has in your own lives. I know how tiring the reoccurring anxiety can be. It's so so hard. Once the ego takes a hold, it can be very hard to shake it off. Practicing empathy helps. But it's not easy.

Remember, these times are transient. 2 years is really not a very long time, and you can keep working on your connection over the distance. What's a couple of years if you get to spend the rest of your lives together?

All the best to you guys!

[OhioJim]

...Remember, these times are transient. 2 years is really not a very long time, and you can keep working on your connection over the distance. What's a couple of years if you get to spend the rest of your lives together?

Exactly right!

[TaraMarie]

I'm confused. Why can't you see him? You're not that far apart. Even with Covid you can still travel. Or am I missing something?

[MsGrim]

I'm confused. Why can't you see him? You're not that far apart. Even with Covid you can still travel. Or am I missing something?

His parents don't know about me yet, so that's what is holding us back right now. He planned on telling them in November after his exams were over but plans changed with that and he had to push his exams out until mid December. His parents have a strong religious & cultural background so they expect him to marry someone of their religion (christian orthodox) and from their church. Obviously I am not what they are expecting, in fact I fear they will reject me once they find out. I have tattoos, have been married once before, I have a child who I am raising alone, I don't have a big career. He is currently staying with them during COVID since his classes are all online right now. This is something he just needs to approach at the perfect time or it will not go well at all.. Midst of his final exams is just not the right time.

[Redheart14]

His parents don't know about me yet, so that's what is holding us back right now. He planned on telling them in November after his exams were over but plans changed with that and he had to push his exams out until mid December. His parents have a strong religious & cultural background so they expect him to marry someone of their religion (christian orthodox) and from their church. Obviously I am not what they are expecting, in fact I fear they will reject me once they find out. I have tattoos, have been married once before, I have a child who I am raising alone, I don't have a big career. He is currently staying with them during COVID since his classes are all online right now. This is something he just needs to approach at the perfect time or it will not go well at all.. Midst of his final exams is just not the right time.

I don’t mean this disrespectfully but will there ever be a perfect time? You’ve been a secret for a long time now, you deserve to be acknowledged. Do you both have a plan about telling them? What will you do if things don’t go to plan and you get backlash from his parents? Must suck because you could be spending the holidays together if they already knew.

[vivid_idea]

This must be a very hard situation for you MsGrim. On the one hand, of course you want things to go well and timing can and does affect that. On the other hand, you need to trust that your relationship is moving forward.

How much longer until his studies are finished? (Sorry I can’t remember)

Do you trust that things are moving forward? I do see why RedHeart said what she did. There has to be a very set plan in place. The bottom line is if he wants to be with you, he has to make a place for you in his life. It’s totally fine if that solid plan is in place, even if the end date is a way off. As long as there is movement towards that goal that you can SEE and FEEL.

How does he feel about the religious and cultural differences? Does he want to distance himself from his parents or does he want you to convert? If they are very strict then it’s not unlikely the situation will put him in a place where he will essentially have to choose - either his relationship with his parents will forever change, or leave you. When it comes to family, that can be an experience not everyone can handle/prepares them self for.

Sorry if you have covered this previously!

[Redheart14]

I didn’t mean to offend I guess I’m more frustrated for you. You’ve been so patient and it seems like there’s always a reason you can’t meet or he can’t tell his parents yet. I guess this year in particular has put into perspective how important loved ones are and I’d love for you to be spending time together instead of remaining a secret. After following your story on here for a while now, I feel you deserve to be acknowledged by his family by now.

[MsGrim]

@Redheart14- Not offended I totally can see how outsiders feel when I tell them about my relationship. I would feel the same way if I was not in the middle of it. But there most definitely is a better time than right now. His exam is this week and another one coming in about 2 weeks that will determine his career for the rest of his life. He does have a plan to tell his mom at first, and then sit down with his dad and tell him after. They are extremely set in their ways and this is not an easy thing to approach. My SO is already under a lot of pressure with his exams, residency applications & interviews, and then residency it self. I absolutely cannot expect him to take his attention away from that right now. Things are moving forward, no doubt. In the beginning telling his parents was not an option at all and our relationship was just for fun; not sure if you remember or not. Now he is saying things that include me in his future... Going on vacations and celebrating accomplishments together. This was not a thing before, so there is hope. Backlash from his parents is bound to happen, at least from his dad. Mom is more easy going, but still not sure of her reaction. We will talk about that more in depth before he tells them about me. Holidays are celebrated on different days in their religion; Christmas for them falls on Jan 7th. Also, he will be dedicated to studying on my Christmas Day so being together would still not be an option.

@vivid_idea- He will take his final exam before the end of December. Things are moving forward, like I said earlier, this time last year telling his family about me was just not an option and now he definitely plans on telling them when things settle. I honestly think he is more worried about telling them how we met (mobile game). Our plan right now is to get through exams, get him matched (hopefully close to me), and tell them afterwards. He is religious but he doesn't feel as strong about his religion and culture as his parents do. He's not willing to do an arranged marriage and he's not set on finding a wife that is a part of their church, his parents just have to accept that (his words, not mine). We have talked about it before, and I have agreed to convert if I must. I am Christian and they are Christian Orthodox, the main difference is how they worship so I am totally okay with converting. We both believe that this will help his parents cope with our relationship. Does this make me sound crazy? I feel like this is something that I can change in my life to better the chances of being accepted into his family. I don't think he wants to distance himself from his family completely, but he definitely wants his freedom with them still in his life.

Also, I just want to add that I have experienced most big steps in life already.. Getting married, having a baby, those kinds of things. If I have learned anything from my past relationships, its that being patient is HUGE!! I rushed into getting pregnant and that left me being a single parent and doing it allllll by myself. I rushed into marriage, got cheated on and mentally & physically abused. I don't need to or want to rush anymore. I found someone who loves me SO much and treats me like a queen. I couldn't have asked for any one better. I am willing to wait for him to get his career started and deal with his family at his own pace if it means that we can be together and stay solid for the rest of our lives.