breakup advice or comfort

[sadandconfused]

hey guys,

so this is hard. not sure how many of you have seen my last posts but basically my partner and I were together for what would have been 4 years in 2 weeks from now.
we were only long distance for about 2 months and my partner broke it off on tuesday. they said that the distance made them realize there's a lot of personal stuff they need to work on and can't do it while they are in a relationship.
(for the record this makes sense to me because there always kind of felt like there was a darker / sadder side of them that they couldn't open up about.)
the past few days have been really rough as I'm sure most of you can relate to and I kind of started thinking that maybe this was only part of it or a kind of excuse and that realistically their feelings for me just changed. which I would be sad about this obviously but would understand that this kind of thing happens and could move on.

we have kept in minimal contact checking in on each other which I think has been too much for me so today I told them I think we need to stop all communication for a few weeks but that before we do I wanted to know when their feelings for me changed.

*** TL;DR ***
(here's the issue), my partner told me their feelings for me haven't changed and they never fell out of love but just can't be in a relationship right now.

how should I take this? I know I need to move on but this kind of makes it harder on both of us.
or alternatively, do you think this isn't truthful and that my partner was just trying to make me feel better? (this is what my friend thinks but I disagree / am not sure).

[vivid_idea]

Hi sadandconfused,

I read your post, and I wanted to reach out to you because I know how awful you must be feeling right now :/

4 years is a long time to be together, and so I am sure you must have loved each other a lot, and it's most likely that your ex still loves you. Recognising that you have personal issues to deal with is not an easy thing to accept, and sometimes it can feel too difficult to work through those things in a relationship. Pressure and (perceived) expectations can make these things really complicated, and sometimes, it seems easier to just go it alone for a while.

If I am very honest, I am in an awful state with my SO atm. We are having a break, but I don't think either one of us is going to reach out to the other. When issues overwhelm the relationship, there is no energy left to fix things and no room to move forward. I think my SO expects me to fix everything because he blames me for everything, but I am so empty and exhausted. I feel like a shell.

It's so so much worse when you love each other.

I know how futile it can feel. Here if you need support.

[sadandconfused]

vivid idea,
thank you so much for your reply <3 it really means a lot to feel understood when it’s such a unique situation to be in a long distance relationship.
that’s a really good point about them not wanting the added pressure or expectations while working through stuff. it makes me really sad because I just will never understand the extent of what my partner is going through and I need to accept that. I keep wanting to ask “why can’t just you work on yourself while we stay together???” but I know this isn’t fair and we are different people with different needs.

I am so sorry about your situation with your SO, that sounds like such a rough spot to be in. relationships are a two-way street and it’s not fair for him to shoulder the burden and responsibility of fixing it all on you. I’m sorry he blames you for it, I don’t know all the details of your relationship but this is rarely ever the case that only one person is ‘at fault’. it sounds like it may be a good thing (no matter how hard) for you guys to be on a break right now. I really hope you start feeling better soon, I understand how difficult this must all feel.

[vivid_idea]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about my situation. It's always so complicated, isn't it?

Was there ever any mention or talk of the two of you getting back together after some time has passed? I guess it also could be too painful to hold on?

[sadandconfused]

when they broke up with me and explained the situation I asked if it could just be a break until they have some stuff worked out instead of a break up? but they said they ‘didn’t want to keep me waiting’.

I wanted to push further (that of course I would wait for them! and a little upset they made that decision for me) but didn’t... it already felt like a rejection and I didnt want to be feeling like Im begging if it is the case that they just don’t want to be with me or don’t love me anymore.