Hi, a little bit of a backstory before we begin. I had my first ldr back in January of 2020 and it moved pretty fast. I’ve always been one to commit easily and to bare my all without reserve which can be a bit much to some but with her it was met equally. things were great until my country NZ went into lockdown and I was off work for almost 3 months. In that time I experienced my first anxiety attack.
I’ve never had one before that point or suffered with anxiety more than the average person. This was made further difficult by the fact that I lived alone and because of my self sufficient nature and tendency to prefer being by myself, I had no friends to fall back on.
I told my ldr gf at the time that I had just had a panic attack and I didn’t know what was causing it. Then after a bit of discussion back and forward I thought maybe it was because of the ldr and only being made worse by the lockdown. It was decided that we would take a step back and be just friends for a while so I could take the pressure off and see if it helped my anxiety. so we remained friends but always with the intention of getting back together later down the line.
Well fast forward to a couple of months later and I had a scare because I saw there was this guy that was talking to her that put her as his profile pic on Facebook. She explained that it was just to make his ex jealous and they had talked about it. I had no reason to distrust her so I let it go as the innocent thing she perceived it to be. Well over the next few days and weeks she slowly started talking to me less and less until eventually ghosting me. I found out that all the while she was slowly talking to me less whilst still saying she wanted to be with me and that nobody could replace me, she was dating him. 4 months later and she’s engaged to the guy. Needless to say I was hurt. I had no closure because she blocked me and didn’t even say goodbye to me and I had to find out from a friend of hers what had happened.
I moved on and eventually got back to being ok and ready to date again. I once again took to online dating and found someone that I truly couldn’t believe existed. We have so much in common, even our birthdays are the same! We also have a lot that we don’t share in common but I loved that because it gives us both reason and purpose to grow and accept one another.
Things with her were great. She was opposite to the last girl in the fact that she was slower to reveal herself and open up which I was not used to being someone that is quick to jump. I slowly adjusted to this and found it at times a good thing because it made me more certain of what I was feeling. I thought she was beautiful inside and out. I’ve always been a shallow person, not by choice so I did at times find myself having to look at photos to remind myself that she is beautiful because I always had fears that I’d not like her when we meet.
It’s been 2 months now and after a long 5 hour FaceTime chat which was honestly so amazing, I found myself waking up this morning with overwhelming nerves and anxiety to the point of almost feeling sick. in the last few minutes of our call I found myself thinking ‘do you really love her? Are you really attracted to her?’. And I know these thoughts aren’t my own but I’ve always struggled with turning them off. When I get anxious, I tend to attach it to the nearest thing which is my relationship so it attaches negative emotions and worries and fears that slowly take over my mind until it blurs the lines of what I feel.
I’m not sure what to do. I know that I wouldn’t face this anxiety if I was with someone in person because I’d have that instant knowledge of physical attraction upon seeing them but because I can’t see her and for possibly a long while longer, I have those fears. I know if I was to see her now, my mind would be at ease because then I’d know. I’d be able to let it all go and be happy.
I love this girl, and don’t want to hurt her. I’ve never been so connected to someone and so in awe of them. I’m not sure what the true problem is here. I have communicated my confusion to her and she knows about my anxiety and is very supportive but I know it takes a toll on her because it’s so difficult for her to open up to people and she’s finally starting to be open with me and let me in. Perhaps I’m just overwhelmed because I felt safe just getting to know her, and now with each step closer she gets to me, I get more frightened of all the negative possibilities that could come.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I can truly see a life with the girl with true value if I can just get past this fear that cripples me so.
I’ve never had one before that point or suffered with anxiety more than the average person. This was made further difficult by the fact that I lived alone and because of my self sufficient nature and tendency to prefer being by myself, I had no friends to fall back on.
I told my ldr gf at the time that I had just had a panic attack and I didn’t know what was causing it. Then after a bit of discussion back and forward I thought maybe it was because of the ldr and only being made worse by the lockdown. It was decided that we would take a step back and be just friends for a while so I could take the pressure off and see if it helped my anxiety. so we remained friends but always with the intention of getting back together later down the line.
Well fast forward to a couple of months later and I had a scare because I saw there was this guy that was talking to her that put her as his profile pic on Facebook. She explained that it was just to make his ex jealous and they had talked about it. I had no reason to distrust her so I let it go as the innocent thing she perceived it to be. Well over the next few days and weeks she slowly started talking to me less and less until eventually ghosting me. I found out that all the while she was slowly talking to me less whilst still saying she wanted to be with me and that nobody could replace me, she was dating him. 4 months later and she’s engaged to the guy. Needless to say I was hurt. I had no closure because she blocked me and didn’t even say goodbye to me and I had to find out from a friend of hers what had happened.
I moved on and eventually got back to being ok and ready to date again. I once again took to online dating and found someone that I truly couldn’t believe existed. We have so much in common, even our birthdays are the same! We also have a lot that we don’t share in common but I loved that because it gives us both reason and purpose to grow and accept one another.
Things with her were great. She was opposite to the last girl in the fact that she was slower to reveal herself and open up which I was not used to being someone that is quick to jump. I slowly adjusted to this and found it at times a good thing because it made me more certain of what I was feeling. I thought she was beautiful inside and out. I’ve always been a shallow person, not by choice so I did at times find myself having to look at photos to remind myself that she is beautiful because I always had fears that I’d not like her when we meet.
It’s been 2 months now and after a long 5 hour FaceTime chat which was honestly so amazing, I found myself waking up this morning with overwhelming nerves and anxiety to the point of almost feeling sick. in the last few minutes of our call I found myself thinking ‘do you really love her? Are you really attracted to her?’. And I know these thoughts aren’t my own but I’ve always struggled with turning them off. When I get anxious, I tend to attach it to the nearest thing which is my relationship so it attaches negative emotions and worries and fears that slowly take over my mind until it blurs the lines of what I feel.
I’m not sure what to do. I know that I wouldn’t face this anxiety if I was with someone in person because I’d have that instant knowledge of physical attraction upon seeing them but because I can’t see her and for possibly a long while longer, I have those fears. I know if I was to see her now, my mind would be at ease because then I’d know. I’d be able to let it all go and be happy.
I love this girl, and don’t want to hurt her. I’ve never been so connected to someone and so in awe of them. I’m not sure what the true problem is here. I have communicated my confusion to her and she knows about my anxiety and is very supportive but I know it takes a toll on her because it’s so difficult for her to open up to people and she’s finally starting to be open with me and let me in. Perhaps I’m just overwhelmed because I felt safe just getting to know her, and now with each step closer she gets to me, I get more frightened of all the negative possibilities that could come.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I can truly see a life with the girl with true value if I can just get past this fear that cripples me so.
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