Have I Ruined It?

[Edyn]

I've been saying for a long time that my boyfriend doesn't make me feel loved or appreciated, (because he doesn't really) and I made a big deal about it the other day cause I've just been feeling like shit, and I barely feel good about myself at all and he does have a lot to do with that... He's so very selfish, and critical.

I got a weird feeling by the things he was saying today that he was going to buy me flowers. He's terrible at surprises. So I was nervous cause I didn't want him to send them to my work cause I don't feel good enough about myself for that big of a deal to me made, and I don't really feel like he thinks I deserve something like that. I also didn't want him to do something because he felt like he had to, I want him to do things cause he cares. Plus I could really use a massage. So I said that I felt like something was up and if he was planning on buying me flowers please don't cause that's not what I need right now.

So he got upset cause I was right. Now he's said that he can't do anything good enough, and to throw the flowers, and the card, and the poem, and the teddy bear, and the chocolate out when I get them, and that it was a waste of money, and there's no point in trying to make me happy. He also said that for my next boyfriend I should just let it go when I think something is up and he will be more careful at hiding things with his next girlfriend, and I should have just left it alone. Then he shut his phone off.

So now I don't know what is going on, and I know he's probably going to hold this against me, and make it so I have to make up for it. I wish he wouldn't have told me. I wish he could have just let me be my crazy self and just let there be a surprise. Cause I would have been happy! Now it's ruined.

[Čternity]

Ok, my way of dealing with this would be to forget everything you guys said about this. When the 'surprise' arrives, make a BIG fuss to him about how much you really do love it. I mean really sincerely tell him how much you appreciate him going out of his way for you.

Let's face it after you asked to feel more appreciated, the guy stepped up in a big way... flowers, card, poem, bear and chocolates wow so jealous! If you feel you want/need to, then apologise for guessing the surprise. I'd be pulling out all the stops on thanking him for this.

[Tanja]

It sounds like you have issues with your self-esteem and unfortunately your SO usually is the one who has to deal with it (and sometimes take some of the blame for it)...
You wanted him to do something to make you feel loved and approciated and that's exactly what he did and I think you really hurt him by guessing the surprise AND saying you don't need any of it. He tried doing something nice and romantic and you rejected him.

I think you need to apologize to him and tell him you really loved his surprise and his effort and then talk to him about how the next time he's thinking of doing something nice to you maybe he could ask what you'd like/need to avoid this from happening ever again. I'd also send something to surprise him in a nice way and to make him believe you really are sorry because him talking about tyhe next gf/bf's is not a good sign at all.

I hope you can work this out.

[LadyMarchHare]

I totally agree with Tanja. I think had you not let that "I don't deserve this" mentality get in the way, you might not have mentioned it and you'd have the flowers and possibly a self esteem boost. Perhaps if you asked they be sent to your house/apartment instead of saying not at all that might have been better. But either way, you need to talk that out with him and express why you popped his balloon, so to speak, and how you feel. And this is just a minor suggestion but maybe you could look into something like cognitive therapy or something similar to help you turn your thoughts around. It's not good that your esteem is so low and it can and will strain any relationship regardless if you believe the guy is selfish. Best of luck to you.

[Karringtyn]

You wanted him to show more appreciation and love. He did. He took the clues and did something so sweet. You mentioned that you could use a massage...well we take what we get and be happy with it. I would LOVE to get flowers....

I would apologize...make a big deal about the gifts and truly work on the self esteem. Trust me...All my life I battled those issues and they don't go away. You have someone who loves you and wanted to show you. Best of luck.

[NikkiP]

And I completely understand how you feel about the flowers at work thing. Ryan had asked me for my work address a few weeks ago and I was like hrmm ermmm ummm and didn't give it to him. Totally regret that. I very casually sent him an e-mail from work a few days later with my address on it as an FYI. When I realized how silly it was for me not to just give it to him, I was a bit disappointed with myself. We only have so many ways to show each other how much we care when we're apart and sometimes you just have to step outside of your comfort zone to let them show you their love for you.

*hugs you* The thank you thank you thank you advice is wonderful and I'm sure it will light your day up and you just have to let him know how much. Take it from somebody who hates surprises!

[Silviar]

People have already addressed the direct issue, but I'm chiming in about the indirect issue here. I would like to encourage you to find ways to boost your self-esteem, and to feel better about yourself. Low self-esteem can have a crippling effect on your life as well as relationship, and it sounds like you're starting to notice problems that arise in at least part because of it.

Please, consider either talking to a counselor or engaging in activities which allow you to build yourself up. It will help in more ways than you'd imagine.

[Edyn]

Thank you very much for all of your advice!