30(M) Advice to me about this girl I like to try!

[rahul]

(Long post so please bear with me as its needed to explain the situation)

Hello everyone,

I am 30 Male handsome and in shape as told by many people and have always found myself inadequate since teenage years that am not suitable for others or others dislike me or as am not earning money I won't be able to find a girl. I have always been alone in terms of wanting a relationship.

I have always been wanting a single committed relationship where I can dedicate my life to a woman and she reciprocates the same feelings for me.

Things have changed as I grew up and now am somewhat stable in terms of earning and somehow have strong sincere thoughts of having a wife whom I can love and take care of!

Enough intro!

So I met this girl online. We are in the same student Facebook Group. She sent me a message and friend request to stay in touch as same department students.
She stays in another city and we are going to USA for studies at the same university.

As am open to making friends and connections I initiated a conversation and all went well. We kept messgaing each other about our updates since 5 months.

We also had conversations about our lives some personal things as well she says to me. She says she felt comfortable talking anything with me. She always used to like my posts on Facebook and giving me love reacts to my posts and profile pictures or any photo albums. One day I ask for her number without any bad intention and to stay in touch when we meet in USA.

Now here things change or its my thinking.

We move into deeper conversations like faith in God, relationships, views on different things and somehow I also open up my character to her. She talks about her past relationships and I advise her not to think about it. She says how abusive it was and I sympathize with her. I have a habit of motivating people so just tell her to move on and forget a person who isn't worth her heart.

She says am too understanding and mature and should have some fun. I bluntly told her am not into casual relationships.

In between our conversations I also tended to flirt with her through texts and she gives out mixed signals. She was OK with it I guess. She asks me if I am flirting I say her clearly its just to lighten up the mood but at the same time I genuinely complimented her looks and dressing style. She says thanks and all but gives no direct signals. I actually find her attractive not lookwise but I feel involved talking with her and her life.

I jokingly ask if I have any chance, her reply is how fucked up she is of her past relations and anyways wants to meet in person to start a relation. I also casually asked for a coffee when we meet in USA she says she would love to have one. I don't know why she said that.

We talk regularly and I keep flirting with her as am definitely interested in her but she hasn't responded well enough. Its just lol or haha or thank you reactions.

We had a gap of conversation for 2 weeks suddenly due to my personal scenario. In that period I didn't receive any messages from her considering she also engaged in great conversation previously with me.

Right now I started to talk to her again and she replies well enough but our conversation is not deep enough or fun enough. She has reached USA but I am still into trouble with visa approvals. She asks for some little help here and there and I ask her for some help regarding University.

After reaching USA suddenly she asks for advise on how to react to a guy hitting on her over there. I just tell her if she is interested she should seek out to him. But then she says she feels too small in age with him. That guy also tells her that he likes some other girl but also flirts with her(my contact). She also said to me she doesn't want a heartbreak.

Sometimes at midnight we talk casually and I always ask her about her day and new adjustments as a student. She tells me what she will cook or how her room is. I have stopped my advances towards her for now!

It was her birthday recently and I also messaged her that I adore her, wished her to be bold and stay away from people who degrade her, she is a beautiful person.

She confronts me instead and asks how I knew it was her birthday(we shared our birthdays when we used to converse a month back but she forgot). I ask for a thanks instead and she says she is overwhelmed with my message.

Now I am a type of man who is sensitive and is influenced by her mother more than father. I have utmost respect for everyone. I have some mental illnesses like depression, mania, and anxiety although these are related to my career. I want to become more specialized in my career and earn great not just for filling up my stomach. I have been trying to go for studies since years and now at the last stage when everything is smooth am stuck in visa hurdle. Although am determined to go!

Now thing with this girl is that I am genuinely interested in her but am wary of her interest in me. I feel if I ask her out seriously confidently she would joke me or embarrass me! I am not interested in dealing with all that and also don't want to be her friend but a potential soulmate. I know I am asking for too much! I also cannot tolerate a heartbreak as am sensitive and have kept myself reserved for that one woman out there if I could find.

Things are such that I might not go USA or could defer my admission to the University to September 2021. So in conclusion I might not meet her in person.

But my alternate thought also says I must express my feelings and interest and tell her I wished we could be a couple!

Please advise what I must do!

Now even if I reach USA and she says she isn't interested in me I will only reply to her messages or if she wants help academically. Nothing more. But I will definitely regret showing my character to her in our conversations. I am reserved in nature and only talk at a personal level to few close people. But when she shared her life with me I somehow opened up myself too.

Thanks!

[LisaS]

I always feel like you should be honest and take a chance on love so go ahead and tell her how you feel! If she doesn’t feel the same way, you can move on. And you might not see her ever so who cares? Or if she does feel the same way, you can begin the relationship. Either way, you’ll know where you stand!

[rahul]

I always feel like you should be honest and take a chance on love so go ahead and tell her how you feel! If she doesn’t feel the same way, you can move on. And you might not see her ever so who cares? Or if she does feel the same way, you can begin the relationship. Either way, you’ll know where you stand!

Thanks for your response!

I am pretty confused. I hope she doesn't create a joke out of it.

I have never seen her in person. Just photos online on Whatsapp and Facebook.

I strongly feel she considers me her friend nothing more. Today we were talking again and she discussed some of her problems again with me in detail.

So here is the update:

As I mentioned in my OP that some other guy was hitting on her. It turned out that "other guy" moved in with some "other girl". Now she says she is heartbroken. I told her its just a few days you reached USA and you got hurt so fast.

The thing is she doesn't judge people at all who might hurt her. She wants a deep relationship she told me.

I counselled her and gave some pointers how to be strong and not get infatuated with someone who doesn't care about you.

I mean in my mind I tell myself I am so ready for her but she doesn't seem to notice me at all. Really sad!
I am that kind of person to wanting a soulmate type relationship and why she doesn't think of me.

Do you have any suggestions on this? Should I really ask her out. I don't think she has any feelings for me in a romantic manner and I too am little heartbroken that no one looks or even try to like me.

Kindly assist!

[D_M]

Hi Rahul,

I agree with LisaS.
Take a little time and put your thoughts on paper. Be simple and straight forward and honest. Tell her how you feel and allow her to be honest back and accept her answer.
If she feels the same, then great.
If she doesn't, then at least you have done right by yourself and you can move on with peace.
The worst thing you can do is say nothing but continue to harbor these feelings, because they will eat away at you and you will always be wondering, what if? The uncertainty will eat away at you.
So be honest and be strong. Tell her how you feel.
Good luck.

[rahul]

Hi Rahul,

I agree with LisaS.
Take a little time and put your thoughts on paper. Be simple and straight forward and honest. Tell her how you feel and allow her to be honest back and accept her answer.
If she feels the same, then great.
If she doesn't, then at least you have done right by yourself and you can move on with peace.
The worst thing you can do is say nothing but continue to harbor these feelings, because they will eat away at you and you will always be wondering, what if? The uncertainty will eat away at you.
So be honest and be strong. Tell her how you feel.
Good luck.

Thank you for responding!

Please tell me considering I tried flirting in the past and getting no signals or even engagement from her, should I still approach? I know those feelings would kill me inside if I don't ask. However at the same time I ask myself just having conversations online will justify my interest in her or should I wait before meeting her in the US depending where destiny takes me?!

Btw I like your suggestion of writing down my thoughts for her in a diary.

[Rezie]

I think you should leave the relationship and flirting until you get to the US. To me it sounds like she needs a friend more than a boyfriend. I would keep chatting and forming a safe relationship without especially going for a relationship. You should work on your own confidence and prepare towards your studies. Once you are in the same place and meet for a coffee, then work from there.

[rahul]

I think you should leave the relationship and flirting until you get to the US. To me it sounds like she needs a friend more than a boyfriend. I would keep chatting and forming a safe relationship without especially going for a relationship. You should work on your own confidence and prepare towards your studies. Once you are in the same place and meet for a coffee, then work from there.

Yes study is my utmost priority, it doesn't matter what else is going on in my life. I won't compromise on it. I have been through personal struggles to be here where I am, even at this age I have my determination of pursuing higher education.

I was just thinking of this girl as I really like her. Well it is secondary importance to me than studies.

Coming to needing a friend than a boyfriend. I will just copy paste the update of what followed recently with her. I had put up in the quote to LisaS. It might have been missed.

"As I mentioned in my OP that some other guy was hitting on her. It turned out that "other guy" moved in with some "other girl". Now she says she is heartbroken. I told her its just a few days you reached USA and you got hurt so fast.

The thing is she doesn't judge people at all who might hurt her. She wants a deep relationship she told me.

I counselled her and gave some pointers how to be strong and not get infatuated with someone who doesn't care about you.

I mean in my mind I tell myself I am so ready for her but she doesn't seem to notice me at all. Really sad!
I am that kind of person to wanting a soulmate type relationship and why she doesn't think of me."

1. Hence with respect to needing a friend more than a boyfriend, according to you does it apply to me exclusively?

2. Why must work on my confidence with respect to her, please explain?

(Additionally opening up my character to her was one of the biggest regret I will have in my life if she isn't interested, we had so close talks on topics which you don't really even with your best friend considering we just communicated for 5 months now that too online through social media)

Looking forward to the replies and advice!

[D_M]

Thank you for responding!

Please tell me considering I tried flirting in the past and getting no signals or even engagement from her, should I still approach? I know those feelings would kill me inside if I don't ask. However at the same time I ask myself just having conversations online will justify my interest in her or should I wait before meeting her in the US depending where destiny takes me?!

Btw I like your suggestion of writing down my thoughts for her in a diary.

My suggestion about writing was to write her a clear letter (email or whatever) about how you feel and to keep it succinct. I think you have to make a decision. You either let her go and move on or you tell her how you feel.
I don't know whether you should do that now, or wait until you see her in person, but you can make a plan at least. It all depends on how you feel and how much this is impacting your ability to live your life in the present.
You say below that your top priority is your studies, so maybe focus on that for now until you get to the US.
Writing a diary for yourself is a great way to help ease your pressure and clarify your thoughts and emotions over time.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

[rahul]

My suggestion about writing was to write her a clear letter (email or whatever) about how you feel and to keep it succinct. I think you have to make a decision. You either let her go and move on or you tell her how you feel.
I don't know whether you should do that now, or wait until you see her in person, but you can make a plan at least. It all depends on how you feel and how much this is impacting your ability to live your life in the present.
You say below that your top priority is your studies, so maybe focus on that for now until you get to the US.
Writing a diary for yourself is a great way to help ease your pressure and clarify your thoughts and emotions over time.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

The latest update is that my student visa has been rejected. My dreams of pursuing MS are shattered now. I don't know what I will do with my life. I had given my 100% alongwith my parents efforts, but this is how it is! I will have leave a good University from my hands.

I now feel the intuition that I may never see her in person.

So here it is I am a failure here too. Just 2 minutes of visa interview deciding my future aspects. I wished I could go US for studies and in parallel meet her in person. But destiny says "f*** you" everytime to me. Even my psychiatrist is of no use when I have lost my hopes to live. I have always struggled in everything and have not got equivalent fruits of it in life. Luck plays a great role here!

I cannot bear living in my country with a basic Bachelor's degree and limiting myself to extremely exploitative low salary. I truly wished to gain superior knowledge, put MS from good University on my resume, work back in bigger roles in my country.

Even if I leave engineering I don't know other doors open to me, I have no other skill. I don't want myself to start from the beginning when I can see others doing much better than me with lesser credentials than mine.

[MsGrim]

Trust me when I say, you don't want to come to America right now. We are on the brink of a 2nd civil war and it's an absolute nightmare. I know this probably won't help you any, but maybe it can ease your stress over "what if" for now. Best of luck to you.

[rahul]

Trust me when I say, you don't want to come to America right now. We are on the brink of a 2nd civil war and it's an absolute nightmare. I know this probably won't help you any, but maybe it can ease your stress over "what if" for now. Best of luck to you.

I have intention to study MS degree and its my first priority. Its difficult to keep delaying my aspiration. All my limits of patience have crossed! Atleast I will be able to start my career polished with a MS from US.

[autumn1790]

Hey Rahul,
I just want to say, you said in your OP that she is giving you mixed signals but you are giving her mixed signals too. Flirting and then when she asks are you serious you say no, just lightening the mood. Maybe your mixed signals are confusing her and she thinks you are not actually interested in a serious relationship with her so that's why she gives mixed signals back.

The only way to truly understand someone is to be fully and completely honest about feelings. You mentioned consistently that you are insecure about looks and job and future, but then ask what you need to work on--can you see that having so many insecurities is something you need to work on? You need to love and value yourself before you can truly accept someone else's love and value for you.

As someone who watched my now husband go through the F-1 MS journey, please understand that your visa denial is not personal. The US denies many visas even when you were accepted to a good school. You can always try again even if it doesn't look good. There are online sources on how to present your case so the officer knows that you intend to return home and not stay in the US.

Best wishes!

[rahul]

Hey Rahul,
I just want to say, you said in your OP that she is giving you mixed signals but you are giving her mixed signals too. Flirting and then when she asks are you serious you say no, just lightening the mood. Maybe your mixed signals are confusing her and she thinks you are not actually interested in a serious relationship with her so that's why she gives mixed signals back.

The only way to truly understand someone is to be fully and completely honest about feelings. You mentioned consistently that you are insecure about looks and job and future, but then ask what you need to work on--can you see that having so many insecurities is something you need to work on? You need to love and value yourself before you can truly accept someone else's love and value for you.

As someone who watched my now husband go through the F-1 MS journey, please understand that your visa denial is not personal. The US denies many visas even when you were accepted to a good school. You can always try again even if it doesn't look good. There are online sources on how to present your case so the officer knows that you intend to return home and not stay in the US.

Best wishes!

I had all those personal issues of self-consciousness in the past. I have overcome them. I had written as it was relevant to my character for reference.

Reagarding visa, it always feels sad when people who cannot speakup properly have their visas approved. What resentment has carried into my profile? I am polite to the visa officer, genuine, finance-ready, employment-ready in my country after MS, intentions coming back as have aged parents, property and relatives, no loan and other right checkboxes in my profile.

Related to the girl I liked, I am sure I won't get her. Long distance I must forget.

Its always me who has to adjust and swallow bitter truths. I will just regret talking to her deeply and opening up my character to her.

Thank you everyone for their kind attention to my thread and great suggestions.