Need advice please

[jasminew]

Hi all,

I've been in a relationship with my partner for about 5 years. He moved to a different country in September 2020 to take on a new job with a higher pay. He sees it as an opportunity to learn and grow his prospects and has given himself one year to try it out. It's been four months and unfortunately he is not doing very well at his job and is struggling and trying his best to make it work.

While I cannot disagree with decision on moving, I myself have found it hard to cope without him around back home. We had hoped to meet over the Christmas break but due to travel restrictions, it did not happen. Lunar New year is coming up (big for us in Asia) and he is unable to make it back home as well.

Over the past few months, my conversations to him have revolved around when he'll be back (which I understand he currently has no control over). However, he has mentioned that this is giving him extra stress on top of his situation at work. My feelings of missing him seem inconsequential to what he currently has to face on his own. I try to keep my feeling of loneliness to myself as I do not wish to seem to selfish and unempathizing to his situation. We have fights offer this every once in awhile with ultimately no resolution to the problem and I'm getting tired of it.

Every time I question whether this ldr is worth it to even give it a try for one year as it seems like we are wanting different things in life at the moment. The thought of not being able to be together for a year or longer seems too difficult to bear and we currently have no idea when we can next meet. I have no idea what I should do or how to make the situation better for both of us. Sigh.


Thank you in advance for any advice given.

[LisaS]

Hi there! If he’s already done 4 months there, that means he has 8 months to go, and even though COVID is impacting travel right now, it seems likely that he can come back in September 2021 if he wanted to. By then hopefully most of the population will be vaccinated and borders will open up again! I know LDRs are hard, but in the grand scheme of things, I don’t think 1 year is very long, however I do understand that LDRs are very hard to maintain if you’re not able to visit each other during this time. It sucks that he’s going through a hard time at work but the good thing about that is that he is more likely to come back! However if things improve with his job, then you need to think about whether you want to continue the long distance or if you eventually want to move to be with him.

There’s been moments where I also question whether my LDR is worth it, but in my heart, I know that it is. This is something only you can decide in your own relationship. I also understand how hard it is to try to hide your feelings if he’s going through hard times personally but I encourage you to not feel bad for being honest with your feelings when you need to be. Try your best to be gentle with yourself.

I hope this helps a little and know that you’re not alone and that what you’re feeling is totally understandable!

[D_M]

I agree with LisaS.
There's no doubt that LDR IS hard, and it's difficult for BOTH of you. I think we have all gone through times of questioning, and continue to do so, because it is damn hard at times, especially missing your SO and not knowing when you will see them again. Covid has made a difficult situation so much more difficult. That uncertainty adds so much emotional stress and it is exhausting.
So be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for times when you feel you handle it badly. You're only human. It's ok. It's hard but it will pass. Think of how you can support each other and make it easier.
Take care

[jasminew]

Thank you all for the encouragement, really needed it. Would you also have advice on what I can do on my end make it easier for myself? Seems like occupying myself would be the only way to keep me distracted.

[OhioJim]

Thank you all for the encouragement, really needed it. Would you also have advice on what I can do on my end make it easier for myself? Seems like occupying myself would be the only way to keep me distracted.

Exactly. Keep yourself occupied.

Hobbies? Go for a walk (If you are allowed with this pandemic). Have lunch with friends(again, if you are allowed).

[LisaS]

Thank you all for the encouragement, really needed it. Would you also have advice on what I can do on my end make it easier for myself? Seems like occupying myself would be the only way to keep me distracted.

Yes, keeping busy helps a lot. Unfortunately the pandemic has made this a lot harder. Before COVID, I would hang out with my friends and go to the gym to make myself feel better but I can no longer do that in my region. I started running outside a little bit and I’ve noticed it does help with feeling slightly less depressed/anxious. Hopefully you can find something you enjoy doing and don’t be afraid to try new things!

[D_M]

Yes, keep busy!!
I read an article today that said there is also a real benefit to getting into nature. I found that myself when we had the worst of covid here and I was socially isolated and living in a bedsit. I'd get out to a national park, walk teh beach, cliffs or through the forrest. It kept me sane. I think I'd have gone lala without it.
Also, if you can, and again, speaking for me personally, get to the sea and get into the water if you can. Get a mask and snorkel. There's a whole other world under there that is great for taking you out of yourself.