What to say...

[D_M]

Imagine you are going through a dark time with lots of issues going on around which is making you think "I can't continue this LDR like this" even though you haven't spoken those words yet.

If you're going through that time, what words could your SO say (assuming only text or email) to you to give you faith hope and strength and to lift you up?

[Woweth]

Several times during all this have I been the one who has lost hope, as last year we went many months without seeing each other with no idea of when we’d get to see each other again, and now we’re going through the same thing unfortunately. For me it’s not a matter of ‘I don’t know how I can do this anymore’, it’s ‘I don’t know how I can do this for the indefinite future’, because the idea of long and painful waiting time’s, uncertainty, and loneliness, it’s so difficult to get through.

No matter how hopeless I feel though, I can express it to my boyfriend, my worries, my struggles, how the fear of not knowing is so hard, and I can rely on him to uplift my spirits. No matter how far apart we are, how many months we have to wait, he’s willing to wait for me, he said he’d wait forever, and I truly believe him. He assures me that I’m still worth it, the money, the time, the energy, and what a gift that is, to have someone who you mean so much to. It’s something that not even time nor distance can change. Believe me we have had our rough patches, several occasions where I thought we were really coming to an end, but we began to realise that the only factors causing these instances were things we couldn’t control, things that weren’t neither one of our faults, and that because of that, we shouldn’t have to suffer the loss of losing one another all because of tough times. Often I’d express my frustration and anger in not so good ways, taking it out on him with starting petty arguments and constantly being in such an unbearable downer of a mood that naturally, put him off talking to me sometimes, which would give me another reason to get angry. This cycle continued for a few months, it was really starting to rot away our relationship, and once lockdown restrictions came back into place and I knew we’d have a while before we could be back in person again, I knew things would have to change.

Instead of letting the constant worries of when I’d see him, how much I missed him, how frustrated I was that we are being separated, consume me and in turn make my relationship suffer because of it, I’m just trying to take all that energy and put it towards my relationship now. I was always constantly thinking about when we’ll see each other again, how much I want it to happen, that I didn’t seem to pay any attention to our relationship now, that even though we’re apart, we still need each other, and we still need to try and appreciate one another. So that’s what I’m trying to do, take time every day to show him my love in the ways that I can right now, appreciate our relationship how it is, and just embrace the reality of it, even though I don’t like it. Instead of making every conversation about when we’ll see each other, expressing my worries about everything, nagging at him for being too busy to talk, I just appreciate the time we can talk to each other. He’s busy with a full time job and family duties, but instead of getting angry at that, I look on the bright side. Without his good income we wouldn’t be able to see each other as often as we do, or used to anyway, wouldn’t be able to file for my visa to live with him, wouldn’t be able to go on all the great adventures we do when we’re together. Yes, it makes him have less time for me, but now, I make the best of every moment we get to talk, tell him about my day, ask about his, talk about our futures and subjects we enjoy. And in the times he’s busy, I do the things I enjoy while looking forward to hearing from him again, I swear getting a text notification from him is like instant adrenaline.

We had to wait almost two years before we met in person, all of that was based on good communication and making sure we expressed our support and feelings for one another, we didn’t let the time or distance get in our way, we just focused on our now, while having our future to look forward to. I guess after we met, I got so used to being together in person that I kinda lost our old ways, I found it more difficult to be apart, knowing what it was like to do everything I love with him. So now, I guess I’m using ourselves as my inspiration, we’ve done this before, and we can do it again. We know we love each other, and that fact is stronger than the time or distance in front of us, that love will just continue to conquer those factors until we finally won’t have to worry about them anymore. Right now, we’re doing better than ever. We video call a lot more than before, we may not be able to text much, but we appreciate what we get and when we can, we love to butter each other up like toast, so that when he’s gone for a few hours I can look back on the cute messages and feel his love even when he’s busy. We went from arguing pretty much every day, to that being a rare occurrence. I’m honestly so thrilled about our progress, and how we have and still are getting through one of the toughest times of our relationship with sheer resilience.

So, to sum up the answer to your question, if your SO says something along those lines to you, don’t judge them, don’t react in anger or harsh words. If you’re going through a rough patch, rest assured, if your love and dedication to one another is strong enough, you’ll overcome any hard times, it all relies on how you treat one another. Take time out of your day, every day, to appreciate them, support them, let them know that even though times are tough as hell and it’s getting harder to get through them, that you love them regardless, that you’ll always be there, and no amount of difficulty can change that. As I like to say, tough times don’t last, but tough people do.

Stay strong everyone.

[D_M]

Thanks Woweth for all your words. It's great to feel that I'm not the only one and I appreciate your advice too. It helps a lot.
So you went 2 years before you met in person? That must have been tough. We're coming up to 10 months, hoping to meet before a year depending on work and borders, but I have a flight booked for exactly 1 year to the day when we first met online which would be kind of cool... But If I can get there sooner, I will :-)

[D_M]

I read this in another thread from 2012. I thought it was quite pertinant, definitely relevant to me recently. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this:

"I think it's reasonable, within a long-distance relationship, to feel that way. Particularly where timezones are involved, you can quite often end up clearing your evening out to spend time 'with' your SO via the computer. If they then brush it off to go and spend time with someone else, you're left sitting on your own all night, in front of a computer, waiting for them and wondering where they are.

I don't mind my SO going out with her friends, but I do like to get a bit of notice. If she tells me the day before that she's going to be gone, I can make plans to do other things when we would normally have been talking, and everything's OK. If she just brushes me off an hour before with a quick email, it hurts, and I feel rejected.

Plans change, things happen that are unavoidable, but in an LDR a quick change of plans at your end can be pretty soul-destroying for the person at the other end. I always try and plan things around my SO, give her notice - say "on Wednesday I'm going to be out with friends." Things are relatively harmonious if you do that. It's not a great deal of effort for someone you presumably love. "

[vivid_idea]

Hi D_M,

We were having a rough patch these last couple of weeks, too. I do something really terrible where I sometimes sabotage the good times, unwittingly. As bizarre as it sounds, when things are great I can sometimes push my SO away because it hurts more to miss him when things are really good, and so I seek out some distance again. It's a weird 'push and pull' dynamic that I am trying to fix.

With having life commitments, I know it can be a real drag when plans fall through with your SO. I remember one time we were going to have a video chat (it's something we do very infrequently and so it is a big deal when we decide to have one) and I had even done my hair and put a little makeup on lol. He ended up going out to lunch with a friend because we had got our wires crossed. I felt like the biggest loser sitting on my couch with a laptop, looking like I was ready to go out for the night! My SO is usually very reliable and I am the one who has let him down. Because I have small kids, I find it very hard to prioritise time with my SO. It's created some deep wounds in our relationship. The other day he even said to me that he has always felt like "number 2, 3 or 4...in my life". It can be really really hard to find a balance between your "real" life and your long distance relationship.

Last week we almost broke up. It was a culmination of these things and the stress of the distance. I was almost ready to throw in the towel and I even said to him that it was hurting too much and this is what I wanted. The thing he said to me that really struck a chord was simply this:

"Remember, we are in this together".

I started crying when I read that. I needed to hear it because I had forgotten that I wasn't the only one feeling pain. It's easy to get caught up in your own feelings when things are tough, and we can start to blame our SOs for our pain. I realised I was doing this and how unfair it was. My SO doesn't express very much, and so when he says something I know that he means it. I know he simply knows that we are in this together, and just because things get hard (as they do) it doesn't mean we should give up on each other.

So being reminded that we both experience pain, longing, disappointment, and frustration helps me. If he can handle it then it inspires me to handle it better, too. We all make mistakes with forgetting dates or with plans changing, that's life. Knowing you can talk about it and that your SO understands is what matters. Forgiveness is important, but it can be so hard sometimes, as LDRs come with a natural amount of frustration which can create pain.

Here for you x

[Bestisyettocome]

Hi D_M
The rough patches in LDR’s are awful and made so much worse by the inability to touch and comfort one another when you’re having a tough time.
If you guys are close to meeting, try not to throw in the towel just yet. It would be nice for you two to meet in person and see if you have something worth fighting for.

[Bestisyettocome]

I have my guard up a lot and there’s been many times when I’ve tried to push my SO away to spare myself further pain. But he patiently rides it out, he gives me space and doesn’t force anything. But always assures me here is there whenever I need...if only he could be physically present 😢

[OhioJim]

..... Forgiveness is important, but it can be so hard sometimes, as LDRs come with a natural amount of frustration which can create pain.

For some reason, lately been I have thinking about forgiveness.

You can forgive others. Others can forgive you. But I think the hardest thing for most of us is to forgive ourself.

Why is this? Is it because we don't think we are worthy of forgiveness? We do something that hurts our SO, and that is what makes us feel unworthy? In order to move forward you have to stop looking backwards.

[vivid_idea]

You need to believe you are worthy of forgiveness, sure. That's where healthy self-esteem comes into it. Something I have recently started to realise I struggle with a lot

[D_M]

Hi Vivid_Idea,

I was thinking of you and a bit worried because you hadn't been about. I though you may be going through a bad time so I am glad you are coming out of it.
What you say about push and pull, and what Woweth said too, is so familair to me and also what I find so hard.
A typical pattern is we are getting on great, each night we feel closer, we laugh and joke, tell each other how much we love and fancy each other, talk about everything and anything... it is great, we feel so much in love and each time this happens it feels stronger than the last time, and it is. In these times our relationship is amazing and better than ever.
But then I don't understand what happens. My SO, over a couple of days, will pull back, need some space and will withdraw. I think(know) she is afraid of getting hurt and she goes into protection mode. The intensity of her (our) emotions scares her, partly I think, because we haven't met yet, so how can it be?
But it hurts me and throws me for a loop. I suddenly flounder and feel like I'm drowning and am imagining getting an email saying it can't work, we have too much against us (as has happened in the past).
That is where we are at teh moment, except she also has other stuff going on, as do I, which makes things harder.
I am struggling with it. I'm trying to focus on the positive and not let myself get carried away with fear, but it is a struggle. I can't wait until this whole Covid thing is done.
Than you so much for your words Vivid_Idea and for sharing your experiences. It helps a lot.

[D_M]

I have my guard up a lot and there’s been many times when I’ve tried to push my SO away to spare myself further pain. But he patiently rides it out, he gives me space and doesn’t force anything. But always assures me here is there whenever I need...if only he could be physically present ��

This is I think what is happening to us. And is similar to what Vivid_Idea and Woweth said below.
I guess my fear is that when she is like this, I don't know if my words of support help or if they just come across as needy and annoying. I do give her space and don;t get angry with her. It's just tough, is all.
I am already certain we have something worth fighting for. I haven't felt so strongly for someone before, and this when we haven't yet met!
Thanks for your support and sharign your experiences. All these text help so much. I am very greatful I found this forum.
Better go to sleep now. :-)

[vivid_idea]

Thanks for thinking of me D_M. Yes, coming out of it now, thankfully.

It must be very hard for you to experience unwanted emotional distance with your SO, especially after moments of deep connection. I relate to this so much. You and my SO could probably have a good ol' chat about it lol

As hard as it is, hopefully you can get used to the distance she needs sometimes. We all have wacky ways to get through LDRS. Hold onto the special moments you have and believe in them. They will get you through the times when you are both busy and/or she is seeking distance.

Also, it shouldn't be too long before you finally will get to meet. I know you might be hesitant to look forward to it as much as you would like to because of what happened last time. But try to enjoy looking forward to it. In retrospect, it was one of the most thrilling times of my life: the months leading up to our first meeting and the meeting itself. I hope it will be just as thrilling for you two.

Hang in there champ

[D_M]

Thanks, as always, Vivid_Idea,
Yes, it is extremely hard at the moment... and I think it is for her too.
I try and be supportive but it is hard as I am shut out, so all I can do is give her some space.
I try not to take it too personally as I know she has a lot going on and I have faith that it will all be good with us in the end, but it is so difficult in these times.
I am getting a bit used to it though, slightly detached, but maybe that is not all bad.
I love what you say about your first meet up. I hope you get your next sooner than later.
I wonder is there anyone in a LDR who is not on an emotional roller coaster