Advice for someone in a long distance relationship.

[Nickitay35]

I am very confused as to why my boyfriend refuses to come out to NY where I live to visit when I have three kids & my own place. He lives in NC and lives with his father & step mother in a one bedroom apartment, he claims I have to get a hotel for the three kids plus us both to stay in. I even offered to pay for him to take the bus out to NY since he doesn’t have a job & because of certain reasons in his past is unable to obtain a job. He still declined my offer and said he’d never go out to NY but yet claims he loves me and wants me to move to NC. We’ve been dating for two months.

[MsGrim]

It would be easier AND cheaper for him to go to you. Honestly, it sounds like you are not compatible. He isn't willing to compromise on something that is clearly a better option, both logically and financially... How old is he btw? Maybe think long and hard on your relationship. If he is already giving these kinds of issues 2 months into the relationship, imagine how it'll be 6 months down the road, or a year... How long would it be for you to realistically close the distance? Most LDRs stay LDR for a good bit of time. How long are you willing to put up with this?

It's a "It's my way or the highway" kind of thing, I feel like. Red flag!!!

[OhioJim]

I completely agree with MsGrim. Couldn't have said it better myself.

[Nickitay35]

Good point

It would be easier AND cheaper for him to go to you. Honestly, it sounds like you are not compatible. He isn't willing to compromise on something that is clearly a better option, both logically and financially... How old is he btw? Maybe think long and hard on your relationship. If he is already giving these kinds of issues 2 months into the relationship, imagine how it'll be 6 months down the road, or a year... How long would it be for you to realistically close the distance? Most LDRs stay LDR for a good bit of time. How long are you willing to put up with this?

It's a "It's my way or the highway" kind of thing, I feel like. Red flag!!!

-He is 24 and I am going on 35 next Sunday. I feel the same way it is financially easier for him to come to me and more logical yet I can’t get him to see it that way, I also feel the more we talk on the subject the more we fight and the more it feels like he’s only wanting me out there for sex. Everyone I have spoken too has said similar to what your saying including my very close friend aka little sister. She is very good at reading someone so I go to her for everything. I just don’t want to invest all this money and get out there for it just to be a week of where he tries getting endless booty and when I don’t give in all we do is fight. He’s already trying to convince me to stay out there longer then just the week & said he doesn’t understand why I just don’t move down there in April & live in a hotel with my children. When it comes to us living together it has to be what he wants, I told him I’ll find something I can afford as in a rental, but he is against that and says we need a rent to own house and won’t live in a trailer. His standards are set high yet it’s not his money going into everything, it’s mine. I’ll be the one with the job and income not him, he won’t work and recently told me because of something in his past, legally it’s extremely hard for him to find work and said he’s no longer looking and having his mother help him get on social security. He lives with his dad & all he does is sleep & play video games. He claims he donates blood (plasma) every couple days for money so he can have smokes. He won’t live with his mom because she expects him to contribute financially and help out, where as his dad doesn’t make him do any of that and he has free game or whatever you want to call it. He has recently been claiming he can’t sleep at night why he’s always up so late, that it’s cuz he can’t wait to see me, yet when I mentioned it’s hard now just wait til I’m out there and then have to leave again and he said he didn’t want to think about it and changed the subject. He will send me “good morning” texts/messages and then I barely hear from him through out the day. He was sending “good night” ones as well but that soon stopped. I’ve noticed he’s online a lot especially at night when he thinks I’m sleeping and doesn’t say anything to me. I’ll message him and I get hey or yea/yes and I have to initiate the conversation or it goes no where. I am also a born again Christian and he is constantly using the Bible against me, for example he constantly says “god made woman to obey man and to walk beside man,” that is not what it states in the Bible and that is not what god meant by that scripture. He basically then explains I’m suppose to obey him and do whatever he says. He also refuses to do anything when it comes to my beliefs but yet claims he is a godly man yet he barely goes to church or tells me later how he fell asleep well in church a few times cuz it’s so boring. Again I feel like I’m just being told what he thinks I wanna hear. Anyways back on topic I apologize I slipped from the topic for a moment. Yes realistically speaking I told him in two years or even four years that we could take that next step and move in together. I mean I have my own place why should I be forced to move to another state when he could eventually and so easily move in with me. He has all these excuses why he will never come to New York but yet promised me when we get married and yes he’s already asked and tells everyone I’m his wife that we would make a visit to go to my home town and visit my family. I feel like this is an attempt at him trying to isolate me from my family & my friends etc. realistically I would love for us to work out and in two to four years living together and happy, one day getting married and having a life together. I told him at least two years because I have a fourteen year old son that I share custody with the father and I can’t move from one state and leave my child in another. So when he is eighteen I won’t have too and he can move with me if it’s his decision but I also told my BF that if my son chose to not want to move I’d support that and I would stay on NY. He had nothing to say after that and we haven’t touched the subject again. I feel like I am being set up for another Narcissistic/abusive relationship. I was with someone on and off for almost three years that was very abusive etc (my ex). As to answer the question of how long I’m willing to go through this? Well I am the type who wears their heart on their sleeve and when I invest in a relationship I invest my all but I’ve also been put through so much relationship wise that when I notice the red flags I reach out to people to find answers so the answer to that would be possibly til I see what he’s like in person. I will know face to face his intentions off the bat cuz if he’s already telling me what kinda hotel to and how many rooms, beds etc I already know his intentions don’t match mine and we won’t work. Could be why he won’t come out here because all he is looking for is sex & once I’m out there & he’s just getting that once I’m back home the relationship will be over if I can’t fulfill his needs. Ooh he is also very addicted to porn and told me very recently that he has not only a lock on his phone but also it’s protected by his finger print so no one can get into his phone & that he doesn’t think it’s an issue that he keeps it like that when we do eventually live together. He says there are things in his phone no one needs to see and I told him well if you have pics like that then your obvious cheating because I told him from the start I don’t send nudes “sexy” pictures and that’s when he brought up his addiction. Also I noticed on his social media account (Instagram) he has all these half naked or fully naked girls on his page & some are following him back. Those that follow him back do live cam shows where he can pay to actually communicate with them & some you can actually met in person to do sexual stuff. In his eyes that isn’t cheating to me it is because it’s not just him “watching” something it’s him actually doing things with other women or thinking about doing said things with the girl he’s speaking too. I just don’t want history to repeat itself and with the red flags I’ve noticed myself I can already see it happening.

[Nickitay35]

Ooh and he also expects us to get married as soon as I’m out there, when I’ve told him a few times now that I don’t want to get married for a few years but he seems to always know what to say to get me to do or say anything he wants.

[georgiarosehyde]

I would suggest that you offer him a serious ultimatum. He needs to understand that your children are your priority and that you can't just up and leave when children are involved. With very little responsibilities, he should be the first to offer that he comes to you! There are men out there who would spend $$$ to be with the one they genuinely care for.

There is probably one issue that is preventing him from making such a hasty decision, and that's the fact that you guys haven't been together for too long. Maybe he feels like he'd be overwhelmed if he was to come up and stay in your environment and depend on you for a certain period of time. Men (at least most) like to be the independent ones in the relationship and maybe he's a little embarrassed because he can't do the things he wants to do in his financial situation.

You have to see it like this; If he is unhappy about staying in your place then how is he going to be in X amount of months. He doesn't seem so willing to make such a commitment and it's not exactly a difficult one.
As I said previously, give him an option and lay it out on the table, he can't expect you to chase him when you've got your own priorities!

[OhioJim]

Nickitay35, I think you already know what you should do.

DUMP HIM! Tell him first, then block his number so he can't contact you.

I see so many Red Flags in what you said that my head is spinning. DUMP HIM!!

If you read Genesis chapter 2, and consider what the original Hebrew word for "helpmate" means, you will see that it means "and equal partner as a reflection in a mirror". He is NOT free to treat you any way he wants. In the New Testament it says "Husbands love your wifes as Christ loved the church AND GAVE UP HIS LIFE FOR IT". Is he willing to do that?

[Nickitay35]

UPDATE:

I confronted him about everything and now I’m single, I found out his true self when it came to putting my foot down so I thank you all for the advice.

[autumn1790]

It can be so hard to see your own worth when you're used to being treated as nothing. But please know you are worth so much more than that. You deserve a man who:

Would do anything to come see you/talk to you
Does not demand servitude as a sign of "love"
Respects you and lifts you up
Has not done things to make himself ineligible for employment (I'm so confused about that too, how can you not get a job but you can get social security? Even if it caused a physical disability, some people can lead productive lives, depending on the extent)
Is making progress in life and taking charge of his own future, not depending on his mom to file SS for him
Wants to get to know your kids for you, not isolate you from them for what I agree is most likely a booty call
Builds a strong relationship with time, not demands marriage after two months
Doesn't use your beliefs as weapons against you

In short, you deserve someone who is the exact opposite of this guy. Please don't look back!

[Nickitay35]

I will not be looking back promise you that. He blocked me from everything so it showed me his true intentions and that I was dodging a bullet in the long run. As soon as he started showing red flags like my abusive ex I knew it was time to let go. I’m grateful I got to see his true colors now then a year down the road when we would have been living together and he’d be around the kids. As for him not being able to work he recently told me he is a registered sex offender and therefore can’t get a job unless it’s under the table or a ma and pa place. That what happened wasn’t his fault but he did serve time. I chose to believe him but I’m wondering if there is more to the story now.

[Nickitay35]

It can be so hard to see your own worth when you're used to being treated as nothing. But please know you are worth so much more than that. You deserve a man who:

Would do anything to come see you/talk to you
Does not demand servitude as a sign of "love"
Respects you and lifts you up
Has not done things to make himself ineligible for employment (I'm so confused about that too, how can you not get a job but you can get social security? Even if it caused a physical disability, some people can lead productive lives, depending on the extent)
Is making progress in life and taking charge of his own future, not depending on his mom to file SS for him
Wants to get to know your kids for you, not isolate you from them for what I agree is most likely a booty call
Builds a strong relationship with time, not demands marriage after two months
Doesn't use your beliefs as weapons against you

In short, you deserve someone who is the exact opposite of this guy. Please don't look back!

I will not be looking back promise you that. He blocked me from everything so it showed me his true intentions and that I was dodging a bullet in the long run. As soon as he started showing red flags like my abusive ex I knew it was time to let go. I’m grateful I got to see his true colors now then a year down the road when we would have been living together and he’d be around the kids. As for him not being able to work he recently told me he is a registered sex offender and therefore can’t get a job unless it’s under the table or a ma and pa place. That what happened wasn’t his fault but he did serve time. I chose to believe him but I’m wondering if there is more to the story now.

[MsGrim]

Breakups suck but I hope this one inst as hard on you! Honestly happy to see you not back down and do what you know you needed to do!! A lot of people stay and I'm happy you were able to get out early!!!

[Nickitay35]

Breakups suck but I hope this one inst as hard on you! Honestly happy to see you not back down and do what you know you needed to do!! A lot of people stay and I'm happy you were able to get out early!!!

I’ve been through it before for over three years so it wasn’t that hard once the red flags were starting to show also helps we were only together two months I made sure I kept myself from falling/letting my guard down again. Thank you for the advice, god bless.