Traumatized by my previous relationships

[Stargazerlilies]

I had terrible experience with relationships. I was one of those women who had terrible choices with men. I’ve had several experiences of men cheating on me and this resulted to fear of not finding the man who will truly love me.

I’ve dated both locals and long distance men. I decided to try online dating again. This man matched with me but I think now I have been terrible with him. Sometimes I look for signs that he might be lying, pretending or cheating. We talk regularly but not yet able to meet because of the pandemic.

I didn’t mean to find fault in him. He is a great guy. But here I am making sure that I would never get hurt again. I feel sorry for him that he has to take all of this. Now, as a valentine gift, he bought an orchid that he will take care until we meet along with a card with sweet words on it. I cried when I received it. I appreciated the gesture but I was expecting he would send me flowers and would never will abroad. He has his own reasons which I didn’t agree. He felt useless he said. I didn’t mean for him to feel that way. We had an argument but talked about it and it’s now okay.

With these things going on (pandemic) and the conflict on my own emotions, I am not sure where this is heading to. I don’t want to expect too much as I am afraid of hurting. I certainly feel sorry for myself and to him for hurting him in such a way.

How do you deal with trust issues? How do you overcome painful experiences when it comes to relationships?

[OhioJim]

I assume it is a live orchid in a pot? That is my guess since you said he will take care of it.

From what you have said my guess is that he is really interested in you.

My opinion is that you should tell him you have had problems in the past, and it is not him but you trying to deal with it. If he is really as nice as he seems then he would understand and help you through it.

It could take a long time, but if he is the right one for you then it will be well worth it.

Above all, you have to recognize what you did yourself to get into the bad relationships. I am not blaming you, but you have to learn to forgive yourself for the mistakes. You can't move forward if you keep looking backwards!

Most important, don't give up on finding your soulmate! Things will get better.

[Stargazerlilies]

I assume it is a live orchid in a pot? That is my guess since you said he will take care of it.

From what you have said my guess is that he is really interested in you.

My opinion is that you should tell him you have had problems in the past, and it is not him but you trying to deal with it. If he is really as nice as he seems then he would understand and help you through it.

It could take a long time, but if he is the right one for you then it will be well worth it.

Above all, you have to recognize what you did yourself to get into the bad relationships. I am not blaming you, but you have to learn to forgive yourself for the mistakes. You can't move forward if you keep looking backwards!

Most important, don't give up on finding your soulmate! Things will get better.

Hi there! Yes an orchid in the pot. I appreciate the gesture really.

But knowing he has his own reasons of not ordering flowers online - hassle of checking if it was delivered in time, etc, plus it will die, I am not sure if it makes sense. I let it go. But in my head, “Is someone going to check your bank account? Will someone find out that you sent flowers to another country?”

He knows my past but I know I should also help myself with this.

I’ve had a long distance relationship in the past who kept lying to me until I found out he is married and also has a live in partner in the US. It was devastating.

I am doubting myself as my doubts towards this new man could be a product of my past. So I really don’t know. My head is a bit clouded.

[Jenshirecat]

Hey

First of all, I understand your thoughts. Last year I dealt with that often as well.
To give an example: My boyfriend used to hang out with "the guys" on Saturdays and wasn´t really keen on introducing or even telling anyone that he was in a relationship. On these Saturdays he wasn´t reachable at all for a whole day. After months it came out that he had introduced one girl into the group of his friends, introducing her to his best friend without even ever mentioning me or mentioning the girl to me either.
Despite not being jealous, I questioned whether he was trustworthy.

To clarify, I don´t mind him hanging out with women (80% of his friends are female), but not even once mentioning that he was hanging out with a girl on the one day that was off-limits for me sent my mind places.

Anyways, you asked how we dealt with this.
After an heated argument - last summer we weren´t that good with settling disagreements yet - we talked about it calmly and figured out what we could both do, to avoid another conflict like this from arising. Maybe that would help you too.

Additionally we spoke about how to build trust in our relationship. I found an article on "psychologytoday" which was quite good (sadly I can´t post it, but if you´re interested I can send it to your per PM or copy the text into this forum) and we used it as inspiration to talk about these things. We both added personal experiences to each point and told each other how we´d implement this point into our life.

Also we started using our time on video calls differently: watching movies together, working out together, or simply meditating.

To refer back to what you wrote, it could be a product of your past, in the end are our relationships usually influenced by past experiences (expectations eg. "my ex used to spend more time with me than you do", fears, hopes etc) both in negative as in positive ways. So to look at the positive things: this new man could surprise you in so many positive ways in which he´s different from your ex who treated you badly and cheated on you. (So try actively thinking of them as two different persons, I´m sure you already do, but our mind has subconscious ways of trying to save us from more hurt).

It might help you (it helped me a bit) to start a little note about who your new SO is, what positive sides he has. With looking so closely at him, you´ll surely note the differences to your ex and also it makes you appreciate his positive sides more, which doesn´t only give you a good feeling (lifts your mood, makes you think more positively of him and helps you in a long run to expect more positive things about him) but it will give him a warm feeling too (especially if you share it with him. I did that with my boyfriend and he was really touched and also started writing about me sometimes).

I think the most important thing is that you (can) tell your SO if you´re uncomfortable or if something wakes bad past experiences in you (because if you bring it up calmly and only using me/I, it should not be hurtful to him and might even strengthen the bond between you).

Btw. how did you talk about the flowers and how did you solve the conflict in the end? Did he hear your side of view?

And last thing (which takes some practice): When you´re in the feeling of anger, hurt or confusion (because of an expectation, so if you´re thinking something like in your example from earlier: “Is someone going to check your bank account? Will someone find out that you sent flowers to another country?”) try to stop for a moment:

-get out of the situation that makes you feel this way (when you in a call with him: ask if you can get a moment or change the topic)

-try to find out what feeling you´re having right now and what exactly makes you feel this way ("I´m feeling angry" Why? "Because this situation reminds me of the past" or "Because his actions, make me feel like he might be hiding something.").

-try not to push this feeling away, because it leads to bottling it up. But only bring what you find out about yourself, when you´ve calmed down. So if you´re not ready yet, tell him that there´s something you´d like to talk about at a later point.

This is one way how you can work things with yourself. But mostly time will heal you too You´ll see in a few months you´ll react differently to your SO´s actions.
I hope I could help you a bit and it is understandable what I wrote (if not, please don´t hesitate to ask). I´m sure you´re using many things of what I proposed already (maybe everything), I hope it´s still of use to you.

Anyways, good luck to you. And I wish the best for you in your process of healing.

[Stargazerlilies]

Hey

First of all, I understand your thoughts. Last year I dealt with that often as well.
To give an example: My boyfriend used to hang out with "the guys" on Saturdays and wasn´t really keen on introducing or even telling anyone that he was in a relationship. On these Saturdays he wasn´t reachable at all for a whole day. After months it came out that he had introduced one girl into the group of his friends, introducing her to his best friend without even ever mentioning me or mentioning the girl to me either.
Despite not being jealous, I questioned whether he was trustworthy.

To clarify, I don´t mind him hanging out with women (80% of his friends are female), but not even once mentioning that he was hanging out with a girl on the one day that was off-limits for me sent my mind places.

Anyways, you asked how we dealt with this.
After an heated argument - last summer we weren´t that good with settling disagreements yet - we talked about it calmly and figured out what we could both do, to avoid another conflict like this from arising. Maybe that would help you too.

Additionally we spoke about how to build trust in our relationship. I found an article on "psychologytoday" which was quite good (sadly I can´t post it, but if you´re interested I can send it to your per PM or copy the text into this forum) and we used it as inspiration to talk about these things. We both added personal experiences to each point and told each other how we´d implement this point into our life.

Also we started using our time on video calls differently: watching movies together, working out together, or simply meditating.

To refer back to what you wrote, it could be a product of your past, in the end are our relationships usually influenced by past experiences (expectations eg. "my ex used to spend more time with me than you do", fears, hopes etc) both in negative as in positive ways. So to look at the positive things: this new man could surprise you in so many positive ways in which he´s different from your ex who treated you badly and cheated on you. (So try actively thinking of them as two different persons, I´m sure you already do, but our mind has subconscious ways of trying to save us from more hurt).

It might help you (it helped me a bit) to start a little note about who your new SO is, what positive sides he has. With looking so closely at him, you´ll surely note the differences to your ex and also it makes you appreciate his positive sides more, which doesn´t only give you a good feeling (lifts your mood, makes you think more positively of him and helps you in a long run to expect more positive things about him) but it will give him a warm feeling too (especially if you share it with him. I did that with my boyfriend and he was really touched and also started writing about me sometimes).

I think the most important thing is that you (can) tell your SO if you´re uncomfortable or if something wakes bad past experiences in you (because if you bring it up calmly and only using me/I, it should not be hurtful to him and might even strengthen the bond between you).

Btw. how did you talk about the flowers and how did you solve the conflict in the end? Did he hear your side of view?

And last thing (which takes some practice): When you´re in the feeling of anger, hurt or confusion (because of an expectation, so if you´re thinking something like in your example from earlier: “Is someone going to check your bank account? Will someone find out that you sent flowers to another country?”) try to stop for a moment:

-get out of the situation that makes you feel this way (when you in a call with him: ask if you can get a moment or change the topic)

-try to find out what feeling you´re having right now and what exactly makes you feel this way ("I´m feeling angry" Why? "Because this situation reminds me of the past" or "Because his actions, make me feel like he might be hiding something.").

-try not to push this feeling away, because it leads to bottling it up. But only bring what you find out about yourself, when you´ve calmed down. So if you´re not ready yet, tell him that there´s something you´d like to talk about at a later point.

This is one way how you can work things with yourself. But mostly time will heal you too You´ll see in a few months you´ll react differently to your SO´s actions.
I hope I could help you a bit and it is understandable what I wrote (if not, please don´t hesitate to ask). I´m sure you´re using many things of what I proposed already (maybe everything), I hope it´s still of use to you.

Anyways, good luck to you. And I wish the best for you in your process of healing.

Hi there! Thanks for responding and thank you for giving me helpful tips.

To give you a bit of a background, his work is not the usual. He is in the UK and working as an intel. I can’t put the name of the govt here. He is not allowed to do video call unless he asked permission from someone higher to use a different software i can install on my phone. We just knew each other. He had requested for me to use the software but hadn’t heard yet. Also it’s difficult as they are not allowed to have any social media. I met him in an unfamiliar social site -Tagged. His face was in there but that was the time when he was still young and new to what he does and it was a mistake but was never found out anyway. He is 40 now. So I am patiently waiting for us to have video call. I really dont want to think that he is a fake. He send me pics of his cat, his dad, his hands, his body but not his face. I don’t know anything about these kind of jobs and I dont know how much they can compromise their job if they don’t follow the rules. Despite this, he kept me updated with everything. However, im frustrated that I cant see him. Plus this pandemic is killing me.

He told me flowers wither but not the orchid in a pot. He said he doesn’t like to deal with ordering online and fearing that it might not get to me on time. I did feel bad telling him hurtful things. I did say sorry for setting too much expectation.

The problem with me is I dont step back when I am angry so I ended up telling him things that I shouldn’t say. In the end, he doesn’t listen and I feel terrible.

[Jenshirecat]

Oh dear! That sounds challenging. First of all kudos to you for holding onto it, despite your past experiences. You must be really strong

Not seeing his face must be hard... Are you at least allowed to hear his voice and have regular phone calls with him? Or do you keep in contact over mail?

But it sounds like he´s really trying to give you an insight into his life. Showing people close to him and his pet, is something really personal too. And I understand you, when you say the pandemic is killing you. It really takes its toll on everyone´s mental health... I hope there will easing of the lockdowns and travel restrictions soon (but more importantly that the numbers of infected people will drop).

My boyfriend showed me around in a planetarium in Singapore, because he said it was better than sending flowers too. But I guess it´s a different situation, because I got to see him at least.

But maybe (if he´s okay with it) you could send each other things over post I thought that added a more personal touch to it and maybe it makes him more real to you.

And about not stepping back, I understand you fully. I´m still struggling with that - we are only human after all. But I´m sure you´ll get better with practice
With me it really helps to follow identifying the feeling first and then trying to step back or at least telling my SO what I´m feeling and usually his reaction helps a lot with taking a step back or not escalating the situation too much.

But you´re not alone there And usually it takes to people to start a fight.

[Stargazerlilies]

We have been talking regularly over the phone. He always make time for me. We rarely cancel phone calls. The only time we do so is when he has some urgent meetings early in the morning. I think I will just have to be patient with the video call. I just hope things will work out fine for me.

I will stop over thinking. I know I shouldn’t. I feel bad about it. It’s good to know someone can relate to me.

If you don’t mind me asking, who was that woman your bf introduced to his friends? I think I wasn’t clear on that.

[xxcazaxx]

I think chatting with your other half about how you are feeling is the best way forward. I have had trust issues having been cheated on before and also relate to fluctuating levels of confidence in myself. My OH is very reassuring and always points out that he is not my exes. Deep down I do trust him, think that its more of a problem with myself in my situation. As for the flowers it can be a pain sending things abroad. I have spent so much sending presents to my OH and most of it hasn't arrived. My OH is also not great at presents full stop. Apparently there is a book about love languages that covers this and how different people express their love differently (haven't had a chance to read it yet myself)

[OhioJim]

.... As for the flowers it can be a pain sending things abroad.....

As an example...

I tried sending flowers to my SO in the hospital. She is in one of the major hospitals in Manila, so they should have no trouble finding it.

I wanted the flowers to be delivered on Valentines Day, and the flower shop guaranteed one day delivery. But they didn't. Every time I complained about it I received what looked like an automated response by email.

Finally, I managed to get the attention of a real person and the flowers ended up being delivered almost 2 weeks late!